One of the biggest questions I get asked when someone hears about my marriage with Mike is "Did you know?"
When Mike and I met, we met at church. I was 24 years old, as a matter of fact, so was he... we have the SAME birthday, we were born 13 minutes apart from each other. (Fate right?)
Both of us had been really involved in church. I was a graduate of bible school, he was IN bible school at the time. Throughout our lives in and out of church you are taught and made to understand that being gay is wrong. When we first began to date, one of the serious conversations we had was him letting me know that he had lived "that lifestyle" before coming back to God. As a christian you are raised to believe that being gay is a sin, that it is sin in your life, that you are NOT born that way and that it is a choice. So as believers, not thinking on our own. WE believed that Mike had been "delivered" from that sinful life. I mean he was in bible school, working with youth, praying for people, he loved me... there was NO way he could still be gay. He was free from that life.
(As all of this has come to light I believe that there is no "Healing" from being gay. And it sounds like a "well duh" moment. But when you are raised to believe something, it is hard to come out of that mind set.)
I know looking in Mike's eyes now... seeing the love he has for me and the pain he feels for hurting me that if he COULD change the way he felt at this time he WOULD. He would give anything to have his "family" back. Who would choose to leave a faithful devoted woman, and his 4 kids? That night when everything came to a head, was his time to choose. Should he choose to continue living this life that he was used to, having no desire for his wife, "faking" the romance.... hurting me? Or should he come clean, and let me go to hopefully find someone who could give me the love I deserve. Ultimately he decided the better thing to do was to STOP hurting me.... of course the hurt lingered... but what would be better. Staying with me until the kids were 18 and out on their own, THEN saying I don't want to do this anymore?? Or is it better for him to suck it up now and let me hurt for a season, then hopefully find that man who could love me more than he could?
I commend Mike on being man enough to do that. It seems weird to people for me to say that and to defend him. I am not saying that his actions didn't hurt, and the way that it came about was right. It was bad... really bad. But ultimately I smile more now, I laugh more now. Sure I have my pity parties and I feel defeated and alone. BUT deep down I know that this was for the best.
I will say it over and over day after day. I love this man. I would do anything for him. He is my best friend. He is my family, always will be. Most people, family, friends, they have a hard time understanding how and why I love him. I love him NOT only as the father of my children. I love him for the man he is. Do I have that romantic love for him anymore? Not a bit of it. But he is my friend, he is the person I go to when I have a bad day. We are able to maintain this friendship and love for each other without the marriage. We do it not only for our boys, but for ourselves.
So in answer to the BIG question... did I KNOW? Yes I did. Am I sad that things ended the way they did... yes. Do I regret it? Not at all. I got the best of both worlds.... I have an amazing man in my life who will always have my back. And I have 4 of the most amazingly handsome, sweet, smart, loving children in the world!! The 13/14 years that Mike and I spent together developed us both into the people we are today. To the parents we are, to the man and woman that can keep our heads up knowing that what we are doing together is raising strong, happy, healthy boys to be amazing men.
Hoping that my random thoughts are not boring anyone.... thanks for reading.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
So here starts my journey... my venting spot... and hopefully my encouragement to those who may be in my (our) situation. My name is Tiffany. I am 37 years old, mother to 4 amazing boys. Caleb is 8, Jonah is 4, Zechariah is 3 and Levi is 16 months. I have been married for 10 years to my best friend Mike. We do not have a typical "happy" ending. Our marriage will not make it to 11 years, but our friendship will make it for as long as we breathe.
This blog is meant to be a resource, an encouragement, a hope for anyone that might be going through the same changes in their life that I am.
