And for those of you who know me... I do NOT mean that in an inappropriate way. (Although it is probably time for that too!) LOL!!
It is divorce time. Although not necessary as neither of us are rushing off to get marred, at least I am NOT. And well... legally in California Mike can't, so he's SOL! :) This I am finding is necessary for my mental health! I no longer have this evil plot in the back of my mind to win Mike back. It was there for a while don't get me wrong.... but it has faded to just a slight desire to shank the other man! LOL (TOTALLY KIDDING!) We have agreed on pretty much anything you can agree on in this separation, and I am expecting that the divorce will be just about the same. We are just going to a legal typist person who will type up what we want and submit it to the courts for us. We will handle court appearances ourselves.
I have dreaded this moment for a long time. I am not sure why.... I guess to officially join "The First Wives Club"??? At least I have the happy thought that I wasn't left for a skinny hot 20 year old! Is it better that he is a 40+ year old buffed out dude?? Probably not! :)
I am sure once everything is final I will have a bit of a bad time, but I KNOW that this is for the best and that no matter what we will always have the boys best interests in mind. I am hoping that if we file in the next 30 days that we will be OFFICIALLY divorced by the 2 year mark. 9/11/13. We shall see!
Monday, February 25, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Damn you February 14th!
I have no idea what it is about that Hallmark, no good, shitty day of love we all (ladies) go crazy over!! I warned Mike 4 days before that I probably wouldn't talk to him much that week, that it would put me in a bad place. But even with the lack of conversation between us, the bad place came. And it came with VENGEANCE!!!!
You would think that as a mom, getting a cute little card from my boys and Mike of course got them presents to give me that I would be happy and peachy.... HELL NO... this day is about love... romantic love... and the fact that I don't have it made me feel like shit! Then as my pity party hit the lowest of low someone whom I consider to be an amazing friend asked me how I was doing... then replied and I QUOTE "OMG Tiffany snap the fuck outta it, don't let it control you, you get yourself worked up over bullshit. Its not attractive to anyone when your like this. Just pick your head up. Its just another day." MEAN right??? But it really IS exactly what I needed to hear.
I woke up the next morning, eyes almost swollen shut, but a new perspective on life. I am a good woman. I know I am. I deserve much more than what I had. I deserve someone who thinks of me more than I think about them. Who can't wait to spend time with me. Who loves the fact that I am an awesome mom to my boys. Who loves my mind, heart, and body. He's out there somewhere.... I know he is.
(Yes this is the 2nd Post about Vday.... but I had to put in what helped me snap out of it)
You would think that as a mom, getting a cute little card from my boys and Mike of course got them presents to give me that I would be happy and peachy.... HELL NO... this day is about love... romantic love... and the fact that I don't have it made me feel like shit! Then as my pity party hit the lowest of low someone whom I consider to be an amazing friend asked me how I was doing... then replied and I QUOTE "OMG Tiffany snap the fuck outta it, don't let it control you, you get yourself worked up over bullshit. Its not attractive to anyone when your like this. Just pick your head up. Its just another day." MEAN right??? But it really IS exactly what I needed to hear.
I woke up the next morning, eyes almost swollen shut, but a new perspective on life. I am a good woman. I know I am. I deserve much more than what I had. I deserve someone who thinks of me more than I think about them. Who can't wait to spend time with me. Who loves the fact that I am an awesome mom to my boys. Who loves my mind, heart, and body. He's out there somewhere.... I know he is.
(Yes this is the 2nd Post about Vday.... but I had to put in what helped me snap out of it)
Friday, February 15, 2013
I made it through.....
I can officially say I made it through Valentines Day. Yes I know it is a made up full of shit "holiday" but I swear to you it gets me in the lowest of funks!
I was good until about 1:15pm. My boys had given me their card and chocolates and a candle (so sweet, Thanks Mike) and then a friend of the family dropped off a vase of tulips from the "boys". Then a comment made by a friend threw me for a loop. I am going to paraphrase, but basically they said "why do people care so much about this damn day, if you get someone who shows you love the other 364 days a year why does this day fucking matter". And while I agree with that statement 100%..... I sat there thinking, what would I give to have someone to show me love the other 364 days a year. And it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was a mess for the rest of the day.
People may not understand why today makes such a big impact on me. But this is a day I live for... not for what I can get.... but for what I can GIVE. I have so much love to give, and so many ways to express it. Crafty, handmade, thoughtful things that I would give anything to be able to do for someone I love. I say on "this day" because on any other day some things may seem overboard. I don't really care about the flowers and candy and dinners etc. I care about the person who goes to the store and spends an hour trying to find the perfect card. Because that is the type of person I AM.
