A friend of mine is experiencing some difficulties early in her pregnancy that are similar to the problems I had when I was pregnant with Caleb. As I sat here today thinking about what to say to her, and what advice to give, I remembered back to the day I was 31 weeks pregnant....
We were at a party for my moms birthday. I had on one of my favorite skirts.... I had just finished shopping for the remainder of the bedding and accessories for Caleb's bedroom. I had brought everything in to the house and was showing everyone. I remember standing in the entry way to my moms house talking to my mom and Mike.... and I felt something drip down my leg.... I thought to myself OMG I just peed myself.... but as I looked down I saw that it was blood. Then a few seconds later, it was just a gush.... I panicked. Mike stayed uncharacteristically calm, my mom kept insisting I lay down on the couch... I told her there is no way I am walking across your cream carpet to lay down on your white couch!! I sat down on the tile entryway and waited.
Gratefully the fire station was right around the corner so emergency response was there quite fast. Remember we were at a party.... yeah not fun with 50 people staring at you as you are bleeding, and put on a stretcher and a paramedic is looking up your skirt! LOL
This part is the point of this entire post.... I remember being in the ambulance and the question was asked.... If it comes down to me or the baby what do we want to do. Immediately Mike answered save her.... He looked and me and told me we could always have another baby, but he couldn't do that if I wasn't there. I remember after all the craziness died down, thinking to myself wow... this man really loves me. He would give up his son because he loves me so much.
What happened to that love over the years? And my bigger question now, is.... will there ever be anyone who will love me like that again. It has been almost three years since he left me. I have gone on a few dates. Made some great friends, and met some not so great men. And I often sit and wonder why is it that I am still alone. I had one man tell me the fact that I have four young kids is the reason he wouldn't date me on a serious level. I hear a lot of "your awesome ... but..." "Your too good for me...." blah blah blah. The fact remains that it is hard to deal with every day life alone. I don't need someone to take care of me and my kids. I just want someone to want to.... Someone who cares enough to text me and see how my day is going. Who wants to take me away for the weekend. Someone who feels I am worthy of love.... no matter how many kids I have, or if my ex is gay, or that I don't work out 4 hours a day to have the perfect body. Someone who appreciates that I am smart, and creative, that I love sports, and I am a kick ass mom. I am hoping that one day soon that person comes along before I give up on hope in that person exists.
That is my vent for the day.... I am still happy with my life and know that I am in a better place that I have been in the past. But sometimes these feelings must be shared along with the positive. Happy Monday everyone... Live your life with love, faith and joy!
