The dreaded day

 For the last few years today hasn't phased me much, last year I completely forgot.  But today is a shitty day for me.   20 years ago today I woke up anxious and excited to begin the rest of my life with the man I thought would love me until the end.   

You see I didn't get married young.  I waited, I enjoyed my early 20's, I traveled, moved away, partied a lot.  Enjoyed doing whatever I wanted.  Had my own place, my own stuff my own life.  I learned how to be myself.   When I met my ex, i was in my mid 20's, I just turned 25 actually....   and by 27 we were ready to settle down and start a life.  

But it wasn't a life.  It was a time... and in that time I got the BEST part of my life which is my boys.  And I do NOT want that life back, I don't think you could pay me enough to even try and at the same time I wouldn't change it.  But when I was in that life I will say this.  I was an amazing wife.  I was what a wife should be an then some.  And today I am pissed that it was wasted on someone who didn't appreciate, value or even want it.   I am angry that even after I forgave him when he broke my heart 4 years in, I still continued to  live like the betrayal wasn't there.   I lived with the hope that the time of trial would be rewarded by a life of love and happiness.   What a joke!   I believed that my faith and works within the church would be rewarded with a restored marriage and family.   Instead I got continued betrayal and heartache.   

In the back of my mind I say to myself woman get over it already, and I am over it like 99%.  Most days it doesn't even phase me.   But if only one day in a few years makes me feel crappy, then mentally I am better than most.   One day today will just be Star Wars day like it is to everyone else but for today in 2022 it is a sucky day!     

Learning to Let Go

 Life is strange.  

I was at a point in my life a few years ago that I was confident, happy, content.   A man walked into my life and did everything he could to make me fall in love with him.  He would literally ask me daily if I loved him.   And for a long while the answer was no, until it wasn't.    Now this relationship was WRONG on so many levels, but having someone who seemed to genuinely care about me, and wanted so bad for me to care for them turned off all logical thinking.  It didn't hurt that he was amazingly hot, but that is besides the point.  But the lies and disbelief and my stupidness all came to light.  I should know better right?  That eventually it would turn into heartbreak.  And it turned me into the complete opposite of what I was when he walked into my life.    I was scared, and sad, and felt horrible with myself.  And some of that was justifiable.   But it ruined all bit of confidence I had.   I drank a lot for a bit, trying to hide my sadness and my stupidity.  

Now 4 years later, I am again at that point, confident, happy, content.   I know I have so much room for improvement in my life, it is a constant battle.   I have finally become strong enough to not allow guys walk in and out of my life when it is convenient for them.   I genuinely know what I want from my life, and from a man who could one day be a part of it.

If someone cannot appreciate what I have to offer then I can appreciate that they are not meant to be in my life at that level.   I can say with confidence, that I am grateful for the mistakes that I have made in life.  Learning to forgive others, and myself for all the craziness in my life will have to do.  

Nothing makes me happier in life then doing things for other people.   Do you like a certain candy.... guess what I am getting when I see it at the store.  Are you feeling down or overwhelmed, I will probably spend hours finding the right quote or saying to send to you.   Is there a special day coming up, I will always want to celebrate with you.   Do you care about my kids, I will care about yours.     Sometimes I wish my outsides matched my insides, because I know that if it did I wouldn't be where I am today.   My strengths have nothing to do with willpower or consistency sometimes, but my strengths can show anyone that I am caring, loving, and a pretty damn good person to have in your corner.  

The love I have to give someone is worth more than what has even been given me in the past.   That I can guarantee you! 

Again??.....

Last year I entered the world of keto....  It worked well, I lost a good amount of weight....  then early this year I feel off the wagon.  And to my shock (sarcasm) all the weight came back.   You have seen me write before about my weight and how it bothers me.  And I have never considered myself to be a fat girl...  but I  know I am.   Ever see the meme .... "I am so fat.. no you are so pretty.... I never said I wasn't pretty..."   That is me in a nutshell!

 A few weeks ago I made the decision to get my health in order.  It really isn't even about losing weight anymore.  It is about being healthier for myself and for my boys.  I found myself exhausted at the end of my office job day....   my legs were swelling, I am out of breath doing the simplest of things.   Now don't get me wrong, I still keep going.  I don't stop because I feel uncomfortable, but I am tired of being uncomfortable.

Last week I began that journey. It is starting with a liver detox... OMG no booze!!  SEND HELP!  lol    Surprisingly the no coffee part is what is killing me.  But so far so good.   Prepping, weighing, eating organic, fresh foods.   My sister, who has been certified as a health coach is helping me along the way, which is great for accountability and encouragement. 

Today was my official one week on detox.  I have lost 8.6 pounds and feel significantly better already.  OK I am done... LOL Just kidding!    I  am trying to train my mind to make better choices, and not only that, but begin to enjoy those choices.   I have tricked myself into drinking more water by using a Venti Starbucks cup... 20oz at a time.   Somehow with that cup and a straw I drink more.  How my demented mind works I guess.  

So that is it in my fun exciting world for now.  Have a great week!  

My dreams...

Last week I had a moment of poor me.   I was laying in my room, trying to turn my mind off and Caleb came in and asked if I was ok.   And of course my answer was yes I am fine, just tired.

But here is the reality.  I  have been on my own for going on 9 years now.  I have handled it all in stride and do my best to never complain to my boys or bring my sometimes down feelings into the picture where they are concerned.    Now their dad and I are friends, but we are not friends on social media for a reason.    And although I already knew, because he told me, a mutual friend decided that I needed to see a post that he had put about how he had purchased his dream car.     And it took a day or so, but then it kicked in.  In the last 9 years I have been through many struggles in life.   And maybe I don't have dreams that are realistic..... but he is getting his dreams.... he always wanted to buy a house... done.... got married again... done.....  dream car...  beach vacations....  all that stuff.   And although I am glad that he has been able to achieve dreams, I had a night of poor me....  How can he walk away and walk into whatever he wants and dreams of.   I am glad that night is over....  

