The you that you won't apologize for? The good, the bad, the fabulous and the ugly? Recently the boys and I ventured into the garage for a complete day of cleaning the crap out. In the process I found a box, this box held every letter, card, note, memento that Mike had ever given me over the years of dating, engagement and marriage. I was ready to toss it, but Caleb wanted to keep it, so I let him. I think it is a positive thing for him to see and know that what we had was real and loving at one point. But back to the point....
In this box there was an envelope, the outside just says "Do not open until the ring is on the finger". This is a letter/list of things I wanted in a husband that I had written years before I had met Mike. Once we were engaged, I found the envelope and opened it.
I tried to justify everything that Mike wasn't. Everything that I insisted that I wanted that didn't exist in what we had. Why? Because I loved him. Because he was the one God brought to me. When I stopped searching he was the one who walked in and showed me the love I thought I wanted and needed. Maybe God knew better than I did.
I still don't know the answers to that. I know that at one day and point we loved each other. And we had a friendship that is still intact to this day. But there was always something missing.... for him, I was missing ... well... a penis... (lol). For me it wasn't a look or a body part, it was commonality. If anyone knows me, you know I love sports, and that was something on my list. Must love sports. Anyone know knows Mike, knows that isn't there. I wanted the touchy affectionate person who wasn't afraid to hug me, or kiss me, or hold my hand in public. That was never the case, and honestly what we fought most about. He would walk 3 steps ahead of me on most days.
Now don't get me wrong. We had things in common, and that is why we lasted the 10+ years we had together. But each of us sacrafised things we genuinely desired in someone for the sake of getting married, then for the sake of our children. I allowed myself to become as much as the person he wanted as I could. And at the same time pieces of me began to die. Allowing what someone else wanted me to be to take over. I wasn't me anymore.
Over the last 8+ years that I have been just me.... I have allowed those things to live in me again. To not settle for anything less than what I want. To not allow myself to not be who I am, or accept things in someone that I know in my heart are not good for me, just for the sake of a relationship.
Last weekend I went out with a man (we have known each other for a long time and have dated off and on for years) and as we walked around Old Sac, he came up behind me in one of the stores and hugged me and kissed the back of my head. And that was a moment of realization to me. That what I want does exist. There is something in me that is desirable to some, and will this finally work out with this particular person, no clue. Day by day.... But it was an eye opening thing for me to know that not all is lost. I am allowed to be my true self, to be loud and needy sometimes. To not be perfect, but still lovable. My life is just beginning. The opportunities of love are still there, and so is the opportunity of having the love I want.
Yes I know his face is cropped out... it was on purpose. But HE said come here and take a pic.... He wanted to memorialize the day by taking a photo..... THIS is what I needed.... these are things I look for. It was a great day.....
