Anyone who knew me when I graduated high school can attest to the fact that I am pretty much look the same as I did when I graduated back in (gasp) 1992!! A few gray hairs and a few wrinkles... my body shape has changed a bit due to my 4 little monsters... but for the most part, I wear the same size clothes as I did back then.
I didn't have a bunch of guys lined up at my door then, and I was always self conscious that boys always befriended me to get close to my friends. There was always that one boy who had my heart, the one I met my first day of 6th grade at Sequoia Elementary... My heart still skips a beat when I see him. I dated off and on after high school. Never anything really serious. Every time there was someone who I thought was THE ONE something or someone came to bust that bubble.
When I met Mike he was not someone I would have immediately said he is THE ONE. I mean he was not my typical type. But he was nice, he was fun, he was handsome. And he showed interest in ME!
I do not write this to bag on Mike. We now know that most of the things I am about to write about where Mike's excuses for his own desires not being met.
Mike and I met when we were 24, started dating when we were 25, married by 27 and began our family at 28. We split when we were 36. SO that being said, for about 10 years I was always lead to believe I was not good enough. There was always a reason why he didn't want to hold my hand or snuggle with me, or be intimate as often as I tried. "If you would just lose weight, it would be better" "I am just not that attracted to you" Keep in mind when Mike proposed to me I weighed about 25 pounds more than I did when he walked out the door. All the years of rejection that was drilled in my head was because I was too fat, or not attractive. I couldn't understand why I was good enough when he proposed but not good enough after we got married. But the reality IS I just wasn't the right sex for HIM.
Coming out of the mindset of you are not good enough, if only I wore a certain size THEN I will be attractive... THEN a man will want me..... THEN I will be worthy of affection love and desire. This has been a continual process for me.
Would I like to loose weight ... SURE.... Have I tried... YUP.... Do I stick with it ... Not apparently! But here is what I do know. I AM good enough, just the way I am. And there are men, handsome, successful, fun, who think I am great. I am a pretty good woman. I am a catch! LOL If I can find someone to accept me and my boys and make a long term go at it.... awesome... if not I am OK just being me and having fun.
And speaking of having fun.... It has come to my attention that someone I know feels that my standards are too high, that I only want a good looking buffed man... and that is just keeping my standards too high. So here is what I have to say to that... fuck off!!!
Yes i do have a "type", and my DFM friends tease me "oh yeah... buffed and tattoos thats your type" There is a typical type of man that I am attracted to. Does that mean that is the only type of guy I will date... no, it just may not be an immediate attraction.
But here is what I know. I recently met a gorgeous, tall, smart, successful, 28 year old that thinks I am the shit! He normally dates older women... awesome... he prefers "not skinny" women MORE AWESOME!! Please hear me when I say this guy is pretty dang hot, as my one of my friends likes to refer to him as "superman/Clark Kent" We had a blast together. I am hoping it will continue but hell who knows.
There is this other guy that I know who consistently tells me how gorgeous I am. I always question him, his motives and what is he thinking saying that. I tell him it is filters on my pictures, or angles or photoshop. And then he will look me in the eye and say when I say you are beautiful I am looking at you not thinking about your pictures. And he makes me believe it. It has been the most liberating "relationship" for me. I feel beautiful, no matter what size I am. And coming from 10+ years of thinking I wasn't good enough, it is a great point to be at in my life.
The last 3 years I have learned that I am good enough, and there are men out there who find me attractive. There is more to me than where I shop or the size of my jeans. There is my sparkly eyes, big smile, awesome long hair, cute little nose and the big boobs help too! :) No matter what life throws at me, I know my marriage didn't fail because I am not good enough.... my marriage failed because I was missing an essential body part... LOL Have a great night!
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Monday, September 29, 2014
I am happy for you....
Today alone, I have seen 3 anniversary posts, 2 engagement posts, and 5 my hubby is so awesome posts on social media. PLEASE do not get me wrong. I AM truly beyond happy for anyone that finds love and is able to have someone in their life that loves them. It honestly gives me hope that one day I will find that.
These are the posts that piss me off. "My husband never buys me flowers anymore." "My boyfriend just watches football all day" "UGH... what does it take for him to take out the damn garbage"
Here is the deal ladies. (and men) APPRECIATE what you have. Does your husband/boyfriend/partner/whatever tell you they love you? Do they hold your hand and hug you? Are they there to hold you at night? Spend more time complimenting and appreciating and caring for your loved one instead of bashing and insulting them ... on social media... in person... to your family etc.
