I was given this life....

For the last month or so I have been wanting a tattoo put on my forearm that simply says "I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it!" 

And I thought I was strong, very strong... until I heard the words from Levi's doctor "We need to rule out leukemia".  Those are the words I heard yesterday 7/15/13 at approximately 4:30pm.... they were the most heart breaking words I have ever heard in my life.   

Back step....   About 3 months ago Mike mentioned to me about a lump in Levi's chest, you could feel it but not see it.  It didn't seem to bother him, so we just kind of forgot about it.  Then a N's sister, a nurse of 20 years, felt it... and was concerned, said he should have it checked out soon.  So the next day we were off to the doctor.  At first I didn't think too much of it, of course no one ever wants to think the worst when it comes to the well being of their child.  But the look in the doctors face when he felt his chest...  and when he hesitated my heart sank.  When he said the words my eyes welled up with tears... this cannot be happening.  I sent Mike a text message and I was freaking out.  HOW could this be happening.  My mind was racing, my tears would not stop.  Then it was off to the xray lab....  they made me hold his arms up while they put this tube around him and it seemed like forever.  He was crying and begging to hold me (which is what he says when he wants me to pick him up).   THEN it was off to the blood lab, and anyone knows that this isn't pleasant for adults, much less a 2 1/2 year old.  They tried his left arm first, and they blew a vein... so then of course he was screaming like crazy and we had to hold him down while they tried the right arm.  He just kept crying help me mommy, help me..... it hurts it hurts....   My heart felt like it was going to explode.  I just kept telling him "your ok baby... you are so strong.... mommy is here.... I love you so much"   

I don't know who was more traumatized me or him.  By the time we got to the car, he was drained and ready to go to sleep, I was still crying and not sure what to do.  It was waiting time.  Wait for how long?  Who knew!   

I feel bad because I tried to keep it together when I got home with the boys.... I tried to be interested in how their weekend was, what they did for the day, but all I wanted to do was hold Levi.  I only let the people closest to me know exactly what was going on, it wasn't something I wanted blasted all over social media, or my phone blowing up with texts and phone calls.   I just wanted time to process what could be my worst nightmare.  

After about 9pm I gave up hope of hearing from the doctor, once I got the kids to bed I tried to sleep.  I spent a lot of time trying to clear my head, think of something other than this crazy day.  Didn't work too well, but did manage to fall asleep probably close to 1am.   

When my alarm went off at 5:20, I just kept hitting snooze, I wasn't planning on going to work until I heard from the doctor.  How can I go act like nothing is happening.   So I waited.....  Mike came and took the 3 boys to their daily stops... and I waited.   Once 8:30am came I was already anxious so I called.  Of course the only option was to send a message to my doctor.  They did tell me that they knew they were still waiting on the blood work.  So my options were to continue to wait or go about my day.  So I took Levi to his papa's house and I went off to work.  

Into my office, door shut... tying not to speak to anyone so I would breakdown into an emotional mess.  Then as people came in to ask questions I get the look of "wow you look like crap" but the sympathetic question of "are you ok?"   And of course my answer is no, and the tears flow!   Every time my phone rang I thought it was the doctor... and was angry when it wasn't.  I'm sorry google I don't want to talk to you about advertising for my business right this second!   

Finally the number for the doctor came up.... "hello.... Mrs. Craven how are you?.... I'm ok.....  You are not worried are you?  ..... of course I am worried....  There is no need to be Mrs. Craven, lets go over what we see...."  

My baby is OK!!!!!   His blood levels came back fine.  He had one level that was a bit elevated, and they said that could be from a recent virus... If he did have one, it was barely noticeable.  X-ray came back clear, nothing abnormal.  So what is the bump in his chest... we don't know at this time.  We will continue to watch it and see if there is any changes.  Next step would be maybe an ultrasound.... but for now my baby is healthy.  38" Tall, 30.4 pounds, talkative, handsome, smart, funny, crazy boy!!  