Then as I see Mike happy and in love in his relationship, it takes that hammer to my heart a little more and I wonder why..... It seems it is a 3 steps forward 2 steps back on days like this. I am definitely looking forward to the day where I don't care about his relationship and how happy he is. I deserve the happiness and bliss in a relationship. I deserve someone to tell me they love me and want to spend their life with me. But until the right person comes around, I will have to deal with my issues as they come.
Anyway... I survived.... a little puffy eyed and blah... but I made it through. Maybe next year will be different.
I was good until about 1:15pm. My boys had given me their card and chocolates and a candle (so sweet, Thanks Mike) and then a friend of the family dropped off a vase of tulips from the "boys". Then a comment made by a friend threw me for a loop. I am going to paraphrase, but basically they said "why do people care so much about this damn day, if you get someone who shows you love the other 364 days a year why does this day fucking matter". And while I agree with that statement 100%..... I sat there thinking, what would I give to have someone to show me love the other 364 days a year. And it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was a mess for the rest of the day.
People may not understand why today makes such a big impact on me. But this is a day I live for... not for what I can get.... but for what I can GIVE. I have so much love to give, and so many ways to express it. Crafty, handmade, thoughtful things that I would give anything to be able to do for someone I love. I say on "this day" because on any other day some things may seem overboard. I don't really care about the flowers and candy and dinners etc. I care about the person who goes to the store and spends an hour trying to find the perfect card. Because that is the type of person I AM.
Then as I see Mike happy and in love in his relationship, it takes that hammer to my heart a little more and I wonder why..... It seems it is a 3 steps forward 2 steps back on days like this. I am definitely looking forward to the day where I don't care about his relationship and how happy he is. I deserve the happiness and bliss in a relationship. I deserve someone to tell me they love me and want to spend their life with me. But until the right person comes around, I will have to deal with my issues as they come.
Anyway... I survived.... a little puffy eyed and blah... but I made it through. Maybe next year will be different.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Growing Up....
I actually wrote about this a few weeks ago, but somehow deleted it! OOPS!!!
I held Levi the other night while he was getting sleepy and ready to go to sleep. He started asking for daddy. I just hugged him and kissed him and told him he would see daddy in the morning. After he went to sleep that night, I cried... I cried hard. My baby boy will never know what it is like to have daddy at home at night like the other boys did. He was only 8 months old when Mike left. He will never remember US as a family.
Then over the next few days I started to think. Which is better. For Levi not to know what it is like to have his family "complete", or for my older boys to MISS having a "complete" family? There are many times one of my boys will ask for their dad, and flat out say I want daddy to live her with us. And it is a hard realization that there is NOTHING I can do to help them with that matter. There is nothing I can say, do, create, manage to help with that. And sadly there is nothing that I have done that made the situation what it is. Yet I have to deal with the results. It is a VERY frustrating position to be in.
I will say of course that it isn't like they do not SEE their dad. On a typical week the only day they DO NOT see their dad is Fridays, and the only day they do not see me is Sunday. We have a GREAT schedule and it works for Mike and I as well as for the kids. The boys spend Saturday morning until Monday morning with their dad. Then they are with me Monday until Saturday morning. Tuesday - Thursday Mike comes to our house and feeds them breakfast and gets them ready and takes them to school. It is an ideal situation for us, it works for our work schedules and it is a benefit to our kids that they have both parents in their lives on a consistent basis.
Our family is unique, it is anything but typical. And yet it works for us. I just hope that we are able to show our kids that growing up with a unique family isn't any different.... we are still a family.
I held Levi the other night while he was getting sleepy and ready to go to sleep. He started asking for daddy. I just hugged him and kissed him and told him he would see daddy in the morning. After he went to sleep that night, I cried... I cried hard. My baby boy will never know what it is like to have daddy at home at night like the other boys did. He was only 8 months old when Mike left. He will never remember US as a family.
Then over the next few days I started to think. Which is better. For Levi not to know what it is like to have his family "complete", or for my older boys to MISS having a "complete" family? There are many times one of my boys will ask for their dad, and flat out say I want daddy to live her with us. And it is a hard realization that there is NOTHING I can do to help them with that matter. There is nothing I can say, do, create, manage to help with that. And sadly there is nothing that I have done that made the situation what it is. Yet I have to deal with the results. It is a VERY frustrating position to be in.
I will say of course that it isn't like they do not SEE their dad. On a typical week the only day they DO NOT see their dad is Fridays, and the only day they do not see me is Sunday. We have a GREAT schedule and it works for Mike and I as well as for the kids. The boys spend Saturday morning until Monday morning with their dad. Then they are with me Monday until Saturday morning. Tuesday - Thursday Mike comes to our house and feeds them breakfast and gets them ready and takes them to school. It is an ideal situation for us, it works for our work schedules and it is a benefit to our kids that they have both parents in their lives on a consistent basis.