In 9 years I have yet to have a serious relationship.  I seem to repulse men who are emotionally available as well as single....   Or at least the ones I am interested in.....  But lets be real, I don't have the best track record prior to the 9 years... I mean I was married to a gay guy.  

I don't own a home, I have bills, I  don't have luxury vacations, I drive a mini van for crying out loud. 

But what I DO have is an unbelievable relationship with my sons.   Last night we ate a wonderful gourmet dinner of chili dogs and mac n cheese (lol) and we sat at the table for at least an hour, just talking and laughing and having real conversation.    I have four boys that kiss me goodnight and tell me they love me.  And even on nights when they are not with me, I normally get a text saying they love me.   

I DO have a small but amazing group of friends who I know I can count on for anything.  

I DO have a family that I adore and continue to be a saving grace in my life.  

I DO know that although I may not have my dream house, or a husband, or a nice car.  I  have a wonderful life that sometimes I feel crappy about but the ups outweigh the bad days by 98%!   

Life is what you make it....  I choose not to be sad or down or even angry about what I feel my life SHOULD be....   And Ii am grateful for what my life IS! 

Have you ever loved.....

Have you ever loved someone enough to reveal the real you?   

The you that you won't apologize for?  The good, the bad, the fabulous and the ugly?    Recently the boys and I ventured into the garage for a complete day of cleaning the crap out.   In the process I found a box, this box held every letter, card, note, memento that Mike had ever given me over the years of dating, engagement and marriage.    I  was ready to toss it, but Caleb wanted to keep it, so I let him.    I think it is a positive thing for him to see and know that what we had was real and loving at one point.   But back to the point.... 

In this box there was an envelope, the outside just says "Do not open until the ring is on the finger".   This is a letter/list of things I  wanted in a husband that I had written years before I had met Mike.  Once we were engaged, I found the envelope and opened it.   

I tried to justify everything that Mike wasn't.   Everything that I insisted that I wanted that didn't exist in what we had.   Why?  Because I loved him.  Because he was the one God brought to me.  When I stopped searching he was the one who walked in and showed me the love I thought I wanted and needed.  Maybe God knew better than I did.   

I still don't know the answers to that.   I know that at one day and point we loved each other.   And we had a friendship that is still intact to this day.    But there was always something missing....  for him, I  was missing ... well...   a penis... (lol).    For me it wasn't a look or a body part, it was commonality.   If anyone knows me, you know I love sports, and that was something on my list.  Must love sports.  Anyone know knows Mike, knows that isn't there.    I wanted the touchy affectionate person who wasn't afraid to hug me, or kiss me, or hold my hand in public.  That was never the case, and honestly what we fought most about.  He would walk 3 steps ahead of me on most days.   

Now don't get me wrong.   We had things in common, and that is why we lasted the 10+ years we had together.   But each of us sacrafised things we genuinely desired in someone for the sake of getting married, then for the sake of our children.     I  allowed myself to become as much as the person he wanted as I could.   And at the same time pieces of me began to die.   Allowing what someone else wanted me to be to take over.   I wasn't me anymore.    

Over the last 8+ years that I  have been just me....  I have allowed those things to live in me again.  To not settle for anything less than what I  want.   To not allow myself to not be who I am, or accept things in someone that I know in my heart are not good for me, just for the sake of a relationship.   

Last weekend I went out with a man (we have known each other for a long time and have dated off and on for years) and as we walked around Old Sac, he came up behind me in one of the stores and hugged me and kissed the back of my head.   And that was a moment of realization to me.   That what I want does exist.  There is something in me that is desirable to some, and will this finally work out with this particular person, no clue.  Day by day....     But it was an eye opening thing for me to know that not all is lost.  I am allowed to be my true self, to be loud and needy sometimes.  To not be perfect, but still lovable.   My life is just beginning.   The opportunities of love are still there, and so is the opportunity of having the love I want.   

Yes I know his face is cropped out... it was on purpose.  But HE said come here and take a pic....   He wanted to memorialize the day by taking a photo.....  THIS is what I needed.... these are things I look for.   It was a great day..... 

How things change in a decade....

As we are drawing close to the end of 2019, I have started reflecting on what I would say was the most difficult 10 years of my life.   In 2009, into 2010 I was a wife, and mom of 3 boys.  I at the time was a stay at home mama and enjoyed my life on the surface.   Deep down I knew that life could be better.  I knew something was lacking in my life, and now I know it was love.   

10 years later, I am divorced, mom of 4 boys, I  have moved 2 times, and been through many struggles.   But I am happy in almost every aspect of my life.  I have worked for the same company for over 9 years now, I live in a beautiful home, I  have four gorgeous healthy boys.   I  have made friends who are more than friends, they are family.    I have blended into a small town community that I am proud to be a part of.    Life is good, better than good.  


Now I still don't have that love that I long for, but I have a sense of peace about it.   I know that I am not settling for anything less than what I  desire.  It will happen, I may be 80 by the time it does..... but until then, I will keep having fun! 


In the next 10 years I expect life to change quite a bit, it is hard to fathom but my baby Levi will be 18 by then.... WOW.....  my kids will be grown and it will be a new time for me.  Until then I am going to continue to raise my boys as best I can.  Continue to show them a parent who will go to the ends of the earth to help them reach their dreams and desires.   I will continue to love them unconditionally, and cherish every play, musical, basketball, football and baseball game they have.  I will continue to be the best mom I know how to be.    For me .... I plan on continuing my journey to better health... maybe get into running again (MAYBE).  Learn how to spend a little time for me once and a while.   Just the basics.   