I don't know if my heart and/or mind will ever recover from the last 24 hours, but as long as my babies are healthy and happy I am ok.  Someone made a comment to me today.  "When all of this comes out ok, your going to realize that all the crazy stuff you stress about is nothing"  And that is sooooo true.   My life is complete as long as my boys are in it.  

What a couple of months....

What a couple of months it has been!  WOW!   The last 2 months have been filled with some ups and downs and sad to say probably more downs than ups. 


I spent May 4th trying to be as positive as I could.  That is what used to be my wedding anniversary, and it would have been 11 years this year.  I had a bit of a little girl melt down when I dropped the boys off that day to their dad.  I got them out of the car and N came out and I started crying and slamming doors.  It just hit me like a ton of bricks.  But that night I took my older boys to a Star Wars themed baseball night and I felt better by the end of the day.  

About a week and a half in to May my grandfather passed away.  Although I can't say I was extremely close with him, he was my grandpa and I loved him very much and it was a sad moment for me.   Little did I know that my sad moment would turn into a sad month.  3 days after we buried my grandfather my dad passed away.  I can honestly say I felt it was coming.  He has battled with his health for a LONG time.  But I never would have guessed that it would happen this fast.   One day he was joking and being as crazy as ever, and the next he was being moved to a private room, then the next to ICU.   My family had to make some very heart breaking decisions and although I know that he is no longer in pain, and he is in a better place.  It doesn't make the hurt go away.  

Having to tell my boys that their grandpa had passed away was the MOST horrible thing I have ever had to do in my life.  This wasn't MY grandparent or a distant relative that they didn't really know.  This is someone that they saw at LEAST once a week, someone they had a great relationship with.   This was someone who they knew and loved deeply and it hurt.  Levi and Zechariah are too young to understand.  Zech still asks for him or mentions him when we go to the house.  Jonah was shocked and sad, but didn't know how to process the information.  But my Bubby..... wow.... having to hold him as he sobbed and asked why and just couldn't believe it.  He wanted to know why he didn't get to see him before he died.   They felt the sting and pain of this and there was nothing I could do except for hold them and tell them I love them.  I spent a lot of that week helping with funeral arrangements, doing the things that my mom just couldn't do as she was trying to comprehend and grieve in her own way.   When the funeral arrived it was surreal.  As we stood outside the church waiting for the funeral procession, we started to hear the rumble of the bikes.  It was Memorial Day Weekend and our town always puts up flags down the main streets in our town.  My dad had the best procession down a American Flag lined street lead by dozens of motorcycles.   The rumbling of the bikes made me cry, knowing that this was it.  My boys held it together until they saw the casket, and once Jonah realized what it was, he came unglued.  We had private time with just the family and he crawled up on my moms lap and just cried.  He finally figured out how to process the information.  It was a beautiful service and so many people came, from his childhood, army days, church, family.  It was amazing the love and support we all felt.   He had a beautiful military burial, and as they folded the flag and presented it to my mom I felt my heart drop and just wanted it to be over.  I think we all felt a bit numb and exhausted and just wanted to sleep... and I did for about 14 hours that night! 

Now I am dealing with the guilt.  Guilt that I have "another" dad and my sisters do not.   I HATE the word step-dad.... although legally that is what he was.  He IS the man who raised me, who taught me to play softball, who went to all my soccer games, track meets etc.    I am NOT an emotional person, I did not spend days/weeks crying in my room because he passed away.  I did my share of crying do not get me wrong, and maybe it is because I have kids and a job that I HAVE to be at in order to support my kids.  But I had to pick myself up and move on.  I was sad, AM sad that he is gone.  It is almost unreal at times.  But I feel guilty that I have my biological dad here and my sisters who are young and do not have kids yet will not have the joy that I did seeing the proud look in my dads eyes when my boys would run to him yelling "bampa".   I feel guilty that I was able to have my dad at my wedding and she will not have that experience.    I know that I am never considered a "step" sister or "half" sister when it comes to my brother and sisters.   But this is the time in my life that I felt it the most.  Not because of anything really said or did, but because I feel horrible that although I feel sad and the loss of losing him, that I have a dad still.    Does this make sense. 

