For the last month or so I have been wanting a tattoo put on my forearm that simply says "I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it!"
And I thought I was strong, very strong... until I heard the words from Levi's doctor "We need to rule out leukemia". Those are the words I heard yesterday 7/15/13 at approximately 4:30pm.... they were the most heart breaking words I have ever heard in my life.
Back step.... About 3 months ago Mike mentioned to me about a lump in Levi's chest, you could feel it but not see it. It didn't seem to bother him, so we just kind of forgot about it. Then a N's sister, a nurse of 20 years, felt it... and was concerned, said he should have it checked out soon. So the next day we were off to the doctor. At first I didn't think too much of it, of course no one ever wants to think the worst when it comes to the well being of their child. But the look in the doctors face when he felt his chest... and when he hesitated my heart sank. When he said the words my eyes welled up with tears... this cannot be happening. I sent Mike a text message and I was freaking out. HOW could this be happening. My mind was racing, my tears would not stop. Then it was off to the xray lab.... they made me hold his arms up while they put this tube around him and it seemed like forever. He was crying and begging to hold me (which is what he says when he wants me to pick him up). THEN it was off to the blood lab, and anyone knows that this isn't pleasant for adults, much less a 2 1/2 year old. They tried his left arm first, and they blew a vein... so then of course he was screaming like crazy and we had to hold him down while they tried the right arm. He just kept crying help me mommy, help me..... it hurts it hurts.... My heart felt like it was going to explode. I just kept telling him "your ok baby... you are so strong.... mommy is here.... I love you so much"
I don't know who was more traumatized me or him. By the time we got to the car, he was drained and ready to go to sleep, I was still crying and not sure what to do. It was waiting time. Wait for how long? Who knew!
I feel bad because I tried to keep it together when I got home with the boys.... I tried to be interested in how their weekend was, what they did for the day, but all I wanted to do was hold Levi. I only let the people closest to me know exactly what was going on, it wasn't something I wanted blasted all over social media, or my phone blowing up with texts and phone calls. I just wanted time to process what could be my worst nightmare.
After about 9pm I gave up hope of hearing from the doctor, once I got the kids to bed I tried to sleep. I spent a lot of time trying to clear my head, think of something other than this crazy day. Didn't work too well, but did manage to fall asleep probably close to 1am.
When my alarm went off at 5:20, I just kept hitting snooze, I wasn't planning on going to work until I heard from the doctor. How can I go act like nothing is happening. So I waited..... Mike came and took the 3 boys to their daily stops... and I waited. Once 8:30am came I was already anxious so I called. Of course the only option was to send a message to my doctor. They did tell me that they knew they were still waiting on the blood work. So my options were to continue to wait or go about my day. So I took Levi to his papa's house and I went off to work.
Into my office, door shut... tying not to speak to anyone so I would breakdown into an emotional mess. Then as people came in to ask questions I get the look of "wow you look like crap" but the sympathetic question of "are you ok?" And of course my answer is no, and the tears flow! Every time my phone rang I thought it was the doctor... and was angry when it wasn't. I'm sorry google I don't want to talk to you about advertising for my business right this second!
Finally the number for the doctor came up.... "hello.... Mrs. Craven how are you?.... I'm ok..... You are not worried are you? ..... of course I am worried.... There is no need to be Mrs. Craven, lets go over what we see...."
My baby is OK!!!!! His blood levels came back fine. He had one level that was a bit elevated, and they said that could be from a recent virus... If he did have one, it was barely noticeable. X-ray came back clear, nothing abnormal. So what is the bump in his chest... we don't know at this time. We will continue to watch it and see if there is any changes. Next step would be maybe an ultrasound.... but for now my baby is healthy. 38" Tall, 30.4 pounds, talkative, handsome, smart, funny, crazy boy!!
I don't know if my heart and/or mind will ever recover from the last 24 hours, but as long as my babies are healthy and happy I am ok. Someone made a comment to me today. "When all of this comes out ok, your going to realize that all the crazy stuff you stress about is nothing" And that is sooooo true. My life is complete as long as my boys are in it.
