My dreams...

Last week I had a moment of poor me.   I was laying in my room, trying to turn my mind off and Caleb came in and asked if I was ok.   And of course my answer was yes I am fine, just tired.

But here is the reality.  I  have been on my own for going on 9 years now.  I have handled it all in stride and do my best to never complain to my boys or bring my sometimes down feelings into the picture where they are concerned.    Now their dad and I are friends, but we are not friends on social media for a reason.    And although I already knew, because he told me, a mutual friend decided that I needed to see a post that he had put about how he had purchased his dream car.     And it took a day or so, but then it kicked in.  In the last 9 years I have been through many struggles in life.   And maybe I don't have dreams that are realistic..... but he is getting his dreams.... he always wanted to buy a house... done.... got married again... done.....  dream car...  beach vacations....  all that stuff.   And although I am glad that he has been able to achieve dreams, I had a night of poor me....  How can he walk away and walk into whatever he wants and dreams of.   I am glad that night is over....  

In 9 years I have yet to have a serious relationship.  I seem to repulse men who are emotionally available as well as single....   Or at least the ones I am interested in.....  But lets be real, I don't have the best track record prior to the 9 years... I mean I was married to a gay guy.  

I don't own a home, I have bills, I  don't have luxury vacations, I drive a mini van for crying out loud. 

But what I DO have is an unbelievable relationship with my sons.   Last night we ate a wonderful gourmet dinner of chili dogs and mac n cheese (lol) and we sat at the table for at least an hour, just talking and laughing and having real conversation.    I have four boys that kiss me goodnight and tell me they love me.  And even on nights when they are not with me, I normally get a text saying they love me.   

I DO have a small but amazing group of friends who I know I can count on for anything.  

I DO have a family that I adore and continue to be a saving grace in my life.  

I DO know that although I may not have my dream house, or a husband, or a nice car.  I  have a wonderful life that sometimes I feel crappy about but the ups outweigh the bad days by 98%!   

Life is what you make it....  I choose not to be sad or down or even angry about what I feel my life SHOULD be....   And Ii am grateful for what my life IS! 

Have you ever loved.....

Have you ever loved someone enough to reveal the real you?   

The you that you won't apologize for?  The good, the bad, the fabulous and the ugly?    Recently the boys and I ventured into the garage for a complete day of cleaning the crap out.   In the process I found a box, this box held every letter, card, note, memento that Mike had ever given me over the years of dating, engagement and marriage.    I  was ready to toss it, but Caleb wanted to keep it, so I let him.    I think it is a positive thing for him to see and know that what we had was real and loving at one point.   But back to the point.... 

In this box there was an envelope, the outside just says "Do not open until the ring is on the finger".   This is a letter/list of things I  wanted in a husband that I had written years before I had met Mike.  Once we were engaged, I found the envelope and opened it.   

I tried to justify everything that Mike wasn't.   Everything that I insisted that I wanted that didn't exist in what we had.   Why?  Because I loved him.  Because he was the one God brought to me.  When I stopped searching he was the one who walked in and showed me the love I thought I wanted and needed.  Maybe God knew better than I did.   

I still don't know the answers to that.   I know that at one day and point we loved each other.   And we had a friendship that is still intact to this day.    But there was always something missing....  for him, I  was missing ... well...   a penis... (lol).    For me it wasn't a look or a body part, it was commonality.   If anyone knows me, you know I love sports, and that was something on my list.  Must love sports.  Anyone know knows Mike, knows that isn't there.    I wanted the touchy affectionate person who wasn't afraid to hug me, or kiss me, or hold my hand in public.  That was never the case, and honestly what we fought most about.  He would walk 3 steps ahead of me on most days.   

Now don't get me wrong.   We had things in common, and that is why we lasted the 10+ years we had together.   But each of us sacrafised things we genuinely desired in someone for the sake of getting married, then for the sake of our children.     I  allowed myself to become as much as the person he wanted as I could.   And at the same time pieces of me began to die.   Allowing what someone else wanted me to be to take over.   I wasn't me anymore.    

Over the last 8+ years that I  have been just me....  I have allowed those things to live in me again.  To not settle for anything less than what I  want.   To not allow myself to not be who I am, or accept things in someone that I know in my heart are not good for me, just for the sake of a relationship.   