This has been a trying couple of months for me, and guess what I survived.  Shed a few tears, had a few bad moments.  But I have grown and hope that things will look up soon!   

Love

Love, 4 letters, 1 syllable and one of the biggest meanings. 

I love many things in my life.  Nothing more than I love my boys.  Their faces bring me the biggest JOY that anyone could ever imagine.  When they are with their dad, I look at their pictures constantly.  They give me purpose and meaning.  What I do, I do for them.  

The rest is in no designated order....

I love photography.  I love being able to create a lasting memory.  I love to hear a client say "OMG I LOVE THIS SHOT!"  When I walk into someones house and see a portrait that I took hanging up on their wall it gives me chills.  That my work is good enough to be shown in their home.  

I love my mom.  Plain and simple and if I could give her the world I would.  She deserves more joy and happiness than anyone I know.  She is patient and giving and has shown me what it is like to love my boys unconditionally. 

I love my sisters.  Without them I don't know where I would be mentally.  I know we always do not see eye to eye on things, but we have developed a relationship that goes beyond that.  We understand each other and know that no matter what we are SISTERS.   Anyone who knew me with them when we were younger, knows I couldn't stand to be around them.  But as we have grown up the age difference doesn't seem to matter any more.  They are my best friends and more importantly my sisters. 

I love my brother.  My brother is undoubtedly the best big brother there is.  Even now as we are adults, he is still the BIG brother who wants to protect me and is always there for me. And I am excited to see what an influence he will play on my boys as well.  As Caleb gets ready to play football this year, I know my brother will be a great mentor in this area. 

I love my DFM friends.  Distance doesn't matter.  What matters to us is that we love each other, we always are there to listen to one another.  I am grateful they came along when they did, and they have listened to some crazy rants and stories from me but love me just the same. And some of them are just as crazy as me!

I love my job.  I am grateful to work at a company that appreciates me.  There is a dynamic at my job that cannot be duplicated.  I would be lost without this place.  

I love Mike.  He has been my one true friend through all of the crap that has gone on.  I wouldn't be the person I am today without him and the life we have lived.  I know if I have a bad day he is there to listen, not judge and help me feel better.   I am truly happy that he is happy and am grateful that our friendship has sustained through the drama.  And I am glad he is my baby daddy!  My boys are blessed to have such an amazing man as their dad! 

Sometimes the word LOVE is thrown around loosely ... but if I tell you I love you... it means I love you and would do anything for you.  Does it mean I won't make mistakes? NO.... Does it mean that I won't hurt you..... NO  mistakes lead to hurt.  I just know that the love I have is real for those around me.  One day I hope to find someone who loves me back with the same regard.... but time will tell!   

Dinner was the next step!

There is absolutely nothing that I wouldn't do for my boys.  And there is ALMOST nothing that I wouldn't do for Mike as well.  This last Saturday I did what needed to be done for us all.   I went to "their" house for dinner.  

I had a crazy busy day with photo shoots and preparing for an out of town shoot the following day.  I was worried about showing up not looking "pretty".  I had on sweats and a sweatshirt, a hat and running shoes.  But after 5 photo shoots, I didn't have the energy to get dressed up.  Who was I going to impress?  So dinner was just pizza take out, so I showed up with a 12 pack..... pizza and beer, can't go wrong right???  

My babies were all excited that I was there, but didn't really know how to act.  The baby clung to his dad, because normally if I am coming over there it was to take them home.  They had only been there since that morning, so going home was NOT what they wanted.  (They love weekends with their dad and N) So we got through the conversation.  How the day was, talking about Caleb's crazy turtle, how the kids were feeling.   It was small talk of course.  But I don't think there were too many quiet times of awkward silence.  

