Anyone who knew me when I graduated high school can attest to the fact that I am pretty much look the same as I did when I graduated back in (gasp) 1992!! A few gray hairs and a few wrinkles... my body shape has changed a bit due to my 4 little monsters... but for the most part, I wear the same size clothes as I did back then.
I didn't have a bunch of guys lined up at my door then, and I was always self conscious that boys always befriended me to get close to my friends. There was always that one boy who had my heart, the one I met my first day of 6th grade at Sequoia Elementary... My heart still skips a beat when I see him. I dated off and on after high school. Never anything really serious. Every time there was someone who I thought was THE ONE something or someone came to bust that bubble.
When I met Mike he was not someone I would have immediately said he is THE ONE. I mean he was not my typical type. But he was nice, he was fun, he was handsome. And he showed interest in ME!
I do not write this to bag on Mike. We now know that most of the things I am about to write about where Mike's excuses for his own desires not being met.
Mike and I met when we were 24, started dating when we were 25, married by 27 and began our family at 28. We split when we were 36. SO that being said, for about 10 years I was always lead to believe I was not good enough. There was always a reason why he didn't want to hold my hand or snuggle with me, or be intimate as often as I tried. "If you would just lose weight, it would be better" "I am just not that attracted to you" Keep in mind when Mike proposed to me I weighed about 25 pounds more than I did when he walked out the door. All the years of rejection that was drilled in my head was because I was too fat, or not attractive. I couldn't understand why I was good enough when he proposed but not good enough after we got married. But the reality IS I just wasn't the right sex for HIM.
Coming out of the mindset of you are not good enough, if only I wore a certain size THEN I will be attractive... THEN a man will want me..... THEN I will be worthy of affection love and desire. This has been a continual process for me.
Would I like to loose weight ... SURE.... Have I tried... YUP.... Do I stick with it ... Not apparently! But here is what I do know. I AM good enough, just the way I am. And there are men, handsome, successful, fun, who think I am great. I am a pretty good woman. I am a catch! LOL If I can find someone to accept me and my boys and make a long term go at it.... awesome... if not I am OK just being me and having fun.
And speaking of having fun.... It has come to my attention that someone I know feels that my standards are too high, that I only want a good looking buffed man... and that is just keeping my standards too high. So here is what I have to say to that... fuck off!!!
Yes i do have a "type", and my DFM friends tease me "oh yeah... buffed and tattoos thats your type" There is a typical type of man that I am attracted to. Does that mean that is the only type of guy I will date... no, it just may not be an immediate attraction.
But here is what I know. I recently met a gorgeous, tall, smart, successful, 28 year old that thinks I am the shit! He normally dates older women... awesome... he prefers "not skinny" women MORE AWESOME!! Please hear me when I say this guy is pretty dang hot, as my one of my friends likes to refer to him as "superman/Clark Kent" We had a blast together. I am hoping it will continue but hell who knows.
There is this other guy that I know who consistently tells me how gorgeous I am. I always question him, his motives and what is he thinking saying that. I tell him it is filters on my pictures, or angles or photoshop. And then he will look me in the eye and say when I say you are beautiful I am looking at you not thinking about your pictures. And he makes me believe it. It has been the most liberating "relationship" for me. I feel beautiful, no matter what size I am. And coming from 10+ years of thinking I wasn't good enough, it is a great point to be at in my life.
The last 3 years I have learned that I am good enough, and there are men out there who find me attractive. There is more to me than where I shop or the size of my jeans. There is my sparkly eyes, big smile, awesome long hair, cute little nose and the big boobs help too! :) No matter what life throws at me, I know my marriage didn't fail because I am not good enough.... my marriage failed because I was missing an essential body part... LOL Have a great night!