Last weekend I went out with a man (we have known each other for a long time and have dated off and on for years) and as we walked around Old Sac, he came up behind me in one of the stores and hugged me and kissed the back of my head.   And that was a moment of realization to me.   That what I want does exist.  There is something in me that is desirable to some, and will this finally work out with this particular person, no clue.  Day by day....     But it was an eye opening thing for me to know that not all is lost.  I am allowed to be my true self, to be loud and needy sometimes.  To not be perfect, but still lovable.   My life is just beginning.   The opportunities of love are still there, and so is the opportunity of having the love I want.   

Yes I know his face is cropped out... it was on purpose.  But HE said come here and take a pic....   He wanted to memorialize the day by taking a photo.....  THIS is what I needed.... these are things I look for.   It was a great day..... 

How things change in a decade....

As we are drawing close to the end of 2019, I have started reflecting on what I would say was the most difficult 10 years of my life.   In 2009, into 2010 I was a wife, and mom of 3 boys.  I at the time was a stay at home mama and enjoyed my life on the surface.   Deep down I knew that life could be better.  I knew something was lacking in my life, and now I know it was love.   

10 years later, I am divorced, mom of 4 boys, I  have moved 2 times, and been through many struggles.   But I am happy in almost every aspect of my life.  I have worked for the same company for over 9 years now, I live in a beautiful home, I  have four gorgeous healthy boys.   I  have made friends who are more than friends, they are family.    I have blended into a small town community that I am proud to be a part of.    Life is good, better than good.  


Now I still don't have that love that I long for, but I have a sense of peace about it.   I know that I am not settling for anything less than what I  desire.  It will happen, I may be 80 by the time it does..... but until then, I will keep having fun! 


In the next 10 years I expect life to change quite a bit, it is hard to fathom but my baby Levi will be 18 by then.... WOW.....  my kids will be grown and it will be a new time for me.  Until then I am going to continue to raise my boys as best I can.  Continue to show them a parent who will go to the ends of the earth to help them reach their dreams and desires.   I will continue to love them unconditionally, and cherish every play, musical, basketball, football and baseball game they have.  I will continue to be the best mom I know how to be.    For me .... I plan on continuing my journey to better health... maybe get into running again (MAYBE).  Learn how to spend a little time for me once and a while.   Just the basics.   

8 Years of Single Parenting!

There are many things I have learned over my last 8 years as a single mom.... here is some insight.

1. Unless your child's other parent is hurting your child mentally or physically you should NEVER come between a child having a relationship with the other parent. Not because you don't like their new spouse or boy/girlfriend. They have moved on, get over yourself. It doesn't change the love they have for their child. Doing things to make their life more difficult to fulfill some revenge you feel you deserve is childish.

2. Your child should ALWAYS come first in your decisions to dating or getting into a relationship with someone new. If the person you are SO IN LOVE with is not a good example to be around your child, I don't care how much you think you love them or they love you, you are being selfish. Your child should be around people who you would be ok with them growing up to be. Side note... if you can't bring this person around your child, family or friends then WTH are you thinking?

3. Being your kids best friend is ridiculous. There are ways to build that bond and relationship with your kids without being their best friend. Save that for the kids that they are around. Be a parent. Learn how to earn their trust so they will tell you secrets of a best friend without losing the respect as a parent.

4. Allow your children to make mistakes. Do not fix everything for them. Let them learn from their mistakes, take responsibility for them and learn how to correct them and make better decisions next time. If we as parents continue to fix every little problem we are going to have a generation of lost puppies who don't know how to live in a very cruel society.

5. Know what is going on in their lives. Take an interest in them as people. What do they do during the day, who do they hang out with. What are the looking at on the phone/computer? Are they happy, sad, lonely, excited?

5. If you don't already, always tell your kids you love them. No matter how old they are....tell them how proud you are, how happy you are that you are their parent.

That is my parental rant for the day, sorry

Nobody wants to date the fat girl....

Before everyone loses their shit about the title..... These are MY thoughts.  Things I  need to process in my own mind and life. 

