The dreaded day

 For the last few years today hasn't phased me much, last year I completely forgot.  But today is a shitty day for me.   20 years ago today I woke up anxious and excited to begin the rest of my life with the man I thought would love me until the end.   

You see I didn't get married young.  I waited, I enjoyed my early 20's, I traveled, moved away, partied a lot.  Enjoyed doing whatever I wanted.  Had my own place, my own stuff my own life.  I learned how to be myself.   When I met my ex, i was in my mid 20's, I just turned 25 actually....   and by 27 we were ready to settle down and start a life.  

But it wasn't a life.  It was a time... and in that time I got the BEST part of my life which is my boys.  And I do NOT want that life back, I don't think you could pay me enough to even try and at the same time I wouldn't change it.  But when I was in that life I will say this.  I was an amazing wife.  I was what a wife should be an then some.  And today I am pissed that it was wasted on someone who didn't appreciate, value or even want it.   I am angry that even after I forgave him when he broke my heart 4 years in, I still continued to  live like the betrayal wasn't there.   I lived with the hope that the time of trial would be rewarded by a life of love and happiness.   What a joke!   I believed that my faith and works within the church would be rewarded with a restored marriage and family.   Instead I got continued betrayal and heartache.   

In the back of my mind I say to myself woman get over it already, and I am over it like 99%.  Most days it doesn't even phase me.   But if only one day in a few years makes me feel crappy, then mentally I am better than most.   One day today will just be Star Wars day like it is to everyone else but for today in 2022 it is a sucky day!     

Learning to Let Go

 Life is strange.  

I was at a point in my life a few years ago that I was confident, happy, content.   A man walked into my life and did everything he could to make me fall in love with him.  He would literally ask me daily if I loved him.   And for a long while the answer was no, until it wasn't.    Now this relationship was WRONG on so many levels, but having someone who seemed to genuinely care about me, and wanted so bad for me to care for them turned off all logical thinking.  It didn't hurt that he was amazingly hot, but that is besides the point.  But the lies and disbelief and my stupidness all came to light.  I should know better right?  That eventually it would turn into heartbreak.  And it turned me into the complete opposite of what I was when he walked into my life.    I was scared, and sad, and felt horrible with myself.  And some of that was justifiable.   But it ruined all bit of confidence I had.   I drank a lot for a bit, trying to hide my sadness and my stupidity.  

Now 4 years later, I am again at that point, confident, happy, content.   I know I have so much room for improvement in my life, it is a constant battle.   I have finally become strong enough to not allow guys walk in and out of my life when it is convenient for them.   I genuinely know what I want from my life, and from a man who could one day be a part of it.

If someone cannot appreciate what I have to offer then I can appreciate that they are not meant to be in my life at that level.   I can say with confidence, that I am grateful for the mistakes that I have made in life.  Learning to forgive others, and myself for all the craziness in my life will have to do.  

Nothing makes me happier in life then doing things for other people.   Do you like a certain candy.... guess what I am getting when I see it at the store.  Are you feeling down or overwhelmed, I will probably spend hours finding the right quote or saying to send to you.   Is there a special day coming up, I will always want to celebrate with you.   Do you care about my kids, I will care about yours.     Sometimes I wish my outsides matched my insides, because I know that if it did I wouldn't be where I am today.   My strengths have nothing to do with willpower or consistency sometimes, but my strengths can show anyone that I am caring, loving, and a pretty damn good person to have in your corner.  

The love I have to give someone is worth more than what has even been given me in the past.   That I can guarantee you! 

Again??.....

Last year I entered the world of keto....  It worked well, I lost a good amount of weight....  then early this year I feel off the wagon.  And to my shock (sarcasm) all the weight came back.   You have seen me write before about my weight and how it bothers me.  And I have never considered myself to be a fat girl...  but I  know I am.   Ever see the meme .... "I am so fat.. no you are so pretty.... I never said I wasn't pretty..."   That is me in a nutshell!

 A few weeks ago I made the decision to get my health in order.  It really isn't even about losing weight anymore.  It is about being healthier for myself and for my boys.  I found myself exhausted at the end of my office job day....   my legs were swelling, I am out of breath doing the simplest of things.   Now don't get me wrong, I still keep going.  I don't stop because I feel uncomfortable, but I am tired of being uncomfortable.

