My dreams...

Last week I had a moment of poor me.   I was laying in my room, trying to turn my mind off and Caleb came in and asked if I was ok.   And of course my answer was yes I am fine, just tired.

But here is the reality.  I  have been on my own for going on 9 years now.  I have handled it all in stride and do my best to never complain to my boys or bring my sometimes down feelings into the picture where they are concerned.    Now their dad and I are friends, but we are not friends on social media for a reason.    And although I already knew, because he told me, a mutual friend decided that I needed to see a post that he had put about how he had purchased his dream car.     And it took a day or so, but then it kicked in.  In the last 9 years I have been through many struggles in life.   And maybe I don't have dreams that are realistic..... but he is getting his dreams.... he always wanted to buy a house... done.... got married again... done.....  dream car...  beach vacations....  all that stuff.   And although I am glad that he has been able to achieve dreams, I had a night of poor me....  How can he walk away and walk into whatever he wants and dreams of.   I am glad that night is over....  

In 9 years I have yet to have a serious relationship.  I seem to repulse men who are emotionally available as well as single....   Or at least the ones I am interested in.....  But lets be real, I don't have the best track record prior to the 9 years... I mean I was married to a gay guy.  

I don't own a home, I have bills, I  don't have luxury vacations, I drive a mini van for crying out loud. 

But what I DO have is an unbelievable relationship with my sons.   Last night we ate a wonderful gourmet dinner of chili dogs and mac n cheese (lol) and we sat at the table for at least an hour, just talking and laughing and having real conversation.    I have four boys that kiss me goodnight and tell me they love me.  And even on nights when they are not with me, I normally get a text saying they love me.   

I DO have a small but amazing group of friends who I know I can count on for anything.  

I DO have a family that I adore and continue to be a saving grace in my life.  

I DO know that although I may not have my dream house, or a husband, or a nice car.  I  have a wonderful life that sometimes I feel crappy about but the ups outweigh the bad days by 98%!   

Life is what you make it....  I choose not to be sad or down or even angry about what I feel my life SHOULD be....   And Ii am grateful for what my life IS!