8 Years of Single Parenting!

There are many things I have learned over my last 8 years as a single mom.... here is some insight.

1. Unless your child's other parent is hurting your child mentally or physically you should NEVER come between a child having a relationship with the other parent. Not because you don't like their new spouse or boy/girlfriend. They have moved on, get over yourself. It doesn't change the love they have for their child. Doing things to make their life more difficult to fulfill some revenge you feel you deserve is childish.

2. Your child should ALWAYS come first in your decisions to dating or getting into a relationship with someone new. If the person you are SO IN LOVE with is not a good example to be around your child, I don't care how much you think you love them or they love you, you are being selfish. Your child should be around people who you would be ok with them growing up to be. Side note... if you can't bring this person around your child, family or friends then WTH are you thinking?

3. Being your kids best friend is ridiculous. There are ways to build that bond and relationship with your kids without being their best friend. Save that for the kids that they are around. Be a parent. Learn how to earn their trust so they will tell you secrets of a best friend without losing the respect as a parent.

4. Allow your children to make mistakes. Do not fix everything for them. Let them learn from their mistakes, take responsibility for them and learn how to correct them and make better decisions next time. If we as parents continue to fix every little problem we are going to have a generation of lost puppies who don't know how to live in a very cruel society.

5. Know what is going on in their lives. Take an interest in them as people. What do they do during the day, who do they hang out with. What are the looking at on the phone/computer? Are they happy, sad, lonely, excited?

5. If you don't already, always tell your kids you love them. No matter how old they are....tell them how proud you are, how happy you are that you are their parent.

That is my parental rant for the day, sorry

Nobody wants to date the fat girl....

Before everyone loses their shit about the title..... These are MY thoughts.  Things I  need to process in my own mind and life. 

I have been overweight more than half my life.   I started high school thinking I was fat at 130 lbs.  I  was a cheerleader, athlete and was very active.   Then one summer I got lazy and the weight started packing on.   Even with the weight, I was still an athlete, my senior year I was still a cheerleader, but dated very little throughout high school.  

In my early 20's I dropped some weight, then of course had a boyfriend, then got my heart broken, and the weight came back on. 

Mid 20's, met my ex husband, dated, got engaged, dropped weight, got married, had baby #1 within 1 year of getting married, dropped all but 10 lbs pretty quick.   (Not bad for being on bed rest for at least 3 months).   Flash forward 4 years later, baby 2, 6 years baby 3 and 8 years baby 4.   Although I cannot say I kept on baby weight, all of that usually went away pretty quick. 

My weight was always thrown in my face by my ex.  If you would only lose weight our marriage could be better.  If you would look better I would be more attracted to you.   I developed the worst self confidence anyone could possibly imagine.   I since then have always had doubt on why anyone would want to be with me.  

Eight years later I am still overweight.  It is a battle I sometimes think I will never win.   I take a selfie and think damn I am cute.  Then I will see a picture someone else takes and I see what other people see.   I  see why I am single.   I am pretty, I am smart, I  am a great mom, I am a great friend. I dress nice, I am fun and social...but reality is I am fat.   No guy wants the fat girl.    (Disclaimer - it isn't that NO ONE has wanted to date me,  but they tend to be the emotionally unavailable, live no where near me, or not single and I am picky)  

Ok the reason for the post.   I am really trying to gather myself and lose some weight.  I know it is a process, I know that it takes time and commitment this isn't something I haven't dealt with before.    But it is time for me to learn how to put myself first once and a while and do what is best for me.   I am starting a six week challenge through a program done by an old friend of mine from Colorado.   I will be held accountable for my food and checking in.  I will be held accountable for my success and failure.   I have a small window between baseball and basketball where I can mentally focus on myself just a little bit.   So here I go.   Do I need to be 130 lbs again? No, not even close to being my goal.   I have simple goals, to see my collar bones again.  To not have a double chin.  To be able to rock heels and not feel like my ankles are going to break after an hour lol.  

Why share this?  Because it gives me more people to be accountable to.   And also to say if you didn't like me when I was fat, you don't deserve me when I am not.   Just saying!   (kidding... kind of)

Regardless of  how well or not so well I do.  I mentally know I am still worthy of love regardless of how I look.  I know that the "right" person is out there.  I don't do this to land someone, I do this because I am not dumb and know that being physically attracted to someone is super important.    I know if I FEELbetter, I will project how I am feeling in how I look.   I know that any change I make to better my health is better for myself and for my boys.   One day at a time.... one week at a time and hopefully one  pound at a time (times like 80 lol). 

FOUR years too many....

What reminded me of this blog today I have no clue.   But I remembered my password and began reading the words from the first 4 years of my single mom life.


Not much has changed from the outside looking in.   But coming up on the 8 year mark, I  am still a single mom with four boys.

But I really believe the mom that I am, has developed even further.  I no longer look to other people for acceptance, as a mom, friend, woman.   I know who I am.  I am proud of who I have become.   I  have found real friends who accept me, and are so much like me I can't believe I lived so many years without them. 

I am happy to say I  have been a "go to" to other women who are going through a similar situations that I have.   This makes me exceptionally proud of myself.   You would think that the trials that we experienced almost 8 years ago would be embarrassing or I would be discouraged and defeated.   For a time they did.  NOW, nope.  I have learned so much from life, and being able to share that with women who feel that embarrassment or defeated feeling right now, and showing them that it isn't permanent,  and it is an amazing feeling.

My boys... oh my boys.   Caleb just turned 16.  It scares the absolute crap out of me, but my goodness he is such a good kid.   He has developed into being a smart ass like his mom, but in a good way!     He has his high school struggles.  Some with kids, mostly with grades.   He has seem to have found his "people", in the show choir.   He has so much fun, and does such an amazing job up on stage.  I am beyond proud of him.  His handsome face, and amazing smile is just the icing on the cake.