Last week I began that journey. It is starting with a liver detox... OMG no booze!!  SEND HELP!  lol    Surprisingly the no coffee part is what is killing me.  But so far so good.   Prepping, weighing, eating organic, fresh foods.   My sister, who has been certified as a health coach is helping me along the way, which is great for accountability and encouragement. 

Today was my official one week on detox.  I have lost 8.6 pounds and feel significantly better already.  OK I am done... LOL Just kidding!    I  am trying to train my mind to make better choices, and not only that, but begin to enjoy those choices.   I have tricked myself into drinking more water by using a Venti Starbucks cup... 20oz at a time.   Somehow with that cup and a straw I drink more.  How my demented mind works I guess.  

So that is it in my fun exciting world for now.  Have a great week!  

My dreams...

Last week I had a moment of poor me.   I was laying in my room, trying to turn my mind off and Caleb came in and asked if I was ok.   And of course my answer was yes I am fine, just tired.

But here is the reality.  I  have been on my own for going on 9 years now.  I have handled it all in stride and do my best to never complain to my boys or bring my sometimes down feelings into the picture where they are concerned.    Now their dad and I are friends, but we are not friends on social media for a reason.    And although I already knew, because he told me, a mutual friend decided that I needed to see a post that he had put about how he had purchased his dream car.     And it took a day or so, but then it kicked in.  In the last 9 years I have been through many struggles in life.   And maybe I don't have dreams that are realistic..... but he is getting his dreams.... he always wanted to buy a house... done.... got married again... done.....  dream car...  beach vacations....  all that stuff.   And although I am glad that he has been able to achieve dreams, I had a night of poor me....  How can he walk away and walk into whatever he wants and dreams of.   I am glad that night is over....  

In 9 years I have yet to have a serious relationship.  I seem to repulse men who are emotionally available as well as single....   Or at least the ones I am interested in.....  But lets be real, I don't have the best track record prior to the 9 years... I mean I was married to a gay guy.  

I don't own a home, I have bills, I  don't have luxury vacations, I drive a mini van for crying out loud. 

But what I DO have is an unbelievable relationship with my sons.   Last night we ate a wonderful gourmet dinner of chili dogs and mac n cheese (lol) and we sat at the table for at least an hour, just talking and laughing and having real conversation.    I have four boys that kiss me goodnight and tell me they love me.  And even on nights when they are not with me, I normally get a text saying they love me.   

I DO have a small but amazing group of friends who I know I can count on for anything.  

I DO have a family that I adore and continue to be a saving grace in my life.  

I DO know that although I may not have my dream house, or a husband, or a nice car.  I  have a wonderful life that sometimes I feel crappy about but the ups outweigh the bad days by 98%!   

Life is what you make it....  I choose not to be sad or down or even angry about what I feel my life SHOULD be....   And Ii am grateful for what my life IS! 

Have you ever loved.....

Have you ever loved someone enough to reveal the real you?   

The you that you won't apologize for?  The good, the bad, the fabulous and the ugly?    Recently the boys and I ventured into the garage for a complete day of cleaning the crap out.   In the process I found a box, this box held every letter, card, note, memento that Mike had ever given me over the years of dating, engagement and marriage.    I  was ready to toss it, but Caleb wanted to keep it, so I let him.    I think it is a positive thing for him to see and know that what we had was real and loving at one point.   But back to the point.... 

In this box there was an envelope, the outside just says "Do not open until the ring is on the finger".   This is a letter/list of things I  wanted in a husband that I had written years before I had met Mike.  Once we were engaged, I found the envelope and opened it.   

I tried to justify everything that Mike wasn't.   Everything that I insisted that I wanted that didn't exist in what we had.   Why?  Because I loved him.  Because he was the one God brought to me.  When I stopped searching he was the one who walked in and showed me the love I thought I wanted and needed.  Maybe God knew better than I did.   

I still don't know the answers to that.   I know that at one day and point we loved each other.   And we had a friendship that is still intact to this day.    But there was always something missing....  for him, I  was missing ... well...   a penis... (lol).    For me it wasn't a look or a body part, it was commonality.   If anyone knows me, you know I love sports, and that was something on my list.  Must love sports.  Anyone know knows Mike, knows that isn't there.    I wanted the touchy affectionate person who wasn't afraid to hug me, or kiss me, or hold my hand in public.  That was never the case, and honestly what we fought most about.  He would walk 3 steps ahead of me on most days.   