I was there for a total of two hours....  (give or take a few minutes) when I left I broke down crying.  Here is why.  #1, when we got ready to eat and I asked for a fork for my salad, Mike opened the drawer and handed me "our" silverware.  The one we got for our wedding.  #2 on the living room table there was a picture of them together with the boys.  #3 seeing my furniture, picture frames with pictures of them, decorations etc.  #4 There are things/stories I know about Mike that N doesn't even know.  I know him better.     ALL of these thoughts came flooding through my head as I shut the door to my car.    I KNOW these are not important things, and going back there again they probably won't bother me.  But there is a first time for everything.  And for the first time I really felt the door closing.  It isn't propped open, it isn't cracked.... it is at that one point when it is closed and the little hitch has ALMOST clicked into the right spot.  Once we file our divorce papers that hitch will go in, and then once it is final the door will lock.    This is all a process.  It is like a million step program that I need to go through to let me mind, heart and soul heal!  

I can't say that I am in a rush to do that again.  Not that I wouldn't, but not in a rush. 

Mike.... if you read this... know that it may seem imaginable and I know people do not understand "us", but know that I love you more than anyone ever could.  I love you from the depth of my soul.  You gave me the biggest gift by making this decision.  You gave me the opportunity to be loved like I should and how I long to be.  This hasn't been easy for anyone, but I know that if the road gets bumpier or the waves get higher, you and I will make it through and will ALWAYS remain best friends!

It is time for the big D....

And for those of you who know me... I do NOT mean that in an inappropriate way.  (Although it is probably time for that too!) LOL!!  

It is divorce time.  Although not necessary as neither of us are rushing off to get marred, at least I am NOT.  And well... legally in California Mike can't, so he's SOL!  :)   This I am finding is necessary for my mental health!  I no longer have this evil plot in the back of my mind to win Mike back.  It was there for a while don't get me wrong.... but it has faded to just a slight desire to shank the other man!  LOL (TOTALLY KIDDING!)   We have agreed on pretty much anything you can agree on in this separation, and I am expecting that the divorce will be just about the same.  We are just going to a legal typist person who will type up what we want and submit it to the courts for us.  We will handle court appearances ourselves.  

I have dreaded this moment for a long time.  I am not sure why.... I guess to officially join "The First Wives Club"???  At least I have the happy thought that I wasn't left for a skinny hot 20 year old!  Is it better that he is a 40+ year old buffed out dude??  Probably not! :)  

I am sure once everything is final I will have a bit of a bad time, but I KNOW that this is for the best and that no matter what we will always have the boys best interests in mind.   I am hoping that if we file in the next 30 days that we will be OFFICIALLY divorced by the 2 year mark.  9/11/13.  We shall see!  

Damn you February 14th!

I have no idea what it is about that Hallmark, no good, shitty day of love we all (ladies) go crazy over!!  I warned Mike 4 days before that I probably wouldn't talk to him much that week, that it would put me in a bad place.  But even with the lack of conversation between us, the bad place came.  And it came with VENGEANCE!!!!  

You would think that as a mom, getting a cute little card from my boys and Mike of course got them presents to give me that I would be happy and peachy.... HELL NO... this day is about love... romantic love... and the fact that I don't have it made me feel like shit!    Then as my pity party hit the lowest of low someone whom I consider to be an amazing friend asked me how I was doing... then replied and I QUOTE "OMG Tiffany snap the fuck outta it, don't let it control you, you get yourself worked up over bullshit.  Its not attractive to anyone when your like this.  Just pick your head up. Its just another day."   MEAN right???  But it really IS exactly what I needed to hear.   

I woke up the next morning, eyes almost swollen shut, but a new perspective on life.  I am a good woman. I know I am.  I deserve much more than what I had.  I deserve someone who thinks of me more than I think about them.  Who can't wait to spend time with me.  Who loves the fact that I am an awesome mom to my boys.  Who loves my mind, heart, and body.  He's out there somewhere....    I know he is. 


(Yes this is the 2nd Post about Vday.... but I had to put in what helped me snap out of it)

I made it through.....

