Again??.....

Last year I entered the world of keto....  It worked well, I lost a good amount of weight....  then early this year I feel off the wagon.  And to my shock (sarcasm) all the weight came back.   You have seen me write before about my weight and how it bothers me.  And I have never considered myself to be a fat girl...  but I  know I am.   Ever see the meme .... "I am so fat.. no you are so pretty.... I never said I wasn't pretty..."   That is me in a nutshell!

 A few weeks ago I made the decision to get my health in order.  It really isn't even about losing weight anymore.  It is about being healthier for myself and for my boys.  I found myself exhausted at the end of my office job day....   my legs were swelling, I am out of breath doing the simplest of things.   Now don't get me wrong, I still keep going.  I don't stop because I feel uncomfortable, but I am tired of being uncomfortable.

Last week I began that journey. It is starting with a liver detox... OMG no booze!!  SEND HELP!  lol    Surprisingly the no coffee part is what is killing me.  But so far so good.   Prepping, weighing, eating organic, fresh foods.   My sister, who has been certified as a health coach is helping me along the way, which is great for accountability and encouragement. 

Today was my official one week on detox.  I have lost 8.6 pounds and feel significantly better already.  OK I am done... LOL Just kidding!    I  am trying to train my mind to make better choices, and not only that, but begin to enjoy those choices.   I have tricked myself into drinking more water by using a Venti Starbucks cup... 20oz at a time.   Somehow with that cup and a straw I drink more.  How my demented mind works I guess.  

So that is it in my fun exciting world for now.  Have a great week!  

My dreams...

Last week I had a moment of poor me.   I was laying in my room, trying to turn my mind off and Caleb came in and asked if I was ok.   And of course my answer was yes I am fine, just tired.

But here is the reality.  I  have been on my own for going on 9 years now.  I have handled it all in stride and do my best to never complain to my boys or bring my sometimes down feelings into the picture where they are concerned.    Now their dad and I are friends, but we are not friends on social media for a reason.    And although I already knew, because he told me, a mutual friend decided that I needed to see a post that he had put about how he had purchased his dream car.     And it took a day or so, but then it kicked in.  In the last 9 years I have been through many struggles in life.   And maybe I don't have dreams that are realistic..... but he is getting his dreams.... he always wanted to buy a house... done.... got married again... done.....  dream car...  beach vacations....  all that stuff.   And although I am glad that he has been able to achieve dreams, I had a night of poor me....  How can he walk away and walk into whatever he wants and dreams of.   I am glad that night is over....  

In 9 years I have yet to have a serious relationship.  I seem to repulse men who are emotionally available as well as single....   Or at least the ones I am interested in.....  But lets be real, I don't have the best track record prior to the 9 years... I mean I was married to a gay guy.  

I don't own a home, I have bills, I  don't have luxury vacations, I drive a mini van for crying out loud. 

But what I DO have is an unbelievable relationship with my sons.   Last night we ate a wonderful gourmet dinner of chili dogs and mac n cheese (lol) and we sat at the table for at least an hour, just talking and laughing and having real conversation.    I have four boys that kiss me goodnight and tell me they love me.  And even on nights when they are not with me, I normally get a text saying they love me.   

I DO have a small but amazing group of friends who I know I can count on for anything.  

I DO have a family that I adore and continue to be a saving grace in my life.  

I DO know that although I may not have my dream house, or a husband, or a nice car.  I  have a wonderful life that sometimes I feel crappy about but the ups outweigh the bad days by 98%!   

Life is what you make it....  I choose not to be sad or down or even angry about what I feel my life SHOULD be....   And Ii am grateful for what my life IS! 

Have you ever loved.....

Have you ever loved someone enough to reveal the real you?   

The you that you won't apologize for?  The good, the bad, the fabulous and the ugly?    Recently the boys and I ventured into the garage for a complete day of cleaning the crap out.   In the process I found a box, this box held every letter, card, note, memento that Mike had ever given me over the years of dating, engagement and marriage.    I  was ready to toss it, but Caleb wanted to keep it, so I let him.    I think it is a positive thing for him to see and know that what we had was real and loving at one point.   But back to the point.... 

In this box there was an envelope, the outside just says "Do not open until the ring is on the finger".   This is a letter/list of things I  wanted in a husband that I had written years before I had met Mike.  Once we were engaged, I found the envelope and opened it.   

I tried to justify everything that Mike wasn't.   Everything that I insisted that I wanted that didn't exist in what we had.   Why?  Because I loved him.  Because he was the one God brought to me.  When I stopped searching he was the one who walked in and showed me the love I thought I wanted and needed.  Maybe God knew better than I did.   

I still don't know the answers to that.   I know that at one day and point we loved each other.   And we had a friendship that is still intact to this day.    But there was always something missing....  for him, I  was missing ... well...   a penis... (lol).    For me it wasn't a look or a body part, it was commonality.   If anyone knows me, you know I love sports, and that was something on my list.  Must love sports.  Anyone know knows Mike, knows that isn't there.    I wanted the touchy affectionate person who wasn't afraid to hug me, or kiss me, or hold my hand in public.  That was never the case, and honestly what we fought most about.  He would walk 3 steps ahead of me on most days.   

Now don't get me wrong.   We had things in common, and that is why we lasted the 10+ years we had together.   But each of us sacrafised things we genuinely desired in someone for the sake of getting married, then for the sake of our children.     I  allowed myself to become as much as the person he wanted as I could.   And at the same time pieces of me began to die.   Allowing what someone else wanted me to be to take over.   I wasn't me anymore.    

Over the last 8+ years that I  have been just me....  I have allowed those things to live in me again.  To not settle for anything less than what I  want.   To not allow myself to not be who I am, or accept things in someone that I know in my heart are not good for me, just for the sake of a relationship.   

Last weekend I went out with a man (we have known each other for a long time and have dated off and on for years) and as we walked around Old Sac, he came up behind me in one of the stores and hugged me and kissed the back of my head.   And that was a moment of realization to me.   That what I want does exist.  There is something in me that is desirable to some, and will this finally work out with this particular person, no clue.  Day by day....     But it was an eye opening thing for me to know that not all is lost.  I am allowed to be my true self, to be loud and needy sometimes.  To not be perfect, but still lovable.   My life is just beginning.   The opportunities of love are still there, and so is the opportunity of having the love I want.   

Yes I know his face is cropped out... it was on purpose.  But HE said come here and take a pic....   He wanted to memorialize the day by taking a photo.....  THIS is what I needed.... these are things I look for.   It was a great day.....