Time is precious. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Is taking the garbage out yourself instead of complaining about it THAT BAD? Why don't you watch football with them and do something he enjoys. When is the last time you bought something for them that they enjoy? Think of life WITHOUT that person, and how bad that would be. Life with them is amazing, cherish it.
These are the posts that piss me off. "My husband never buys me flowers anymore." "My boyfriend just watches football all day" "UGH... what does it take for him to take out the damn garbage"
Here is the deal ladies. (and men) APPRECIATE what you have. Does your husband/boyfriend/partner/whatever tell you they love you? Do they hold your hand and hug you? Are they there to hold you at night? Spend more time complimenting and appreciating and caring for your loved one instead of bashing and insulting them ... on social media... in person... to your family etc.
Time is precious. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Is taking the garbage out yourself instead of complaining about it THAT BAD? Why don't you watch football with them and do something he enjoys. When is the last time you bought something for them that they enjoy? Think of life WITHOUT that person, and how bad that would be. Life with them is amazing, cherish it.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
3 Year Mark....
It is unbelievable to me that 3 years has passed since my life was flipped upside down.
On 9/11/2011 I believe I was at the lowest point (or at least I hope it was) I will ever be in my life. My heart had been ripped to shreds and tossed aside to rot away. I cried more in the days that followed more than I have the rest of my adult life. My heart was hollow and empty, my mind was full of whys, hows, whens, and ifs.
On 9/11/2014 I will wake up in the morning smiling. Strong, happy, confident, satisfied and content. Do I have everything in life I would like? With the exception of very little, I can proudly say yes. It will take a special person to come into my life to make it possibly better than it is now. Because in my heart I know I am full of mistakes and hopes, love and doubts, smiles and tears, happiness and stress. Because I am alive.... I am well, I am a mommy to my four baby boys. I am a one of a kind woman.... I can say that clearly and proudly.
Here is to the next 3 years and what may be in my future!!! Hope everyone has an amazing day.... Be Happy, Be Proud, Expect great things...... you have breath.... breath deep and know that life is always a blessing!
On 9/11/2011 I believe I was at the lowest point (or at least I hope it was) I will ever be in my life. My heart had been ripped to shreds and tossed aside to rot away. I cried more in the days that followed more than I have the rest of my adult life. My heart was hollow and empty, my mind was full of whys, hows, whens, and ifs.
On 9/11/2014 I will wake up in the morning smiling. Strong, happy, confident, satisfied and content. Do I have everything in life I would like? With the exception of very little, I can proudly say yes. It will take a special person to come into my life to make it possibly better than it is now. Because in my heart I know I am full of mistakes and hopes, love and doubts, smiles and tears, happiness and stress. Because I am alive.... I am well, I am a mommy to my four baby boys. I am a one of a kind woman.... I can say that clearly and proudly.
Here is to the next 3 years and what may be in my future!!! Hope everyone has an amazing day.... Be Happy, Be Proud, Expect great things...... you have breath.... breath deep and know that life is always a blessing!
Monday, August 11, 2014
Will I ever have that again....
A friend of mine is experiencing some difficulties early in her pregnancy that are similar to the problems I had when I was pregnant with Caleb. As I sat here today thinking about what to say to her, and what advice to give, I remembered back to the day I was 31 weeks pregnant....
We were at a party for my moms birthday. I had on one of my favorite skirts.... I had just finished shopping for the remainder of the bedding and accessories for Caleb's bedroom. I had brought everything in to the house and was showing everyone. I remember standing in the entry way to my moms house talking to my mom and Mike.... and I felt something drip down my leg.... I thought to myself OMG I just peed myself.... but as I looked down I saw that it was blood. Then a few seconds later, it was just a gush.... I panicked. Mike stayed uncharacteristically calm, my mom kept insisting I lay down on the couch... I told her there is no way I am walking across your cream carpet to lay down on your white couch!! I sat down on the tile entryway and waited.
Gratefully the fire station was right around the corner so emergency response was there quite fast. Remember we were at a party.... yeah not fun with 50 people staring at you as you are bleeding, and put on a stretcher and a paramedic is looking up your skirt! LOL
This part is the point of this entire post.... I remember being in the ambulance and the question was asked.... If it comes down to me or the baby what do we want to do. Immediately Mike answered save her.... He looked and me and told me we could always have another baby, but he couldn't do that if I wasn't there. I remember after all the craziness died down, thinking to myself wow... this man really loves me. He would give up his son because he loves me so much.