On May 4, 2002 I married Mike, on September 11 2011 I picked up his cell phone as he slept, and as the text messages rolled in, I began to read them, and then I began to respond to them. And from there I knew.... my husband was in a relationship with another man. I read these text messages that read "I miss being with you", "when will we be together again" at first as I typed, I responded like I was Mike.... then as I began to hurt I was fed up, and jumped on Facebook and messaged this guy personally. And the words that followed cut me like no other. "You are fat and I can't believe he stayed with you as long as he has", it went on and on how I was ugly and unwanted, and the only reason he has stayed with me this long is because of the kids. Those words hurt me so bad. I mean I knew our marriage wasn't perfect. But we were always pretty honest. We struggled in our sexual relationship... but obviously it existed I mean we had 4 kids!! That night seemed to last forever. I remember throwing my phone at Mike, telling him to wake his ass up, it's DONE, the cat is out of the bag, pack your bags.... I am sure I said quite a few choice words that night. Quietly enough not to wake the kids of course! The entire night, and day we stared at each other. I don't think either of us knew what to do. WE LOVE EACH OTHER!! But our "love" was the love of our friendship... not a marriage type love. Believe me this isn't something I knew then.... I mean How... how can this man who I have 4 children with be gay? What did I do? What should I have done? How did I cause this? Why wasn't I good enough? Did I always know? Why me? What are my kids going to think? What are my friends going to think? Are my boys gay? I didn't want to be "THAT" woman. The one that her husband left her for a MAN!! Who would want me now? I think I cried for at least 2 weeks straight! Thank goodness I worked for my best friends husband. He knew what was going on, and left me alone as I sat in my office and cried for hours on end. I remember leaving early the day he moved his things out of our house. I sat in my car a block a way and watched him move his clothes out of the house. I remember calling him and asking him to meet me to talk... and BEGGING him to come back. What was I going to do without him. How was I going to manage. I work full time, I run my own photography business. I have 4 kids... our youngest was less than 9 months old at the time. I was at the end of my training to run my first half marathon!! HOW... how was I going to manage without my husband... my best friend?
MY life was in shambles... I was lost... I was scared... (still am actually!) But with Mike's encouragement, I am starting this blog... do I know what I am doing... NOPE!!! But I am hoping some of the stories we might have to share, may bring light to a dark situation. I have looked and looked for resources to help me cope with this. There are not many for this situation! From what I hear from people, the situation is more common than most people know. And I believe that a lot of women who may be in my shoes, may be too scared or embarrassed to share what they are going through. I am not embarrassed any more. I am proud of myself... the mom I am, the friend I am and the wife that I was. SO here is the beginning... how it will continue, I have no clue. But you have to start somewhere right?
This blog is meant to be a resource, an encouragement, a hope for anyone that might be going through the same changes in their life that I am.
On May 4, 2002 I married Mike, on September 11 2011 I picked up his cell phone as he slept, and as the text messages rolled in, I began to read them, and then I began to respond to them. And from there I knew.... my husband was in a relationship with another man. I read these text messages that read "I miss being with you", "when will we be together again" at first as I typed, I responded like I was Mike.... then as I began to hurt I was fed up, and jumped on Facebook and messaged this guy personally. And the words that followed cut me like no other. "You are fat and I can't believe he stayed with you as long as he has", it went on and on how I was ugly and unwanted, and the only reason he has stayed with me this long is because of the kids. Those words hurt me so bad. I mean I knew our marriage wasn't perfect. But we were always pretty honest. We struggled in our sexual relationship... but obviously it existed I mean we had 4 kids!! That night seemed to last forever. I remember throwing my phone at Mike, telling him to wake his ass up, it's DONE, the cat is out of the bag, pack your bags.... I am sure I said quite a few choice words that night. Quietly enough not to wake the kids of course! The entire night, and day we stared at each other. I don't think either of us knew what to do. WE LOVE EACH OTHER!! But our "love" was the love of our friendship... not a marriage type love. Believe me this isn't something I knew then.... I mean How... how can this man who I have 4 children with be gay? What did I do? What should I have done? How did I cause this? Why wasn't I good enough? Did I always know? Why me? What are my kids going to think? What are my friends going to think? Are my boys gay? I didn't want to be "THAT" woman. The one that her husband left her for a MAN!! Who would want me now? I think I cried for at least 2 weeks straight! Thank goodness I worked for my best friends husband. He knew what was going on, and left me alone as I sat in my office and cried for hours on end. I remember leaving early the day he moved his things out of our house. I sat in my car a block a way and watched him move his clothes out of the house. I remember calling him and asking him to meet me to talk... and BEGGING him to come back. What was I going to do without him. How was I going to manage. I work full time, I run my own photography business. I have 4 kids... our youngest was less than 9 months old at the time. I was at the end of my training to run my first half marathon!! HOW... how was I going to manage without my husband... my best friend?
MY life was in shambles... I was lost... I was scared... (still am actually!) But with Mike's encouragement, I am starting this blog... do I know what I am doing... NOPE!!! But I am hoping some of the stories we might have to share, may bring light to a dark situation. I have looked and looked for resources to help me cope with this. There are not many for this situation! From what I hear from people, the situation is more common than most people know. And I believe that a lot of women who may be in my shoes, may be too scared or embarrassed to share what they are going through. I am not embarrassed any more. I am proud of myself... the mom I am, the friend I am and the wife that I was. SO here is the beginning... how it will continue, I have no clue. But you have to start somewhere right?
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