Jonah, my smarty pants boy, with his contagious smile.   He is continuing his streak as an honor roll student.  He has made honor roll every trimester for the last 3 years, and I have no doubt that will continue.   He is almost as tall as me now, and sadly just as graceful lol!  He has had 3 big injuries in the last year, mostly due to clumsiness or sports.   He pushes himself daily to be a better athlete.  He had an amazing baseballs season, including a broken elbow, but pushed through and played hard when he returned and made the All Start team for the second year in a row.  A successful regular season team the Mets won the 2019 TOC Title, as well as the 12U All Start Team won the District 15 Champion Title as well.

Zechariah had a rough year in 4th grade due to a teacher who was retiring and just didn't give a crap.  In turn it has effected his grades (which I am not mad at, he can't teach himself) but most of all it hurt his self confidence.   He wanted to make honor roll so badly, and when "friends" did, and rubbed it in his face, and with a teacher who made him feel like he needed to be punished for it, it was defeating none the less.   He did have a great baseball season as well, making the All Star team for the first time.  His team the Yankees won their TOC Championships, and the 10U All Star Team won their District title.   Zechariah has tuned into my lovey mommy boy.   His smile when he looks at me, the love I see in his eyes for me, makes me understand that there is NOTHING more healing than a mommy who love and encourages her baby.

My baby boy Levi.  Man is he a typical baby of the family.   His beautiful face gets him away with so much.  A major smarty pants in school.  He won 2 awards for reading in 2nd grade, and achieved great marks on his report card as well as comments from his teachers.   Baseball was good for him as well, he loves he game and played very well this year.  He also made the Farm Future All Star game this year.   He is hoping to learn how to pitch over the next few months so he can be a pitcher in minors next year.






I wish I could continue and say that I have met someone amazing who has changed my life. (I kind of thought I did, but it is what it is right?) Yeah not in the cards for me at this time.  Although I will say this.  I  have always been told that I am too picky, that I  need to lower my standards when it comes to the men I choose to date.   How about NO.   I  am not picky, I just know the type of person that will compliment my life.   The type of person who I would want to be a part of my children's lives.  Not just anyone deserves to be a part of my life, or those of my boys.   It will take an amazing person to be allowed that privilege.   I know that I am not tall, or have an amazing body, or a stunning face.  I know I am getting older and with that comes wrinkles and a little grey hair.    But here is what I do have to offer the right person.   Kindness, Caring, Faithfulness, Fun, Laughs, Smiles, Comfort, Support, and for the right person all the love that I can give  I also have nice hair, great smile, and boobs so there is that! LOL    And I know one day there will be someone who will appreciate that and cherish it. 

Until then as always I will continue to be the best mom I can be.  The one who is at every practice, game, lunch on the lawn, conference, assembly, performance.   I will always be the mom who my boys can depend on, no matter what.   There should never be a question in their minds if I will be there for them.   That is the mom I choose to be!  Every day ... not just for Facebook or Instagram.   But EVER DAY OF THEIR LIVES!   I want my boys to enjoy their childhood and have great memories of how they were raised.  

Guess that is it for the comeback post....   hopefully I will have more fun stuff to share soon.

Raising Prince Charming…

I had a conversation with someone at work a few weeks ago, and she was saying how she is teaching her daughters that fairy tales are a joke, that there are no happy endings, boys/men are not princes, that they need to learn how to do things themselves and never thing that a man is going to save them.  

And I agree with this, I really do.  I have always been independent.  I made it a point in my life never to need someone to take care of me.  I had my own place, my own car, my own everything before I settled down and got married and started a family. 

HOWEVER….  I have a different mentality when raising my boys.  So this is what I told my co-worker.  "I am doing my best to raise my boys to be that Prince Charming!"  

My goal as a parent is to raise my boys to be men who would be considered a prince charming.  Whom a woman would be proud to have him by her side.  That her parents would never have a doubt in his intentions or his love for their daughter.  

Teaching them respect for themselves as well as others, both mentally and physically.  To be gentlemen, open doors, say please and thank you, to express their feelings openly and when appropriate.  

I may have not found a prince charming, but I was able to give life to four little boys who have all the potential of being amazing, solid, loving. and of course handsome Prince Charmings.    

Now I just hope that there are four mothers out there that are raising young independent women who can take care of themselves and don't expect to be treated as a princess, but will appreciate it when they are.  

New Year …. Same Dreams…. Hopefully Different Resutls

Ah another new year to reset the hopes and dreams on what is to come in life.  

First let me reflect on 2015.   

I still weight the same.
I still look the same. 
I still parent the same. 
I still have the same job. 
I still have four children. 
I am still single. 

Yup it was a progressive year for me…. I am joking.  I pushed through the year as always, making good decisions, making some bad ones.  I continue to allow my self to be trusting in people, even when there are me moments that I know I shouldn't.   I do NOT look at 2015 as a bad year, at all.  There were a few moments of weakness, a few tears, a few heartaches.  But there were SO MANY laughs, smiles, victories and happiness.  

My children, oh my children!  Coming to reality that I have an almost teenager with all of the things that go along with that is mind boggling to me!   Caleb is now over 2 inches taller than me, the peach fuzz mustache has appeared.  He gets an attitude more than he used to, we argue a bit, but he is still an incredible young man.    Jonah, my smarty pants love bug.  He is growing like a weed, and is developing his own sense of style and I appreciate that about him.   Zechariah, my little rebel/class clown.  He is always finding new ways to make everyone laugh, although somewhat inappropriate at times he is a nut and I love him.  My baby Levi, he is a typical baby of the family, and I am so sad that time is going is going so fast.  