What happened to that love over the years? And my bigger question now, is.... will there ever be anyone who will love me like that again. It has been almost three years since he left me. I have gone on a few dates. Made some great friends, and met some not so great men. And I often sit and wonder why is it that I am still alone. I had one man tell me the fact that I have four young kids is the reason he wouldn't date me on a serious level. I hear a lot of "your awesome ... but..." "Your too good for me...." blah blah blah. The fact remains that it is hard to deal with every day life alone. I don't need someone to take care of me and my kids. I just want someone to want to.... Someone who cares enough to text me and see how my day is going. Who wants to take me away for the weekend. Someone who feels I am worthy of love.... no matter how many kids I have, or if my ex is gay, or that I don't work out 4 hours a day to have the perfect body. Someone who appreciates that I am smart, and creative, that I love sports, and I am a kick ass mom. I am hoping that one day soon that person comes along before I give up on hope in that person exists.
That is my vent for the day.... I am still happy with my life and know that I am in a better place that I have been in the past. But sometimes these feelings must be shared along with the positive. Happy Monday everyone... Live your life with love, faith and joy!
We were at a party for my moms birthday. I had on one of my favorite skirts.... I had just finished shopping for the remainder of the bedding and accessories for Caleb's bedroom. I had brought everything in to the house and was showing everyone. I remember standing in the entry way to my moms house talking to my mom and Mike.... and I felt something drip down my leg.... I thought to myself OMG I just peed myself.... but as I looked down I saw that it was blood. Then a few seconds later, it was just a gush.... I panicked. Mike stayed uncharacteristically calm, my mom kept insisting I lay down on the couch... I told her there is no way I am walking across your cream carpet to lay down on your white couch!! I sat down on the tile entryway and waited.
Gratefully the fire station was right around the corner so emergency response was there quite fast. Remember we were at a party.... yeah not fun with 50 people staring at you as you are bleeding, and put on a stretcher and a paramedic is looking up your skirt! LOL
This part is the point of this entire post.... I remember being in the ambulance and the question was asked.... If it comes down to me or the baby what do we want to do. Immediately Mike answered save her.... He looked and me and told me we could always have another baby, but he couldn't do that if I wasn't there. I remember after all the craziness died down, thinking to myself wow... this man really loves me. He would give up his son because he loves me so much.
What happened to that love over the years? And my bigger question now, is.... will there ever be anyone who will love me like that again. It has been almost three years since he left me. I have gone on a few dates. Made some great friends, and met some not so great men. And I often sit and wonder why is it that I am still alone. I had one man tell me the fact that I have four young kids is the reason he wouldn't date me on a serious level. I hear a lot of "your awesome ... but..." "Your too good for me...." blah blah blah. The fact remains that it is hard to deal with every day life alone. I don't need someone to take care of me and my kids. I just want someone to want to.... Someone who cares enough to text me and see how my day is going. Who wants to take me away for the weekend. Someone who feels I am worthy of love.... no matter how many kids I have, or if my ex is gay, or that I don't work out 4 hours a day to have the perfect body. Someone who appreciates that I am smart, and creative, that I love sports, and I am a kick ass mom. I am hoping that one day soon that person comes along before I give up on hope in that person exists.
That is my vent for the day.... I am still happy with my life and know that I am in a better place that I have been in the past. But sometimes these feelings must be shared along with the positive. Happy Monday everyone... Live your life with love, faith and joy!
Friday, July 11, 2014
Who I want my boys to be....
For the last two weeks I have been trying to convince Caleb to stay 10 for one more year! LOL My bubs turns 11 tomorrow and I see how much he is maturing and growing up and I don't want it to stop, but I would sure has hell like it to slow down a little bit!
At 11 years old Caleb has been through quite a bit and has still managed to be a well adjusted young man. He is so intelligent, and artistic and fun to be around. I love that he is still a kid! He doesn't try and act older than he is.
Last night we went out to a restaurant that has video games etc. There were tons of people, lots of kids etc. The kids really just ran around and played video games the entire time. When we were driving home I asked if he had fun. He said yes but some kids were getting on his nerves. I asked why.... his reply "this kid kept cussing.... like BAD words.... " Then went on to say how horrible it was and he was right around his age and he couldn't' believe this kid was talking like that.