Now don't get me wrong.   We had things in common, and that is why we lasted the 10+ years we had together.   But each of us sacrafised things we genuinely desired in someone for the sake of getting married, then for the sake of our children.     I  allowed myself to become as much as the person he wanted as I could.   And at the same time pieces of me began to die.   Allowing what someone else wanted me to be to take over.   I wasn't me anymore.    

Over the last 8+ years that I  have been just me....  I have allowed those things to live in me again.  To not settle for anything less than what I  want.   To not allow myself to not be who I am, or accept things in someone that I know in my heart are not good for me, just for the sake of a relationship.   

Last weekend I went out with a man (we have known each other for a long time and have dated off and on for years) and as we walked around Old Sac, he came up behind me in one of the stores and hugged me and kissed the back of my head.   And that was a moment of realization to me.   That what I want does exist.  There is something in me that is desirable to some, and will this finally work out with this particular person, no clue.  Day by day....     But it was an eye opening thing for me to know that not all is lost.  I am allowed to be my true self, to be loud and needy sometimes.  To not be perfect, but still lovable.   My life is just beginning.   The opportunities of love are still there, and so is the opportunity of having the love I want.   

Yes I know his face is cropped out... it was on purpose.  But HE said come here and take a pic....   He wanted to memorialize the day by taking a photo.....  THIS is what I needed.... these are things I look for.   It was a great day..... 

How things change in a decade....

As we are drawing close to the end of 2019, I have started reflecting on what I would say was the most difficult 10 years of my life.   In 2009, into 2010 I was a wife, and mom of 3 boys.  I at the time was a stay at home mama and enjoyed my life on the surface.   Deep down I knew that life could be better.  I knew something was lacking in my life, and now I know it was love.   

10 years later, I am divorced, mom of 4 boys, I  have moved 2 times, and been through many struggles.   But I am happy in almost every aspect of my life.  I have worked for the same company for over 9 years now, I live in a beautiful home, I  have four gorgeous healthy boys.   I  have made friends who are more than friends, they are family.    I have blended into a small town community that I am proud to be a part of.    Life is good, better than good.  


Now I still don't have that love that I long for, but I have a sense of peace about it.   I know that I am not settling for anything less than what I  desire.  It will happen, I may be 80 by the time it does..... but until then, I will keep having fun! 


In the next 10 years I expect life to change quite a bit, it is hard to fathom but my baby Levi will be 18 by then.... WOW.....  my kids will be grown and it will be a new time for me.  Until then I am going to continue to raise my boys as best I can.  Continue to show them a parent who will go to the ends of the earth to help them reach their dreams and desires.   I will continue to love them unconditionally, and cherish every play, musical, basketball, football and baseball game they have.  I will continue to be the best mom I know how to be.    For me .... I plan on continuing my journey to better health... maybe get into running again (MAYBE).  Learn how to spend a little time for me once and a while.   Just the basics.   

8 Years of Single Parenting!

There are many things I have learned over my last 8 years as a single mom.... here is some insight.

1. Unless your child's other parent is hurting your child mentally or physically you should NEVER come between a child having a relationship with the other parent. Not because you don't like their new spouse or boy/girlfriend. They have moved on, get over yourself. It doesn't change the love they have for their child. Doing things to make their life more difficult to fulfill some revenge you feel you deserve is childish.

2. Your child should ALWAYS come first in your decisions to dating or getting into a relationship with someone new. If the person you are SO IN LOVE with is not a good example to be around your child, I don't care how much you think you love them or they love you, you are being selfish. Your child should be around people who you would be ok with them growing up to be. Side note... if you can't bring this person around your child, family or friends then WTH are you thinking?

3. Being your kids best friend is ridiculous. There are ways to build that bond and relationship with your kids without being their best friend. Save that for the kids that they are around. Be a parent. Learn how to earn their trust so they will tell you secrets of a best friend without losing the respect as a parent.

4. Allow your children to make mistakes. Do not fix everything for them. Let them learn from their mistakes, take responsibility for them and learn how to correct them and make better decisions next time. If we as parents continue to fix every little problem we are going to have a generation of lost puppies who don't know how to live in a very cruel society.

5. Know what is going on in their lives. Take an interest in them as people. What do they do during the day, who do they hang out with. What are the looking at on the phone/computer? Are they happy, sad, lonely, excited?

5. If you don't already, always tell your kids you love them. No matter how old they are....tell them how proud you are, how happy you are that you are their parent.

That is my parental rant for the day, sorry