Before everyone loses their shit about the title..... These are MY thoughts. Things I need to process in my own mind and life.
I have been overweight more than half my life. I started high school thinking I was fat at 130 lbs. I was a cheerleader, athlete and was very active. Then one summer I got lazy and the weight started packing on. Even with the weight, I was still an athlete, my senior year I was still a cheerleader, but dated very little throughout high school.
In my early 20's I dropped some weight, then of course had a boyfriend, then got my heart broken, and the weight came back on.
Mid 20's, met my ex husband, dated, got engaged, dropped weight, got married, had baby #1 within 1 year of getting married, dropped all but 10 lbs pretty quick. (Not bad for being on bed rest for at least 3 months). Flash forward 4 years later, baby 2, 6 years baby 3 and 8 years baby 4. Although I cannot say I kept on baby weight, all of that usually went away pretty quick.
My weight was always thrown in my face by my ex. If you would only lose weight our marriage could be better. If you would look better I would be more attracted to you. I developed the worst self confidence anyone could possibly imagine. I since then have always had doubt on why anyone would want to be with me.
Eight years later I am still overweight. It is a battle I sometimes think I will never win. I take a selfie and think damn I am cute. Then I will see a picture someone else takes and I see what other people see. I see why I am single. I am pretty, I am smart, I am a great mom, I am a great friend. I dress nice, I am fun and social...but reality is I am fat. No guy wants the fat girl. (Disclaimer - it isn't that NO ONE has wanted to date me, but they tend to be the emotionally unavailable, live no where near me, or not single and I am picky)
Ok the reason for the post. I am really trying to gather myself and lose some weight. I know it is a process, I know that it takes time and commitment this isn't something I haven't dealt with before. But it is time for me to learn how to put myself first once and a while and do what is best for me. I am starting a six week challenge through a program done by an old friend of mine from Colorado. I will be held accountable for my food and checking in. I will be held accountable for my success and failure. I have a small window between baseball and basketball where I can mentally focus on myself just a little bit. So here I go. Do I need to be 130 lbs again? No, not even close to being my goal. I have simple goals, to see my collar bones again. To not have a double chin. To be able to rock heels and not feel like my ankles are going to break after an hour lol.
Why share this? Because it gives me more people to be accountable to. And also to say if you didn't like me when I was fat, you don't deserve me when I am not. Just saying! (kidding... kind of)
Regardless of how well or not so well I do. I mentally know I am still worthy of love regardless of how I look. I know that the "right" person is out there. I don't do this to land someone, I do this because I am not dumb and know that being physically attracted to someone is super important. I know if I FEELbetter, I will project how I am feeling in how I look. I know that any change I make to better my health is better for myself and for my boys. One day at a time.... one week at a time and hopefully one pound at a time (times like 80 lol).
Wednesday, July 31, 2019
Monday, July 22, 2019
FOUR years too many....
Not much has changed from the outside looking in. But coming up on the 8 year mark, I am still a single mom with four boys.
But I really believe the mom that I am, has developed even further. I no longer look to other people for acceptance, as a mom, friend, woman. I know who I am. I am proud of who I have become. I have found real friends who accept me, and are so much like me I can't believe I lived so many years without them.
I am happy to say I have been a "go to" to other women who are going through a similar situations that I have. This makes me exceptionally proud of myself. You would think that the trials that we experienced almost 8 years ago would be embarrassing or I would be discouraged and defeated. For a time they did. NOW, nope. I have learned so much from life, and being able to share that with women who feel that embarrassment or defeated feeling right now, and showing them that it isn't permanent, and it is an amazing feeling.
My boys... oh my boys. Caleb just turned 16. It scares the absolute crap out of me, but my goodness he is such a good kid. He has developed into being a smart ass like his mom, but in a good way! He has his high school struggles. Some with kids, mostly with grades. He has seem to have found his "people", in the show choir. He has so much fun, and does such an amazing job up on stage. I am beyond proud of him. His handsome face, and amazing smile is just the icing on the cake.
Jonah, my smarty pants boy, with his contagious smile. He is continuing his streak as an honor roll student. He has made honor roll every trimester for the last 3 years, and I have no doubt that will continue. He is almost as tall as me now, and sadly just as graceful lol! He has had 3 big injuries in the last year, mostly due to clumsiness or sports. He pushes himself daily to be a better athlete. He had an amazing baseballs season, including a broken elbow, but pushed through and played hard when he returned and made the All Start team for the second year in a row. A successful regular season team the Mets won the 2019 TOC Title, as well as the 12U All Start Team won the District 15 Champion Title as well.
Zechariah had a rough year in 4th grade due to a teacher who was retiring and just didn't give a crap. In turn it has effected his grades (which I am not mad at, he can't teach himself) but most of all it hurt his self confidence. He wanted to make honor roll so badly, and when "friends" did, and rubbed it in his face, and with a teacher who made him feel like he needed to be punished for it, it was defeating none the less. He did have a great baseball season as well, making the All Star team for the first time. His team the Yankees won their TOC Championships, and the 10U All Star Team won their District title. Zechariah has tuned into my lovey mommy boy. His smile when he looks at me, the love I see in his eyes for me, makes me understand that there is NOTHING more healing than a mommy who love and encourages her baby.
My baby boy Levi. Man is he a typical baby of the family. His beautiful face gets him away with so much. A major smarty pants in school. He won 2 awards for reading in 2nd grade, and achieved great marks on his report card as well as comments from his teachers. Baseball was good for him as well, he loves he game and played very well this year. He also made the Farm Future All Star game this year. He is hoping to learn how to pitch over the next few months so he can be a pitcher in minors next year.
I wish I could continue and say that I have met someone amazing who has changed my life. (I kind of thought I did, but it is what it is right?) Yeah not in the cards for me at this time. Although I will say this. I have always been told that I am too picky, that I need to lower my standards when it comes to the men I choose to date. How about NO. I am not picky, I just know the type of person that will compliment my life. The type of person who I would want to be a part of my children's lives. Not just anyone deserves to be a part of my life, or those of my boys. It will take an amazing person to be allowed that privilege. I know that I am not tall, or have an amazing body, or a stunning face. I know I am getting older and with that comes wrinkles and a little grey hair. But here is what I do have to offer the right person. Kindness, Caring, Faithfulness, Fun, Laughs, Smiles, Comfort, Support, and for the right person all the love that I can give I also have nice hair, great smile, and boobs so there is that! LOL And I know one day there will be someone who will appreciate that and cherish it.
Until then as always I will continue to be the best mom I can be. The one who is at every practice, game, lunch on the lawn, conference, assembly, performance. I will always be the mom who my boys can depend on, no matter what. There should never be a question in their minds if I will be there for them. That is the mom I choose to be! Every day ... not just for Facebook or Instagram. But EVER DAY OF THEIR LIVES! I want my boys to enjoy their childhood and have great memories of how they were raised.
Guess that is it for the comeback post.... hopefully I will have more fun stuff to share soon.
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