I appreciate the fact that my son knows that language is not acceptable for a child. And that fact that he is disturbed by it makes me happy.
I have found myself really trying to make an impact on my boys. Showing them how they should treat women is a big thing of what I want to express to them. One day we walked down to 7-Eleven and got a treat.... as we were walking out, there was a young girl who was coming in, and Caleb was a gentleman and held the door, but then the other boys preceded to walk out.... When we were all outside I stopped them and said hey guys... I want to explain something to you. If you EVER come to a door and there is a girl, woman, young lady etc. trying to come in, always hold the door open and let them come in/out first. They reply but why.... I just replied because that is what men should do. And their response was OK!
We were listening to the radio the other day and that dumb song came on that talks about wanting to get married but the parents aid no, but I'm going to marry her anyway. The kids are signing along (I love it when they sing their hearts out in the car!) and I turned it down and told them plain and simple..... if you ever ask a girls parents to marry their daughter and they say no, don't you ever thing about marrying her anyway!!! If they say no there is a reason.... find out what the reason is!!
I am going to share a story of what I DO NOT want my kids to be... I have been doing this online dating thing for a bit now. It is really horrible. I am picky I know I am, and I was really trying to go outside my typical comfort zone when it came to the type of person I was willing to try and get to know.
So I had met this person online named Tony.... not my typical type (other than the fact that he had tattoos) He was a little older than I thought I would be interested. But after talking for a couple weeks, we decided to meet up in person and see how it would go from there. The simple version is we met in a public face, he talked to me for all of 20 seconds and said he wanted to move his car closer to mine, and he would be right back. And the trusting moron I am I sat there and waited for 20 minutes for him to come back. I left completely devastated and embarrassed. Did I look that bad? Ugh it was really a bad shot to my self esteem. And I sat back and replayed some of the conversations we had had, and one comment he made is that he had a 16 year old daughter and how he wants to be the kind of man that he would like is daughter to date. uhhhhh may want to rethink that one mister. I didn't give him the satisfaction of a call or text asking why.... And took some friends advice and chalked it up to he was probably an asshole anyway and he did me a favor.
I try and influence the boys that women need to be respected and loved. Teaching them to be happy, smart, confident, affectionate, not afraid of feelings etc are all things that men "real" men should be able to express. I don't want my boys to grow up and be closed off, "macho" men who act like a-holes to women.... I want my boys to be the kind of boys that a girls parent would be delighted to have my son date their daughter.
Each of my boys have special qualities that make them unique, but raising them to have value as a young man is very important to me. Physical strength is important as a man, but being strong in mind and spirit is just as important. Teaching them that life isn't always fair, but to always strive for more. To know that their mom would do anything fort them.
At 11 years old Caleb has been through quite a bit and has still managed to be a well adjusted young man. He is so intelligent, and artistic and fun to be around. I love that he is still a kid! He doesn't try and act older than he is.
Last night we went out to a restaurant that has video games etc. There were tons of people, lots of kids etc. The kids really just ran around and played video games the entire time. When we were driving home I asked if he had fun. He said yes but some kids were getting on his nerves. I asked why.... his reply "this kid kept cussing.... like BAD words.... " Then went on to say how horrible it was and he was right around his age and he couldn't' believe this kid was talking like that.
I appreciate the fact that my son knows that language is not acceptable for a child. And that fact that he is disturbed by it makes me happy.
I have found myself really trying to make an impact on my boys. Showing them how they should treat women is a big thing of what I want to express to them. One day we walked down to 7-Eleven and got a treat.... as we were walking out, there was a young girl who was coming in, and Caleb was a gentleman and held the door, but then the other boys preceded to walk out.... When we were all outside I stopped them and said hey guys... I want to explain something to you. If you EVER come to a door and there is a girl, woman, young lady etc. trying to come in, always hold the door open and let them come in/out first. They reply but why.... I just replied because that is what men should do. And their response was OK!
We were listening to the radio the other day and that dumb song came on that talks about wanting to get married but the parents aid no, but I'm going to marry her anyway. The kids are signing along (I love it when they sing their hearts out in the car!) and I turned it down and told them plain and simple..... if you ever ask a girls parents to marry their daughter and they say no, don't you ever thing about marrying her anyway!!! If they say no there is a reason.... find out what the reason is!!