There are people in my life who have always been there for me, either in person, by phone, by text message.  But there are few who just what I need and just when I need it!  And to those of you, THANK YOU!   To my DFM crew, as always I love you all and hoping we can plan a trip this year?? Every other year right??   

So on to 2016 right?  I just want to live my life.  I want to be happy, I want to continue to be the best parent I can be to my boys.  To make sure that their homework is done, that they are getting good grades, to get them to baseball practice and football practice on time.  To help them in any way, and be the parent that their children want to be with and want to talk to.  

I don't plan on making any goals or any resolutions.  Other than maybe declutter.  But I started that a month ago! :)  

I want to live my life positive and happy and appreciative and thankful.   I know not every day will seem that way, but I am hopeful that most of them will be.  

To my friends and family, I wish you all the joy and happiness that you desire and are willing to work to achieve.  

Love you all! 

Tiffany 

To my boys...

Caleb, Jonah, Zechariah & Levi....


I normally write about life, and my hopes and dreams.... today I write to you.  My boys, my life, my heart, my reason for living.  

These are things that I want to express to you... to teach you... to show you.... to help you become amazing men.  Not so that you will find a good wife (or husband :) ), but so that you will just BE A AN AMAZING MAN! 

I wish for all of you to be the amazing men that I imagine you to be.  I look at you four now and I see such handsome, smart, polite, funny, sweet, loving boys.  And I know in the years to come that I will see handsome, smart, polite, funny, sweet, loving men.  

I wish for you all to pursue your dreams.  And although your dreams may be big, I know that you can achieve them.  But always know that they will never be achieved by being lazy, complacent, passive, ignorant, uneducated, or negative.  Stay focused on your goals.  Know where you want to be and make a plan on how to get there.  

I wish for you to fall in love.  I want your love to be deep and true and last a lifetime.  There is a 99% chance that you will "fall in love" when you are young.  But before declaring your love and tossing aside all of your dreams for someone, please know that true love will stick around and help you accomplish your dreams.  And if you don't get what I am saying... I will make it clear.  Do not fall in love at 18 years old and decide to marry the first girl you feel you are in love with because that is what you are supposed to do.   Go to college, find your trade, travel, build a life for yourself so that you can prove to someone that you are capable of completing a goal and sticking through hard times to reach your potential.  Be THAT guy.... the one who built is own life and was complete as himself.  And find THAT person who is the same.  Strive to be better at all times, and find someone with the same outlooks and trust me THAT love will be strong and amazing. 

I wish for you to always know how much I adore each of you.  My life wouldn't be complete without each and every one of you.  You were all created for ME!! (Ok maybe your dad too... but for this post I will say for me!)  As you each came into my life my heart grew....  I never knew my heart could love so much until I looked at each of you in the eyes for the first time.  Everything I do, or don't do, I do with the best intentions for you guys.  I try so hard to be the best mom that I can be.  I know there are times I have failed miserably (and I have so many more years to go!) but I know we have had our share of great times too! 

I wish for you to always be gentlemen.  Always open doors, say please, thank you, excuse me and your welcome.  If you are pouring yourself a drink and someone else is there, offer one to them as well.  If your getting up to grab a snack, ask someone else if they would like one too.   If you ask someone on a date, always be prepared to pay, never expect to split a tab.  Always open/close doors for the person you are with.  (or if they are independent, always at least offer)  Do not hit, push, or use words to hurt those around you.  Those are actions of weakness, not of strength. 

I wish for you to always respect those around you.  Friends, family, co-workers....    Watch your boundries with the things you do and say.  Respect the time of others!  Never be late to an interview, meeting, or date, that is showing someone that you disrespect their time.   

I wish for you to be affectionate, but know when it is appropriate.  Being an affectionate man is such an important aspect in life.  Knowing when it is needed, appreciated and expected.  But in the same regard, know when it is not needed or shouldn't be displayed.   

I wish for you to be friends.  I tell you all the time that when you grow up that your brothers will be your BEST friends.  And I know that is going to be true.  The age, distance or anything for that matter will not make a difference.  You four are so lucky to have one another.   Give it time....  you will see!  


I will try my hardest over the years to instill in you four all the values and lessons that need to be learned for you to continue on your path to be amazing men, who contribute to people, society, to life in general.  You have purpose.  You have a lifetime of amazing things ahead of you and I cannot wait to see them come to pass.  


I love you boys with all of my heart, soul and being....     

Mommy

I am ....

Anyone who knew me when I graduated high school can attest to the fact that I am pretty much look the same as I did when I graduated back in (gasp) 1992!!   A few gray hairs and a few wrinkles... my body shape has changed a bit due to my 4 little monsters... but for the most part, I wear the same size clothes as I did back then.  

I didn't have a bunch of guys lined up at my door then, and I was always self conscious that boys always befriended me to get close to my friends.  There was always that one boy who had my heart, the one I met my first day of 6th grade at Sequoia Elementary...   My heart still skips a beat when I see him.    I dated off and on after high school.  Never anything really serious.  Every time there was someone who I thought was THE ONE something or someone came to bust that bubble.  

When I met Mike he was not someone I would have immediately said he is THE ONE.   I mean he was not my typical type.  But he was nice, he was fun, he was handsome.  And he showed interest in ME!  

I do not write this to bag on Mike.  We now know that most of the things I am about to write about where Mike's excuses for his own desires not being met.  

