There is absolutely nothing that I wouldn't do for my boys. And there is ALMOST nothing that I wouldn't do for Mike as well. This last Saturday I did what needed to be done for us all. I went to "their" house for dinner.
I had a crazy busy day with photo shoots and preparing for an out of town shoot the following day. I was worried about showing up not looking "pretty". I had on sweats and a sweatshirt, a hat and running shoes. But after 5 photo shoots, I didn't have the energy to get dressed up. Who was I going to impress? So dinner was just pizza take out, so I showed up with a 12 pack..... pizza and beer, can't go wrong right???
My babies were all excited that I was there, but didn't really know how to act. The baby clung to his dad, because normally if I am coming over there it was to take them home. They had only been there since that morning, so going home was NOT what they wanted. (They love weekends with their dad and N) So we got through the conversation. How the day was, talking about Caleb's crazy turtle, how the kids were feeling. It was small talk of course. But I don't think there were too many quiet times of awkward silence.
I was there for a total of two hours.... (give or take a few minutes) when I left I broke down crying. Here is why. #1, when we got ready to eat and I asked for a fork for my salad, Mike opened the drawer and handed me "our" silverware. The one we got for our wedding. #2 on the living room table there was a picture of them together with the boys. #3 seeing my furniture, picture frames with pictures of them, decorations etc. #4 There are things/stories I know about Mike that N doesn't even know. I know him better. ALL of these thoughts came flooding through my head as I shut the door to my car. I KNOW these are not important things, and going back there again they probably won't bother me. But there is a first time for everything. And for the first time I really felt the door closing. It isn't propped open, it isn't cracked.... it is at that one point when it is closed and the little hitch has ALMOST clicked into the right spot. Once we file our divorce papers that hitch will go in, and then once it is final the door will lock. This is all a process. It is like a million step program that I need to go through to let me mind, heart and soul heal!
I can't say that I am in a rush to do that again. Not that I wouldn't, but not in a rush.
Mike.... if you read this... know that it may seem imaginable and I know people do not understand "us", but know that I love you more than anyone ever could. I love you from the depth of my soul. You gave me the biggest gift by making this decision. You gave me the opportunity to be loved like I should and how I long to be. This hasn't been easy for anyone, but I know that if the road gets bumpier or the waves get higher, you and I will make it through and will ALWAYS remain best friends!