I am going to share a story of what I DO NOT want my kids to be... I have been doing this online dating thing for a bit now. It is really horrible. I am picky I know I am, and I was really trying to go outside my typical comfort zone when it came to the type of person I was willing to try and get to know.
So I had met this person online named Tony.... not my typical type (other than the fact that he had tattoos) He was a little older than I thought I would be interested. But after talking for a couple weeks, we decided to meet up in person and see how it would go from there. The simple version is we met in a public face, he talked to me for all of 20 seconds and said he wanted to move his car closer to mine, and he would be right back. And the trusting moron I am I sat there and waited for 20 minutes for him to come back. I left completely devastated and embarrassed. Did I look that bad? Ugh it was really a bad shot to my self esteem. And I sat back and replayed some of the conversations we had had, and one comment he made is that he had a 16 year old daughter and how he wants to be the kind of man that he would like is daughter to date. uhhhhh may want to rethink that one mister. I didn't give him the satisfaction of a call or text asking why.... And took some friends advice and chalked it up to he was probably an asshole anyway and he did me a favor.
I try and influence the boys that women need to be respected and loved. Teaching them to be happy, smart, confident, affectionate, not afraid of feelings etc are all things that men "real" men should be able to express. I don't want my boys to grow up and be closed off, "macho" men who act like a-holes to women.... I want my boys to be the kind of boys that a girls parent would be delighted to have my son date their daughter.
Each of my boys have special qualities that make them unique, but raising them to have value as a young man is very important to me. Physical strength is important as a man, but being strong in mind and spirit is just as important. Teaching them that life isn't always fair, but to always strive for more. To know that their mom would do anything fort them.
Friday, March 21, 2014
New home... new start....
I am happy to say that I am completely moved in and settled into my new home! I feel so AMAZING! I was worried that without the help of my dad and stop mom that I would be stressed out, and not know how to handle the house, kids, work etc.... But the opposite has happened. I feel more organized, energized, satisfied and content.
The big move was last weekend, and that first night as I sat on the couch looking at the piles and piles of boxes I thought OH MY GOSH.... I am never going to get all of this done. But Sunday morning N came over with the boys (Jonah was home sick with Mike) and he helped me put all the kids beds together and move some things around. (Thanks N! I appreciate it!... can't wait for you to come back and finish hanging stuff up!) And all week I just unpacked and unpacked and unpacked, organized, organized, organized...... along with you know that pesky thing called work! I was able to in less than a week be all ready and done in the new house. There are still some things that need to be hung up on the walls. But for the most part, EVERY box has been unpacked and everything has been put in its proper place!! WOO HOO!!!
And on TOP of the amazing news of my new house I received my final divorce papers in the mail. It is finally OFFICIAL.... I honestly thought I would have an emotional moment when I saw those papers. But it didn't happen that way.... I was excited and happy about it. It all happened in the most perfect timing. I am forever grateful to have known, loved, and remain best friends with Mike.... the fact that I have the four most amazing boys makes every tear, sob, mental breakdown worth it. (Don't get me wrong, we had a lot of amazing, happy, fun times too) But now as an official single woman, I feel damned good!
I have a new outlook on myself. I know there are things that I need to improve on in my own self. I am working on that. I am starting by presenting myself the best that I can possibly can. I am trying to make sure that my outer me truly represents how the inner me feels. It helps that it is spring and love wearing dresses and heels this time of year!! Trying to always wear a smile, and get away from that constant frown that tends to appear in my eyebrows! I can't be happy if I don't make it happen. I do not need anyone to make me happy and satisfied with myself and my life. I need me.... and as a result of me being happy, my boys will see the changes in my attitude and life and will reap the benefits of it!
Happy Friday everyone.... live life to the fullest!! Enjoy your weekend!
The big move was last weekend, and that first night as I sat on the couch looking at the piles and piles of boxes I thought OH MY GOSH.... I am never going to get all of this done. But Sunday morning N came over with the boys (Jonah was home sick with Mike) and he helped me put all the kids beds together and move some things around. (Thanks N! I appreciate it!... can't wait for you to come back and finish hanging stuff up!) And all week I just unpacked and unpacked and unpacked, organized, organized, organized...... along with you know that pesky thing called work! I was able to in less than a week be all ready and done in the new house. There are still some things that need to be hung up on the walls. But for the most part, EVERY box has been unpacked and everything has been put in its proper place!! WOO HOO!!!