Mike and I met when we were 24, started dating when we were 25, married by 27 and began our family at 28.  We split when we were 36.  SO that being said, for about 10 years I was always lead to believe I was not good enough.  There was always a reason why he didn't want to hold my hand or snuggle with me, or be intimate as often as I tried.  "If you would just lose weight, it would be better" "I am just not that attracted to you"  Keep in mind when Mike proposed to me I weighed about 25 pounds more than I did when he walked out the door.   All the years of rejection that was drilled in my head was because I was too fat, or not attractive.  I couldn't understand why I was good enough when he proposed but not good enough after we got married. But the reality IS I just wasn't the right sex for HIM.  

Coming out of the mindset of you are not good enough, if only I wore a certain size THEN I will be attractive... THEN a man will want me..... THEN I will be worthy of affection love and desire.   This has been a continual process for me.  

Would I like to loose weight ...  SURE.... Have I tried... YUP.... Do I stick with it ... Not apparently!   But here is what I do know.    I AM good enough, just the way I am.  And there are men, handsome, successful, fun, who think I am great.   I am a pretty good woman.  I am a catch! LOL  If I can find someone to accept me and my boys and make a long term go at it....  awesome... if not I am OK just being me and having fun.   

And speaking of having fun....  It has come to my attention that someone I know feels that my standards are too high, that I only want a good looking buffed man... and that is just keeping my standards too high.    So here is what I have to say to that... fuck off!!!    

Yes i do have a "type", and my DFM friends tease me "oh yeah... buffed and tattoos thats your type"  There is a typical type of man that I am attracted to.  Does that mean that is the only type of guy I will date... no, it just may not be an immediate attraction.   

But here is what I know.  I recently met a gorgeous, tall, smart, successful, 28 year old that thinks I am the shit!   He normally dates older women... awesome... he prefers "not skinny" women  MORE AWESOME!!   Please hear me when I say this guy is pretty dang hot, as my one of my friends likes to refer to him as "superman/Clark Kent"  We had a blast together.  I am hoping it will continue but hell who knows.   

There is this other guy that I know who consistently tells me how gorgeous I am.   I always question him, his motives and what is he thinking saying that.  I tell him it is filters on my pictures, or angles or photoshop.  And then he will look me in the eye and say when I say you are beautiful I am looking at you not thinking about your pictures.   And he makes me believe it.  It has been the most liberating "relationship" for me.  I feel beautiful, no matter what size I am.  And coming from 10+ years of thinking I wasn't good enough, it is a great point to be at in my life.  

The last 3 years I have learned that I am good enough, and there are men out there who find me attractive.  There is more to me than where I shop or the size of my jeans.   There is my sparkly eyes, big smile, awesome long hair, cute little nose and the big boobs help too! :)    No matter what life throws at me, I know my marriage didn't fail because I am not good enough....   my marriage failed because I was missing an essential body part... LOL    Have a great night!  

I am happy for you....

Today alone, I have seen 3 anniversary posts, 2 engagement posts, and 5 my hubby is so awesome posts on social media.   PLEASE do not get me wrong.  I AM truly beyond happy for anyone that finds love and is able to have someone in their life that loves them.  It honestly gives me hope that one day I will find that.  

These are the posts that piss me off.  "My husband never buys me flowers anymore."   "My boyfriend just watches football all day"   "UGH... what does it take for him to take out the damn garbage"   

Here is the deal ladies. (and men) APPRECIATE what you have. Does your husband/boyfriend/partner/whatever tell you they love you?   Do they hold your hand and hug you?  Are they there to hold you at night?  Spend more time complimenting and appreciating and caring for your loved one instead of bashing and insulting them ... on social media... in person... to your family etc.   

Time is precious.  Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.  Is taking the garbage out yourself instead of complaining about it THAT BAD?  Why don't you watch football with them and do something he enjoys.  When is the last time you bought something for them that they enjoy?  Think of life WITHOUT that person, and how bad that would be.  Life with them is amazing, cherish it. 

3 Year Mark....

It is unbelievable to me that 3 years has passed since my life was flipped upside down. 

On 9/11/2011 I believe I was at the lowest point (or at least I hope it was) I will ever be in my life.  My heart had been ripped to shreds and tossed aside to rot away.  I cried more in the days that followed more than I have the rest of my adult life.  My heart was hollow and empty, my mind was full of whys, hows, whens, and ifs.  

On 9/11/2014 I will wake up in the morning smiling.  Strong, happy, confident, satisfied and content.  Do I have everything in life I would like?  With the exception of very little, I can proudly say yes.   It will take a special person to come into my life to make it possibly better than it is now.  Because in my heart I know I am full of mistakes and hopes, love and doubts, smiles and tears, happiness and stress.  Because I am alive.... I am well, I am a mommy to my four baby boys.   I am a one of a kind woman....   I can say that clearly and proudly.  

Here is to the next 3 years and what may be in my future!!!    Hope everyone has an amazing day.... Be Happy, Be Proud, Expect great things......  you have breath....   breath deep and know that life is always a blessing!

Will I ever have that again....

A friend of mine is experiencing some difficulties early in her pregnancy that are similar to the problems I had when I was pregnant with Caleb.  As I sat here today thinking about what to say to her, and what advice to give, I remembered back to the day I was 31 weeks pregnant.... 

We were at a party for my moms birthday.  I had on one of my favorite skirts....   I had just finished shopping for the remainder of the bedding and accessories for Caleb's bedroom.  I had brought everything in to the house and was showing everyone.   I remember standing in the entry way to my moms house talking to my mom and Mike.... and I felt something drip down my leg.... I thought to myself OMG I just peed myself.... but as I looked down I saw that it was blood.  Then a few seconds later, it was just a gush.... I panicked.   Mike stayed uncharacteristically calm, my mom kept insisting I lay down on the couch... I told her there is no way I am walking across your cream carpet to lay down on your white couch!!   I sat down on the tile entryway and waited.   