Our family is unique, it is anything but typical. And yet it works for us. I just hope that we are able to show our kids that growing up with a unique family isn't any different.... we are still a family.
Friday, February 8, 2013
The other man.....
Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier or harder if Mike would have left me for another woman. They are such totally different scenarios and I am still not sure which would be better.
16 months ago, I couldn't imagine being in the same room as him.... Didn't want to look at the bastard, didn't want him around my boys, didn't want him to live to be quite honest. And although I cannot say time has healed everything, it has healed my mental state in that I know that everything that transpired between us was done out of love. Love for the same person. It seems sick and twisted to write it out like that. But I flew off the handle at him because well shit, he was after my husband (or had my husband, don't know how to word that) and he fought back, because he genuinely cared about him as well. I am in NO WAY defending the ugly words he spoke to me. He was an ass, but eventually apologized.
The first time we met in person was a crazy night. I received a text from one of Mike's co-workers. Mike was injured and being transported to the hospital via ambulance. My immediate response was to get someone to watch the boys and head to the hospital. I spent a few minutes alone with him, then in HE came. He wouldn't look me in the face, just stood there talking to Mike like I didn't exist. I finally spoke up and introduced myself.... he shook my hand and glanced up... that was it! The nurse came and I filled out this paperwork for him Legally still his wife, I am responsible for this stuff. When they asked for an emergency contact, Mike immediately spoke up and made me put his boyfriends name. It KILLED my heart. They the nurse asked for me to write down the relationship to the patient. I looked up at her and said "really?" Like are you fucking kidding me? Isn't it obvious. So I wrote down boyfriends, she looked at me in shock and walked away. For the next 30 minutes every nurse, orderly and worker in the hospital walked by Mike's bed gawking at us. It was insane. I eventually left, and sad to say that Mike received really shitty service that day.
All in all over the last year and almost a half. I have really only seen him on a few occasions, but I will say this. He makes Mike happy. He is nice to my kids. His family is great to my kids. And honestly what more can I ask for. As long as he doesn't hurt Mike or my babies, I'm cool. He said his peace, I have said mine. We have talked about getting together on occasion, that has yet to happen, because lets face it... AWKWARD!! But I am willing to do that, because Mike is my best friend.
The point of this post is this. Was he an ass, yes. Did he make me feel like shit, yes. But whats said is said, and what is done is done. We are moving on with our lives, and doing the best to make our lives the best they can be.
16 months ago, I couldn't imagine being in the same room as him.... Didn't want to look at the bastard, didn't want him around my boys, didn't want him to live to be quite honest. And although I cannot say time has healed everything, it has healed my mental state in that I know that everything that transpired between us was done out of love. Love for the same person. It seems sick and twisted to write it out like that. But I flew off the handle at him because well shit, he was after my husband (or had my husband, don't know how to word that) and he fought back, because he genuinely cared about him as well. I am in NO WAY defending the ugly words he spoke to me. He was an ass, but eventually apologized.
The first time we met in person was a crazy night. I received a text from one of Mike's co-workers. Mike was injured and being transported to the hospital via ambulance. My immediate response was to get someone to watch the boys and head to the hospital. I spent a few minutes alone with him, then in HE came. He wouldn't look me in the face, just stood there talking to Mike like I didn't exist. I finally spoke up and introduced myself.... he shook my hand and glanced up... that was it! The nurse came and I filled out this paperwork for him Legally still his wife, I am responsible for this stuff. When they asked for an emergency contact, Mike immediately spoke up and made me put his boyfriends name. It KILLED my heart. They the nurse asked for me to write down the relationship to the patient. I looked up at her and said "really?" Like are you fucking kidding me? Isn't it obvious. So I wrote down boyfriends, she looked at me in shock and walked away. For the next 30 minutes every nurse, orderly and worker in the hospital walked by Mike's bed gawking at us. It was insane. I eventually left, and sad to say that Mike received really shitty service that day.
All in all over the last year and almost a half. I have really only seen him on a few occasions, but I will say this. He makes Mike happy. He is nice to my kids. His family is great to my kids. And honestly what more can I ask for. As long as he doesn't hurt Mike or my babies, I'm cool. He said his peace, I have said mine. We have talked about getting together on occasion, that has yet to happen, because lets face it... AWKWARD!! But I am willing to do that, because Mike is my best friend.
The point of this post is this. Was he an ass, yes. Did he make me feel like shit, yes. But whats said is said, and what is done is done. We are moving on with our lives, and doing the best to make our lives the best they can be.
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