And on TOP of the amazing news of my new house I received my final divorce papers in the mail. It is finally OFFICIAL.... I honestly thought I would have an emotional moment when I saw those papers. But it didn't happen that way.... I was excited and happy about it. It all happened in the most perfect timing. I am forever grateful to have known, loved, and remain best friends with Mike.... the fact that I have the four most amazing boys makes every tear, sob, mental breakdown worth it. (Don't get me wrong, we had a lot of amazing, happy, fun times too) But now as an official single woman, I feel damned good!
I have a new outlook on myself. I know there are things that I need to improve on in my own self. I am working on that. I am starting by presenting myself the best that I can possibly can. I am trying to make sure that my outer me truly represents how the inner me feels. It helps that it is spring and love wearing dresses and heels this time of year!! Trying to always wear a smile, and get away from that constant frown that tends to appear in my eyebrows! I can't be happy if I don't make it happen. I do not need anyone to make me happy and satisfied with myself and my life. I need me.... and as a result of me being happy, my boys will see the changes in my attitude and life and will reap the benefits of it!
Happy Friday everyone.... live life to the fullest!! Enjoy your weekend!
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Sometimes a song....
Sometimes the words of a song can open up your eyes in many ways. A couple of weeks ago I purchased Prism by Katy Perry.... The song BY THE GRACE OF GOD is AMAZING!
Here are the lyrics:
Was 27 surviving my return to Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron melting
Running on empty, so out of gas
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron melting
Running on empty, so out of gas
Thought I wasn't enough and I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it any more
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it any more
By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way
I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
There is no more morning oh I
Can finally see myself again
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
There is no more morning oh I
Can finally see myself again
I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth will set you free
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth will set you free
By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way no
There ain't no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love (in the name of love)
That way
There ain't no
I'm not giving up
There ain't no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love (in the name of love)
That way
There ain't no
I'm not giving up
By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way
Songwriters
PERRY, KATY / WELLS, GREG
PERRY, KATY / WELLS, GREG
Published by
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Torn between "Good Woman" and "Crazy Stressed Mom"
Today my son Caleb received recognition for making Honor Roll at his school This is his 2nd Quarter in a row, and I am beyond proud of him. He is so incredibly smart (like me... no really!) but in the same breath I must say he gets his laziness from me too! I could have done so well in school but I did just enough to get by so I could play sports, not enough to excel! I tell him that all the time..... HE WILL BE BETTER THAN I EVER WAS!!!!
So today we were all at his school (Myself, Mike and N) for Caleb's Honor Roll presentation. I was in the kitchen area helping another mom prepare the snacks that were going to be provided to the kids. We were talking back and forth about our kids... how many... ages etc. So after when the kids were getting their snacks Mike came and handed me my purse and let me know he spilled my coffee (PUNK YOU OWE ME ONE!!) and we were joking back and forth, N came over and said a couple things I can't remember what. So as N was walking away, the girl recognized him and asked is that ..... I went to school with his sister. I said oh yeah it is.... So then she asks does he have a kid here? OH HERE WE GO.... I said no, that is my kids dads boyfriend. Her poor eyes got so huge... she just said OH.... then a second later said "The way you said that and the way you talk to them speaks highly of the type of person you are." I said thank you and that was the end of the conversation.
I got to thinking. It isn't that I haven't heard that before. I hear it a lot from people I know, but haven't really experienced it with someone who didn't know me personally. And I know that I have handled my life with a grace that not many people could have. I get that, and I am very proud of myself that I have. Anyone who is very close to me knows that I had my share of crying, begging, screaming and depression over the entire thing.... but if you are not close family or in my close circle of friends... you probably didn't see very much of that. (With the exception of my IG/Facebook outlash in July! Give me a break it was the only one!!) But when I hear people tell me I am a good person..... I automatically go back to last week when the kids had been with me for 10 days straight and I blurted out "I am ready for you guys to go to your dads for the weekend" and I go to the fact that my Christmas tree is still up in my living room. And I have a pile of laundry that needs to be done. I haven't vacuumed the floor in over two weeks.... That I have put off making a dentist appointment for the boys for months. I focus on all of the things that I should be doing better! I am guessing that is what most people do??? I don't know. A good person.... but a crazy stressed mom!