Gratefully the fire station was right around the corner so emergency response was there quite fast.  Remember we were at a party.... yeah not fun with 50 people staring at you as you are bleeding, and put on a stretcher and a paramedic is looking up your skirt!  LOL  

This part is the point of this entire post.... I remember being in the ambulance and the question was asked....  If it comes down to me or the baby what do we want to do.  Immediately Mike answered save her....    He looked and me and told me we could always have another baby, but he couldn't do that if I wasn't there.   I remember after all the craziness died down, thinking to myself wow... this man really loves me.   He would give up his son because he loves me so much.  

What happened to that love over the years? And my bigger question now, is.... will there ever be anyone who will love me like that again.  It has been almost three years since he left me.  I have gone on a few dates.  Made some great friends, and met some not so great men.  And I often sit and wonder why is it that I am still alone.  I had one man tell me the fact that I have four young kids is the reason he wouldn't date me on a serious level.  I hear a lot of "your awesome ... but..."   "Your too good for me...."  blah blah blah.   The fact remains that it is hard to deal with every day life alone.  I don't need someone to take care of me and my kids.  I just want someone to want to.... Someone who cares enough to text me and see how my day is going.  Who wants to take me away for the weekend.   Someone who feels I am worthy of love.... no matter how many kids I have, or if my ex is gay, or that I don't work out 4 hours a day to have the perfect body.   Someone who appreciates that I am smart, and creative, that I love sports, and I am a kick ass mom.   I am hoping that one day soon that person comes along before I give up on hope in that person exists.  

That is my vent for the day....   I am still happy with my life and know that I am in a better place that I have been in the past.  But sometimes these feelings must be shared along with the positive.    Happy Monday everyone...   Live your life with love, faith and joy!   

Who I want my boys to be....

For the last two weeks I have been trying to convince Caleb to stay 10 for one more year! LOL   My bubs turns 11 tomorrow and I see how much he is maturing and growing up and I don't want it to stop, but I would sure has hell like it to slow down a little bit!  


At 11 years old Caleb has been through quite a bit and has still managed to be a well adjusted young man.  He is so intelligent, and artistic and fun to be around.   I love that he is still a kid!  He doesn't try and act older than he is.  

Last night we went out to a restaurant that has video games etc.  There were tons of people, lots of kids etc.  The kids really just ran around and played video games the entire time.  When we were driving home I asked if he had fun.   He said yes but some kids were getting on his nerves.  I asked why....  his reply "this kid kept cussing.... like BAD words.... "   Then went on to say how horrible it was and he was right around his age and he couldn't' believe this kid was talking like that.   

I appreciate the fact that my son knows that language is not acceptable for a child.  And that fact that he is disturbed by it makes me happy.  


I have found myself really trying to make an impact on my boys.  Showing them how they should treat women is a big thing of what I want to express to them.    One day we walked down to 7-Eleven and got a treat.... as we were walking out, there was a young girl who was coming in, and Caleb was a gentleman and held the door, but then the other boys preceded to walk out....  When we were all outside I stopped them and said hey guys... I want to explain something to you.  If you EVER come to a door and there is a girl, woman, young lady etc. trying to come in, always hold the door open and let them come in/out first.  They reply but why....  I just replied because that is what men should do.  And their response was OK!    

We were listening to the radio the other day and that dumb song came on that talks about wanting to get married but the parents aid no, but I'm going to marry her anyway.  The kids are signing along (I love it when they sing their hearts out in the car!)  and I turned it down and told them plain and simple..... if you ever ask a girls parents to marry their daughter and they say no, don't you ever thing about marrying her anyway!!!   If they say no there is a reason.... find out what the reason is!!   
 
 
I am going to share a story of what I DO NOT want my kids to be...   I have been doing this online dating thing for a bit now.  It is really horrible.  I am picky I know I am, and I was really trying to go outside my typical comfort zone when it came to the type of person I was willing to try and get to know.   


So I had met this person online named Tony....  not my typical type (other than the fact that he had tattoos)  He was a little older than I thought I would be interested.  But after talking for a couple weeks, we decided to meet up in person and see how it would go from there.    The simple version is we met in a public face, he talked to me for all of 20 seconds and said he wanted to move his car closer to mine, and he would be right back.  And the trusting moron I am I sat there and waited for 20 minutes for him to come back. I left completely devastated and embarrassed.  Did I look that bad?  Ugh it was really a bad shot to my self esteem.  And I sat back and replayed some of the conversations we had had, and one comment he made is that he had a 16 year old daughter and how he wants to be the kind of man that he would like is daughter to date.  uhhhhh may want to rethink that one mister.   I didn't give him the satisfaction of a call or text asking why....  And took some friends advice and chalked it up to he was probably an asshole anyway and he did me a favor. 

I try and influence the boys that women need to be respected and loved.  Teaching them to be happy, smart, confident, affectionate, not afraid of feelings etc are all things that men "real" men should be able to express.   I don't want my boys to grow up and be closed off, "macho" men who act like a-holes to women....   I want my boys to be the kind of boys that a girls parent would be delighted to have my son date their daughter. 

Each of my boys have special qualities that make them unique, but raising them to have value as a young man is very important to me.  Physical strength is important as a man, but being strong in mind and spirit is just as important.  Teaching them that life isn't always fair, but to always strive for more.  To know that their mom would do anything fort them. 

New home... new start....

I am happy to say that I am completely moved in and settled into my new home!  I feel so AMAZING!  I was worried that without the help of my dad and stop mom that I would be stressed out, and not know how to handle the house, kids, work etc....  But the opposite has happened.  I feel more organized, energized, satisfied and content.  

