What a couple of months it has been! WOW! The last 2 months have been filled with some ups and downs and sad to say probably more downs than ups.
I spent May 4th trying to be as positive as I could. That is what used to be my wedding anniversary, and it would have been 11 years this year. I had a bit of a little girl melt down when I dropped the boys off that day to their dad. I got them out of the car and N came out and I started crying and slamming doors. It just hit me like a ton of bricks. But that night I took my older boys to a Star Wars themed baseball night and I felt better by the end of the day.
About a week and a half in to May my grandfather passed away. Although I can't say I was extremely close with him, he was my grandpa and I loved him very much and it was a sad moment for me. Little did I know that my sad moment would turn into a sad month. 3 days after we buried my grandfather my dad passed away. I can honestly say I felt it was coming. He has battled with his health for a LONG time. But I never would have guessed that it would happen this fast. One day he was joking and being as crazy as ever, and the next he was being moved to a private room, then the next to ICU. My family had to make some very heart breaking decisions and although I know that he is no longer in pain, and he is in a better place. It doesn't make the hurt go away.
Having to tell my boys that their grandpa had passed away was the MOST horrible thing I have ever had to do in my life. This wasn't MY grandparent or a distant relative that they didn't really know. This is someone that they saw at LEAST once a week, someone they had a great relationship with. This was someone who they knew and loved deeply and it hurt. Levi and Zechariah are too young to understand. Zech still asks for him or mentions him when we go to the house. Jonah was shocked and sad, but didn't know how to process the information. But my Bubby..... wow.... having to hold him as he sobbed and asked why and just couldn't believe it. He wanted to know why he didn't get to see him before he died. They felt the sting and pain of this and there was nothing I could do except for hold them and tell them I love them. I spent a lot of that week helping with funeral arrangements, doing the things that my mom just couldn't do as she was trying to comprehend and grieve in her own way. When the funeral arrived it was surreal. As we stood outside the church waiting for the funeral procession, we started to hear the rumble of the bikes. It was Memorial Day Weekend and our town always puts up flags down the main streets in our town. My dad had the best procession down a American Flag lined street lead by dozens of motorcycles. The rumbling of the bikes made me cry, knowing that this was it. My boys held it together until they saw the casket, and once Jonah realized what it was, he came unglued. We had private time with just the family and he crawled up on my moms lap and just cried. He finally figured out how to process the information. It was a beautiful service and so many people came, from his childhood, army days, church, family. It was amazing the love and support we all felt. He had a beautiful military burial, and as they folded the flag and presented it to my mom I felt my heart drop and just wanted it to be over. I think we all felt a bit numb and exhausted and just wanted to sleep... and I did for about 14 hours that night!
Now I am dealing with the guilt. Guilt that I have "another" dad and my sisters do not. I HATE the word step-dad.... although legally that is what he was. He IS the man who raised me, who taught me to play softball, who went to all my soccer games, track meets etc. I am NOT an emotional person, I did not spend days/weeks crying in my room because he passed away. I did my share of crying do not get me wrong, and maybe it is because I have kids and a job that I HAVE to be at in order to support my kids. But I had to pick myself up and move on. I was sad, AM sad that he is gone. It is almost unreal at times. But I feel guilty that I have my biological dad here and my sisters who are young and do not have kids yet will not have the joy that I did seeing the proud look in my dads eyes when my boys would run to him yelling "bampa". I feel guilty that I was able to have my dad at my wedding and she will not have that experience. I know that I am never considered a "step" sister or "half" sister when it comes to my brother and sisters. But this is the time in my life that I felt it the most. Not because of anything really said or did, but because I feel horrible that although I feel sad and the loss of losing him, that I have a dad still. Does this make sense.
This has been a trying couple of months for me, and guess what I survived. Shed a few tears, had a few bad moments. But I have grown and hope that things will look up soon!
