Biggest Question

One of the biggest questions I get asked when someone hears about my marriage with Mike is "Did you know?" 

When Mike and I met, we met at church.  I was 24 years old, as a matter of fact, so was he... we have the SAME birthday, we were born 13 minutes apart from each other.  (Fate right?)

Both of us had been really involved in church. I was a graduate of bible school, he was IN bible school at the time.  Throughout our lives in and out of church you are taught and made to understand that being gay is wrong.   When we first began to date, one of the serious conversations we had was him letting me know that he had lived "that lifestyle" before coming back to God.   As a christian you are raised to believe that being gay is a sin, that it is sin in your life, that you are NOT born that way and that it is a choice.   So as believers, not thinking on our own.  WE believed that Mike had been "delivered" from that sinful life.   I mean he was in bible school, working with youth, praying for people, he loved me... there was NO way he could still be gay.  He was free from that life. 

(As all of this has come to light I believe that there is no "Healing" from being gay.  And it sounds like a "well duh" moment.  But when you are raised to believe something, it is hard to come out of that mind set.)

I know looking in Mike's eyes now... seeing the love he has for me and the pain he feels for hurting me that if he COULD change the way he felt at this time he WOULD.  He would give anything to have his "family" back.  Who would choose to leave a faithful devoted woman, and his 4 kids?   That night when everything came to a head, was his time to choose.  Should he choose to continue living this life that he was used to, having no desire for his wife, "faking" the romance....  hurting me?  Or should he come clean, and let me go to hopefully find someone who could give me the love I deserve.  Ultimately he decided the better thing to do was to STOP hurting me....  of course the hurt lingered...  but what would be better.  Staying with me until the kids were 18 and out on their own, THEN saying I don't want to do this anymore??   Or is it better for him to suck it up now and let me hurt for a season, then hopefully find that man who could love me more than he could?  

I commend Mike on being man enough to do that.  It seems weird to people for me to say that and to defend him.  I am not saying that his actions didn't hurt, and the way that it came about was right.  It was bad... really bad.  But ultimately I smile more now, I laugh more now.  Sure I have my pity parties and I feel defeated and alone.  BUT deep down I know that this was for the best.  

I will say it over and over day after day.  I love this man.  I would do anything for him.  He is my best friend.  He is my family, always will be.  Most people, family, friends, they have a hard time understanding how and why I love him.  I love him NOT only as the father of my children.  I love him for the man he is.  Do I have that romantic love for him anymore? Not a bit of it.  But he is my friend, he is the person I go to when I have a bad day.  We are able to maintain this friendship and love for each other without the marriage.  We do it not only for our boys, but for ourselves. 

So in answer to the BIG question... did I KNOW?  Yes I did.  Am I sad that things ended the way they did... yes.  Do I regret it? Not at all.  I got the best of both worlds.... I have an amazing man in my life who will always have my back.  And I have 4 of the most amazingly handsome, sweet, smart, loving children in the world!!  The 13/14 years that Mike and I spent together developed us both into the people we are today.  To the parents we are, to the man and woman that can keep our heads up knowing that what we are doing together is raising strong, happy, healthy boys to be amazing men.  

Hoping that my random thoughts are not boring anyone....  thanks for reading.