Nobody wants to date the fat girl....

Before everyone loses their shit about the title..... These are MY thoughts.  Things I  need to process in my own mind and life. 

I have been overweight more than half my life.   I started high school thinking I was fat at 130 lbs.  I  was a cheerleader, athlete and was very active.   Then one summer I got lazy and the weight started packing on.   Even with the weight, I was still an athlete, my senior year I was still a cheerleader, but dated very little throughout high school.  

In my early 20's I dropped some weight, then of course had a boyfriend, then got my heart broken, and the weight came back on. 

Mid 20's, met my ex husband, dated, got engaged, dropped weight, got married, had baby #1 within 1 year of getting married, dropped all but 10 lbs pretty quick.   (Not bad for being on bed rest for at least 3 months).   Flash forward 4 years later, baby 2, 6 years baby 3 and 8 years baby 4.   Although I cannot say I kept on baby weight, all of that usually went away pretty quick. 

My weight was always thrown in my face by my ex.  If you would only lose weight our marriage could be better.  If you would look better I would be more attracted to you.   I developed the worst self confidence anyone could possibly imagine.   I since then have always had doubt on why anyone would want to be with me.  

Eight years later I am still overweight.  It is a battle I sometimes think I will never win.   I take a selfie and think damn I am cute.  Then I will see a picture someone else takes and I see what other people see.   I  see why I am single.   I am pretty, I am smart, I  am a great mom, I am a great friend. I dress nice, I am fun and social...but reality is I am fat.   No guy wants the fat girl.    (Disclaimer - it isn't that NO ONE has wanted to date me,  but they tend to be the emotionally unavailable, live no where near me, or not single and I am picky)  

Ok the reason for the post.   I am really trying to gather myself and lose some weight.  I know it is a process, I know that it takes time and commitment this isn't something I haven't dealt with before.    But it is time for me to learn how to put myself first once and a while and do what is best for me.   I am starting a six week challenge through a program done by an old friend of mine from Colorado.   I will be held accountable for my food and checking in.  I will be held accountable for my success and failure.   I have a small window between baseball and basketball where I can mentally focus on myself just a little bit.   So here I go.   Do I need to be 130 lbs again? No, not even close to being my goal.   I have simple goals, to see my collar bones again.  To not have a double chin.  To be able to rock heels and not feel like my ankles are going to break after an hour lol.  

Why share this?  Because it gives me more people to be accountable to.   And also to say if you didn't like me when I was fat, you don't deserve me when I am not.   Just saying!   (kidding... kind of)

Regardless of  how well or not so well I do.  I mentally know I am still worthy of love regardless of how I look.  I know that the "right" person is out there.  I don't do this to land someone, I do this because I am not dumb and know that being physically attracted to someone is super important.    I know if I FEELbetter, I will project how I am feeling in how I look.   I know that any change I make to better my health is better for myself and for my boys.   One day at a time.... one week at a time and hopefully one  pound at a time (times like 80 lol).