But here is a recent realization for me. I am a BAD ASS MOM!!! If the worse thing someone can say about me as a mom is that my house is messy.... I am OK with that! My kids ALWAYS have clean clothes to wear. They were nice, matched, ironed clothes daily to school. If they want hot lunch they have money for that... if they want cold lunch I make it. If they need a volunteer in their class I am there.... If they need a team mom I am usually the idiot that volunteers. I make every sporting event and even most practices. They are clean, well fed, well behaved, happy, spoiled, amazing kids! Do I make a full meal every night? NOPE.... sometimes they eat eggs and toast for dinner.... sometimes we GASP!!!! grab fast food!!! My heart, life, devotion, everything revolves around these boys. I work to support them, I do my photography to allow me to be able to spoil them a bit. I cherish every second I have with them. Even if they are making me crazy. Which they do quite often. If my kids can look back and remember that I was always there for them, encouraging them, doing whatever I could to make their life successful and know that I love them with all of my being, that I put them before I ever put myself. Then I am a good woman....
So today we were all at his school (Myself, Mike and N) for Caleb's Honor Roll presentation. I was in the kitchen area helping another mom prepare the snacks that were going to be provided to the kids. We were talking back and forth about our kids... how many... ages etc. So after when the kids were getting their snacks Mike came and handed me my purse and let me know he spilled my coffee (PUNK YOU OWE ME ONE!!) and we were joking back and forth, N came over and said a couple things I can't remember what. So as N was walking away, the girl recognized him and asked is that ..... I went to school with his sister. I said oh yeah it is.... So then she asks does he have a kid here? OH HERE WE GO.... I said no, that is my kids dads boyfriend. Her poor eyes got so huge... she just said OH.... then a second later said "The way you said that and the way you talk to them speaks highly of the type of person you are." I said thank you and that was the end of the conversation.
I got to thinking. It isn't that I haven't heard that before. I hear it a lot from people I know, but haven't really experienced it with someone who didn't know me personally. And I know that I have handled my life with a grace that not many people could have. I get that, and I am very proud of myself that I have. Anyone who is very close to me knows that I had my share of crying, begging, screaming and depression over the entire thing.... but if you are not close family or in my close circle of friends... you probably didn't see very much of that. (With the exception of my IG/Facebook outlash in July! Give me a break it was the only one!!) But when I hear people tell me I am a good person..... I automatically go back to last week when the kids had been with me for 10 days straight and I blurted out "I am ready for you guys to go to your dads for the weekend" and I go to the fact that my Christmas tree is still up in my living room. And I have a pile of laundry that needs to be done. I haven't vacuumed the floor in over two weeks.... That I have put off making a dentist appointment for the boys for months. I focus on all of the things that I should be doing better! I am guessing that is what most people do??? I don't know. A good person.... but a crazy stressed mom!
But here is a recent realization for me. I am a BAD ASS MOM!!! If the worse thing someone can say about me as a mom is that my house is messy.... I am OK with that! My kids ALWAYS have clean clothes to wear. They were nice, matched, ironed clothes daily to school. If they want hot lunch they have money for that... if they want cold lunch I make it. If they need a volunteer in their class I am there.... If they need a team mom I am usually the idiot that volunteers. I make every sporting event and even most practices. They are clean, well fed, well behaved, happy, spoiled, amazing kids! Do I make a full meal every night? NOPE.... sometimes they eat eggs and toast for dinner.... sometimes we GASP!!!! grab fast food!!! My heart, life, devotion, everything revolves around these boys. I work to support them, I do my photography to allow me to be able to spoil them a bit. I cherish every second I have with them. Even if they are making me crazy. Which they do quite often. If my kids can look back and remember that I was always there for them, encouraging them, doing whatever I could to make their life successful and know that I love them with all of my being, that I put them before I ever put myself. Then I am a good woman....
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
The last 6 months = Road to Happiness
Yeah it has been a while since I have written. And it made me feel good that someone actually mentioned it to me, that they missed reading them! (Thank you Kellie)
I took a few minutes and I read through all of the postings I have done so far. . I have come SO far in the last two years it is amazing. I am no longer that confused, scared, trying to keep a smile on my face woman. I am strong, I am confident, I am for lack of a better word.... Happy.
It took a lot of struggles and mistakes to get to this point. I was searching and searching for love, I kept thinking that is the only thing that will make me complete and whole again. But that is SO not the case. I am whole as me... just me.... Being happy with myself, as I am emotionally in the best place I have been in years!