I can officially say I made it through Valentines Day.  Yes I know it is a made up full of shit "holiday" but I swear to you it gets me in the lowest of funks!  

I was good until about 1:15pm.  My boys had given me their card and chocolates and a candle (so sweet, Thanks Mike) and then a friend of the family dropped off a vase of tulips from the "boys".   Then a comment made by a friend threw me for a loop.  I am going to paraphrase, but basically they said "why do people care so much about this damn day, if you get someone who shows you love the other 364 days a year why does this day fucking matter".   And while I agree with that statement 100%..... I sat there thinking, what would I give to have someone to show me love the other 364 days a year.   And it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was a mess for the rest of the day.  

People may not understand why today makes such a big impact on me.  But this is a day I live for... not for what I can get.... but for what I can GIVE.  I have so much love to give, and so many ways to express it.  Crafty, handmade, thoughtful things that I would give anything to be able to do for someone I love.  I say on "this day" because on any other day some things may seem overboard.   I don't really care about the flowers and candy and dinners etc.  I care about the person who goes to the store and spends an hour trying to find the perfect card.  Because that is the type of person I AM.     

Then as I see Mike happy and in love in his relationship, it takes that hammer to my heart a little more and I wonder why.....  It seems it is a 3 steps forward 2 steps back on days like this.   I am definitely looking forward to the day where I don't care about his relationship and how happy he is.   I deserve the happiness and bliss in a relationship.  I deserve someone to tell me they love me and want to spend their life with me.  But until the right person comes around, I will have to deal with my issues as they come. 

Anyway... I survived....  a little puffy eyed and blah... but I made it through.  Maybe next year will be different.  

Growing Up....

I actually wrote about this a few weeks ago, but somehow deleted it!  OOPS!!!  

I held Levi the other night while he was getting sleepy and ready to go to sleep.  He started asking for daddy.  I just hugged him and kissed him and told him he would see daddy in the morning.  After he went to sleep that night, I cried... I cried hard.  My baby boy will never know what it is like to have daddy at home at night like the other boys did.  He was only 8 months old when Mike left.  He will never remember US as a family. 

Then over the next few days I started to think.  Which is better.  For Levi not to know what it is like to have his family "complete", or for my older boys to MISS having a "complete" family?   There are many times one of my boys will ask for their dad, and flat out say I want daddy to live her with us.  And it is a hard realization that there is NOTHING I can do to help them with that matter.  There is nothing I can say, do, create, manage to help with that.  And sadly there is nothing that I have done that made the situation what it is.  Yet I have to deal with the results.  It is a VERY frustrating position to be in.  

I will say of course that it isn't like they do not SEE their dad.  On a typical week the only day they DO NOT see their dad is Fridays, and the only day they do not see me is Sunday.  We have a GREAT schedule and it works for Mike and I as well as for the kids.  The boys spend Saturday morning until Monday morning with their dad.  Then they are with me Monday until Saturday morning.  Tuesday - Thursday Mike comes to our house and feeds them breakfast and gets them ready and takes them to school.  It is an ideal situation for us, it works for our work schedules and it is a benefit to our kids that they have both parents in their lives on a consistent basis.  

Our family is unique, it is anything but typical.  And yet it works for us.  I just hope that we are able to show our kids that growing up with a unique family isn't any different.... we are still a family. 

The other man.....

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier or harder if Mike would have left me for another woman.  They are such totally different scenarios and I am still not sure which would be better. 

16 months ago, I couldn't imagine being in the same room as him.... Didn't want to look at the bastard, didn't want him around my boys, didn't want him to live to be quite honest.   And although I cannot say time has healed everything, it has healed my mental state in that I know that everything that transpired between us was done out of love.  Love for the same person.  It seems sick and twisted to write it out like that.  But I flew off the handle at him because well shit, he was after my husband (or had my husband, don't know how to word that) and he fought back, because he genuinely cared about him as well.    I am in NO WAY defending the ugly words he spoke to me.  He was an ass, but eventually apologized. 