I have been overweight more than half my life.   I started high school thinking I was fat at 130 lbs.  I  was a cheerleader, athlete and was very active.   Then one summer I got lazy and the weight started packing on.   Even with the weight, I was still an athlete, my senior year I was still a cheerleader, but dated very little throughout high school.  

In my early 20's I dropped some weight, then of course had a boyfriend, then got my heart broken, and the weight came back on. 

Mid 20's, met my ex husband, dated, got engaged, dropped weight, got married, had baby #1 within 1 year of getting married, dropped all but 10 lbs pretty quick.   (Not bad for being on bed rest for at least 3 months).   Flash forward 4 years later, baby 2, 6 years baby 3 and 8 years baby 4.   Although I cannot say I kept on baby weight, all of that usually went away pretty quick. 

My weight was always thrown in my face by my ex.  If you would only lose weight our marriage could be better.  If you would look better I would be more attracted to you.   I developed the worst self confidence anyone could possibly imagine.   I since then have always had doubt on why anyone would want to be with me.  

Eight years later I am still overweight.  It is a battle I sometimes think I will never win.   I take a selfie and think damn I am cute.  Then I will see a picture someone else takes and I see what other people see.   I  see why I am single.   I am pretty, I am smart, I  am a great mom, I am a great friend. I dress nice, I am fun and social...but reality is I am fat.   No guy wants the fat girl.    (Disclaimer - it isn't that NO ONE has wanted to date me,  but they tend to be the emotionally unavailable, live no where near me, or not single and I am picky)  

Ok the reason for the post.   I am really trying to gather myself and lose some weight.  I know it is a process, I know that it takes time and commitment this isn't something I haven't dealt with before.    But it is time for me to learn how to put myself first once and a while and do what is best for me.   I am starting a six week challenge through a program done by an old friend of mine from Colorado.   I will be held accountable for my food and checking in.  I will be held accountable for my success and failure.   I have a small window between baseball and basketball where I can mentally focus on myself just a little bit.   So here I go.   Do I need to be 130 lbs again? No, not even close to being my goal.   I have simple goals, to see my collar bones again.  To not have a double chin.  To be able to rock heels and not feel like my ankles are going to break after an hour lol.  

Why share this?  Because it gives me more people to be accountable to.   And also to say if you didn't like me when I was fat, you don't deserve me when I am not.   Just saying!   (kidding... kind of)

Regardless of  how well or not so well I do.  I mentally know I am still worthy of love regardless of how I look.  I know that the "right" person is out there.  I don't do this to land someone, I do this because I am not dumb and know that being physically attracted to someone is super important.    I know if I FEELbetter, I will project how I am feeling in how I look.   I know that any change I make to better my health is better for myself and for my boys.   One day at a time.... one week at a time and hopefully one  pound at a time (times like 80 lol). 

FOUR years too many....

What reminded me of this blog today I have no clue.   But I remembered my password and began reading the words from the first 4 years of my single mom life.


Not much has changed from the outside looking in.   But coming up on the 8 year mark, I  am still a single mom with four boys.

But I really believe the mom that I am, has developed even further.  I no longer look to other people for acceptance, as a mom, friend, woman.   I know who I am.  I am proud of who I have become.   I  have found real friends who accept me, and are so much like me I can't believe I lived so many years without them. 

I am happy to say I  have been a "go to" to other women who are going through a similar situations that I have.   This makes me exceptionally proud of myself.   You would think that the trials that we experienced almost 8 years ago would be embarrassing or I would be discouraged and defeated.   For a time they did.  NOW, nope.  I have learned so much from life, and being able to share that with women who feel that embarrassment or defeated feeling right now, and showing them that it isn't permanent,  and it is an amazing feeling.

My boys... oh my boys.   Caleb just turned 16.  It scares the absolute crap out of me, but my goodness he is such a good kid.   He has developed into being a smart ass like his mom, but in a good way!     He has his high school struggles.  Some with kids, mostly with grades.   He has seem to have found his "people", in the show choir.   He has so much fun, and does such an amazing job up on stage.  I am beyond proud of him.  His handsome face, and amazing smile is just the icing on the cake.