My boys are growing so fast. Caleb at 10 1/2 is almost as tall as me. Jonah has grown over an inch in the last month! (and outgrown all of his school clothes!) Zechariah has even hit a growth spurt. Levi my baby will be 3 next week!! Caleb has found his love of sports in football and cannot wait for next season. We are getting ready to get Jonah signed up for baseball. His sport of choice. Zechariah and Levi are my gamers. LOL
My schedule with the kids and Mike has changed quite a bit, and it was an adjustment at first, but it is working now. Mentally it is a better thing for me. I had to make a decision for once that put my own emotions first, not the kids or Mike. So he does not come to my house every day anymore. Although he is more than welcome in my home, he no longer has a key and no longer comes to get the boys every day.
My relationship with Mike and N is great. N is now listed in my phone as "BDLP" (Baby Daddy Life Partner).... we think it is funny! We text and talk quite a bit and are able to just be friends. We all are on the same page when it comes to the boys. We all co-parent and speak to each other regarding all situations with the kids. "I had to sit Caleb down and tell him....." Or "Jonah and Zech were fighting etc..." "What do you think we should do about ...." We socialize together at holidays and special occasions. We went to Caleb's football games and sat together in the bleachers. As always the easiest way to describe it is we are a strange family.... but a family none the less!
As far as me and my love life... it is non-existent. Not because a lack of effort or interest. I just that I am not settling for anything less than everything I want in someone. Until I find it, I am going to have a good time and enjoy my life. I have reconnected with old friends, learned to stay away from some people who call themselves "friends", and focus on me and doing what I need to do to continue my quest in happiness.
2014 is gearing up to be a great year. Our divorce will be final sometime in the next 30-60 days. Which could bring up a bit of emotion, but I won't let that word define me. I am looking forward to this year, my attitude this year is be truly happy. I will continue on that road!
Happy 2014 to everyone reading! May this year be better than the previous!
I took a few minutes and I read through all of the postings I have done so far. . I have come SO far in the last two years it is amazing. I am no longer that confused, scared, trying to keep a smile on my face woman. I am strong, I am confident, I am for lack of a better word.... Happy.
It took a lot of struggles and mistakes to get to this point. I was searching and searching for love, I kept thinking that is the only thing that will make me complete and whole again. But that is SO not the case. I am whole as me... just me.... Being happy with myself, as I am emotionally in the best place I have been in years!
My boys are growing so fast. Caleb at 10 1/2 is almost as tall as me. Jonah has grown over an inch in the last month! (and outgrown all of his school clothes!) Zechariah has even hit a growth spurt. Levi my baby will be 3 next week!! Caleb has found his love of sports in football and cannot wait for next season. We are getting ready to get Jonah signed up for baseball. His sport of choice. Zechariah and Levi are my gamers. LOL
My schedule with the kids and Mike has changed quite a bit, and it was an adjustment at first, but it is working now. Mentally it is a better thing for me. I had to make a decision for once that put my own emotions first, not the kids or Mike. So he does not come to my house every day anymore. Although he is more than welcome in my home, he no longer has a key and no longer comes to get the boys every day.
My relationship with Mike and N is great. N is now listed in my phone as "BDLP" (Baby Daddy Life Partner).... we think it is funny! We text and talk quite a bit and are able to just be friends. We all are on the same page when it comes to the boys. We all co-parent and speak to each other regarding all situations with the kids. "I had to sit Caleb down and tell him....." Or "Jonah and Zech were fighting etc..." "What do you think we should do about ...." We socialize together at holidays and special occasions. We went to Caleb's football games and sat together in the bleachers. As always the easiest way to describe it is we are a strange family.... but a family none the less!
As far as me and my love life... it is non-existent. Not because a lack of effort or interest. I just that I am not settling for anything less than everything I want in someone. Until I find it, I am going to have a good time and enjoy my life. I have reconnected with old friends, learned to stay away from some people who call themselves "friends", and focus on me and doing what I need to do to continue my quest in happiness.
2014 is gearing up to be a great year. Our divorce will be final sometime in the next 30-60 days. Which could bring up a bit of emotion, but I won't let that word define me. I am looking forward to this year, my attitude this year is be truly happy. I will continue on that road!
Happy 2014 to everyone reading! May this year be better than the previous!
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