The first time we met in person was a crazy night.  I received a text from one of Mike's co-workers.  Mike was injured and being transported to the hospital via ambulance.  My immediate response was to get someone to watch the boys and head to the hospital.  I spent a few minutes alone with him, then in HE came.  He wouldn't look me in the face, just stood there talking to Mike like I didn't exist.  I finally spoke up and introduced myself.... he shook my hand and glanced up... that was it!     The nurse came and I filled out this paperwork for him   Legally still his wife, I am responsible for this stuff.  When they asked for an emergency contact, Mike immediately spoke up and made me put his boyfriends name.  It KILLED my heart.  They the nurse asked for me to write down the relationship to the patient.  I looked up at her and said "really?"  Like are you fucking kidding me?  Isn't it obvious.   So I wrote down boyfriends, she looked at me in shock and walked away.  For the next 30 minutes every nurse, orderly and worker in the hospital walked by Mike's bed gawking at us.  It was insane.  I eventually left, and sad to say that Mike received really shitty service that day. 

All in all over the last year and almost a half.  I have really only seen him on a few occasions, but I will say this.  He makes Mike happy.  He is nice to my kids.  His family is great to my kids.  And honestly what more can I ask for.  As long as he doesn't hurt Mike or my babies, I'm cool.  He said his peace, I have said mine.  We have talked about getting together on occasion, that has yet to happen, because lets face it... AWKWARD!!   But I am willing to do that, because Mike is my best friend. 

The point of this post is this.  Was he an ass, yes.  Did he make me feel like shit, yes.  But whats said is said, and what is done is done.  We are moving on with our lives, and doing the best to make our lives the best they can be. 

Can I Sit There....

This morning I had one of those moments of not embarrassment but of "duh...babble babble..."

My oldest son was receiving an award at school.  So his dad and I met at the auditorium and were sitting together waiting for it to start.  Mike got up to use the restroom and I sat their waiting, just looking at social media on my phone.    A lady came up to me and asked if she could sit next to me...  my response was like this....  "uh... well.... my... well my.... ex... well.... my sons dad is sitting there"   I felt so dumb!   When he returned I was laughing to myself and he got a good laugh out of the thing as well.   I told him from now on I will just use the term "baby daddy".    It is a small joke with us, because when I call or text his phone "baby mama" comes up!  

Things like this will continue to come up in our lives.  People will ask if he is my husband, or if I am his wife.  People will want to know things that are none of their business, but I know this.  He and I are friends and will be able to laugh off all this silliness that comes our way in the future! 

It has been a while....

It has been a while since I have posted/blogged.  Part of it was I couldn't remember how!! LOL!

Well now it is 2013, Happy New Year.... and here is to Happiness in 2013! 


I am just going to write briefly on what my goals are for this year.  Not resolutions, not promises, but just goals, things I have my mind on that I wish to accomplish this year.

#1 - Get divorced.  Yes we are still married and not really sure why, just haven't taken the time to do any paperwork, and it has worked for us so far, but we both know it needs to happen.

#2 - Get healthier.  No, not loose a million pounds and starve myself, just be healthier, mind, body and spirit.  In the month of January, I am choosing to drink more water and keeping a log of how much I am drinking.  Next month I will pick another healthy change in my life.

#3 - Spend more time WITH my kiddos instead of around them.  I need to spend less time on useless things like social media and tv and spend quality time with my kids.  My life is consumed with work, cleaning, dinner, homework, laundry, making lunches etc that when I have "free" time at night, all I want to do is veg out.... but I need to choose to use that time to play a game with my kids, lay down and cuddle with them and watch a movie, read a book etc.  They are only young once, I don't want to miss out on anything.

#4 - I want to do at least 3 5k's, 1 10k, 1 mud run and another shot at the Nike Women's 1/2 Marathon this year.  

#5 - Live my life to make myself proud in all I do.  As a woman, a mom, a sister, a daughter, an employee, a friend.  

I wish the whole 4 people that read this the Happiest of Happiest New Year!

T