Jonah, my smarty pants boy, with his contagious smile.   He is continuing his streak as an honor roll student.  He has made honor roll every trimester for the last 3 years, and I have no doubt that will continue.   He is almost as tall as me now, and sadly just as graceful lol!  He has had 3 big injuries in the last year, mostly due to clumsiness or sports.   He pushes himself daily to be a better athlete.  He had an amazing baseballs season, including a broken elbow, but pushed through and played hard when he returned and made the All Start team for the second year in a row.  A successful regular season team the Mets won the 2019 TOC Title, as well as the 12U All Start Team won the District 15 Champion Title as well.

Zechariah had a rough year in 4th grade due to a teacher who was retiring and just didn't give a crap.  In turn it has effected his grades (which I am not mad at, he can't teach himself) but most of all it hurt his self confidence.   He wanted to make honor roll so badly, and when "friends" did, and rubbed it in his face, and with a teacher who made him feel like he needed to be punished for it, it was defeating none the less.   He did have a great baseball season as well, making the All Star team for the first time.  His team the Yankees won their TOC Championships, and the 10U All Star Team won their District title.   Zechariah has tuned into my lovey mommy boy.   His smile when he looks at me, the love I see in his eyes for me, makes me understand that there is NOTHING more healing than a mommy who love and encourages her baby.

My baby boy Levi.  Man is he a typical baby of the family.   His beautiful face gets him away with so much.  A major smarty pants in school.  He won 2 awards for reading in 2nd grade, and achieved great marks on his report card as well as comments from his teachers.   Baseball was good for him as well, he loves he game and played very well this year.  He also made the Farm Future All Star game this year.   He is hoping to learn how to pitch over the next few months so he can be a pitcher in minors next year.






I wish I could continue and say that I have met someone amazing who has changed my life. (I kind of thought I did, but it is what it is right?) Yeah not in the cards for me at this time.  Although I will say this.  I  have always been told that I am too picky, that I  need to lower my standards when it comes to the men I choose to date.   How about NO.   I  am not picky, I just know the type of person that will compliment my life.   The type of person who I would want to be a part of my children's lives.  Not just anyone deserves to be a part of my life, or those of my boys.   It will take an amazing person to be allowed that privilege.   I know that I am not tall, or have an amazing body, or a stunning face.  I know I am getting older and with that comes wrinkles and a little grey hair.    But here is what I do have to offer the right person.   Kindness, Caring, Faithfulness, Fun, Laughs, Smiles, Comfort, Support, and for the right person all the love that I can give  I also have nice hair, great smile, and boobs so there is that! LOL    And I know one day there will be someone who will appreciate that and cherish it. 

Until then as always I will continue to be the best mom I can be.  The one who is at every practice, game, lunch on the lawn, conference, assembly, performance.   I will always be the mom who my boys can depend on, no matter what.   There should never be a question in their minds if I will be there for them.   That is the mom I choose to be!  Every day ... not just for Facebook or Instagram.   But EVER DAY OF THEIR LIVES!   I want my boys to enjoy their childhood and have great memories of how they were raised.  

Guess that is it for the comeback post....   hopefully I will have more fun stuff to share soon.

Raising Prince Charming…

I had a conversation with someone at work a few weeks ago, and she was saying how she is teaching her daughters that fairy tales are a joke, that there are no happy endings, boys/men are not princes, that they need to learn how to do things themselves and never thing that a man is going to save them.  

And I agree with this, I really do.  I have always been independent.  I made it a point in my life never to need someone to take care of me.  I had my own place, my own car, my own everything before I settled down and got married and started a family. 

HOWEVER….  I have a different mentality when raising my boys.  So this is what I told my co-worker.  "I am doing my best to raise my boys to be that Prince Charming!"  

My goal as a parent is to raise my boys to be men who would be considered a prince charming.  Whom a woman would be proud to have him by her side.  That her parents would never have a doubt in his intentions or his love for their daughter.  

Teaching them respect for themselves as well as others, both mentally and physically.  To be gentlemen, open doors, say please and thank you, to express their feelings openly and when appropriate.  

I may have not found a prince charming, but I was able to give life to four little boys who have all the potential of being amazing, solid, loving. and of course handsome Prince Charmings.    

Now I just hope that there are four mothers out there that are raising young independent women who can take care of themselves and don't expect to be treated as a princess, but will appreciate it when they are.