The big move was last weekend, and that first night as I sat on the couch looking at the piles and piles of boxes I thought OH MY GOSH.... I am never going to get all of this done.   But Sunday morning N came over with the boys (Jonah was home sick with Mike) and he helped me put all the kids beds together and move some things around.  (Thanks N! I appreciate it!... can't wait for you to come back and finish hanging stuff up!)   And all week I just unpacked and unpacked and unpacked, organized, organized, organized...... along with you know that pesky thing called work!  I was able to in less than a week be all ready and done in the new house.  There are still some things that need to be hung up on the walls.  But for the most part, EVERY box has been unpacked and everything has been put in its proper place!! WOO HOO!!!  

And on TOP of the amazing news of my new house I received my final divorce papers in the mail.  It is finally OFFICIAL....   I honestly thought I would have an emotional moment when I saw those papers.  But it didn't happen that way....  I was excited and happy about it.  It all happened in the most perfect timing.   I am forever grateful to have known, loved, and remain best friends with Mike.... the fact that I have the four most amazing boys makes every tear, sob, mental breakdown worth it.  (Don't get me wrong, we had a lot of amazing, happy, fun times too)  But now as an official single woman, I feel damned good!  


I have a new outlook on myself.  I know there are things that I need to improve on in my own self.  I am working on that.  I am starting by presenting myself the best that I can possibly can.  I am trying to make sure that my outer me truly represents how the inner me feels.   It helps that it is spring and love wearing dresses and heels this time of year!!   Trying to always wear a smile, and get away from that constant frown that tends to appear in my eyebrows!   I can't be happy if I don't make it happen.   I do not need anyone to make me happy and satisfied with myself and my life.  I need me....    and as a result of me being happy, my boys will see the changes in my attitude and life and will reap the benefits of it!   

Happy Friday everyone.... live life to the fullest!!  Enjoy your weekend! 

Sometimes a song....

Sometimes the words of a song can open up your eyes in many ways.  A couple of weeks ago I purchased Prism by Katy Perry....   The song BY THE GRACE OF GOD is AMAZING!

Here are the lyrics: 

Was 27 surviving my return to Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron melting
Running on empty, so out of gas

Thought I wasn't enough and I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it any more

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
There is no more morning oh I
Can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth will set you free

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out

That way no
There ain't no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love (in the name of love)
That way
There ain't no
I'm not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

Songwriters
PERRY, KATY / WELLS, GREG

Published by
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

Anyone who is close to me at this point in my life knows that being close to God isn't where I am.  I have my own bitterness and issues that I need to work on.  

But the words of this song are so very true to me and my situation.  This is exactly how I feel/felt.  I felt that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't worthy of love, that somehow this was all my fault.  And now I am at the point where I look in the mirror and know the opposite is true.   I am learning to accept compliments from people in particular men. I know that everything that we go through in life is a lesson and develops yet another part of our minds, hearts and soul into the person we are meant to be. 

As I continue to grow and learn and develop more into the woman I was meant to be I see more and more the areas that need improvement and the parts that are pretty damn good!!  

 

If you read my blog regularly you might remember that last year I posted how I wanted a tattoo that says "I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it."   Well I finally did get that tattoo!  It says " I was given this life and I am Strong enough to live it"  I have those words placed around an anchor.  

 

The anchor to me signifies strength.  The tide is strong and the anchor holds the ship in place even as the waves and tide try and take it away.   That is what this means to me.    This is my every day reminder of who I am, who I am meant to be.  I was able to pick myself up out of the lowest of lows to learn once again who I am and what I can become!   

That is all for today!  I hope everyone has had a great day today! 

Torn between "Good Woman" and "Crazy Stressed Mom"

Today my son Caleb received recognition for making Honor Roll at his school  This is his 2nd Quarter in a row, and I am beyond proud of him.  He is so incredibly smart (like me... no really!) but in the same breath I must say he gets his laziness from me too!  I could have done so well in school but I did just enough to get by so I could play sports, not enough to excel!  I tell him that all the time..... HE WILL BE BETTER THAN I EVER WAS!!!!     

So today we were all at his school (Myself, Mike and N) for Caleb's Honor Roll presentation.  I was in the kitchen area helping another mom prepare the snacks that were going to be provided to the kids.  We were talking back and forth about our kids... how many... ages etc.   So after when the kids were getting their snacks Mike came and handed me my purse and let me know he spilled my coffee (PUNK YOU OWE ME ONE!!) and we were joking back and forth, N came over and said a couple things I can't remember what.  So as N was walking away, the girl recognized him and asked is that .....  I went to school with his sister.  I said oh yeah it is....   So then she asks does he have a kid here?  OH HERE WE GO....  I said no, that is my kids dads boyfriend.  Her poor eyes got so huge... she just said OH....  then a second later said "The way you said that and the way you talk to them speaks highly of the type of person you are."   I said thank you and that was the end of the conversation.  

I got to thinking.  It isn't that I haven't heard that before.  I hear it a lot from people I know, but haven't really experienced it with someone who didn't know me personally.  And I know that I have handled my life with a grace that not many people could have.  I get that, and I am very proud of myself that I have.  Anyone who is very close to me knows that I had my share of crying, begging, screaming and depression over the entire thing.... but if you are not close family or in my close circle of friends... you probably didn't see very much of that.  (With the exception of my IG/Facebook outlash in July! Give me a break it was the only one!!)  But when I hear people tell me I am a good person..... I automatically go back to last week when the kids had been with me for 10 days straight and I blurted out "I am ready for you guys to go to your dads for the weekend" and I go to the fact that my Christmas tree is still up in my living room.  And I have a pile of laundry that needs to be done.  I haven't vacuumed the floor in over two weeks....  That I have put off making a dentist appointment for the boys for months.  I focus on all of the things that I should be doing better!    I am guessing that is what most people do??? I don't know.   A good person.... but a crazy stressed mom!

But here is a recent realization for me.  I am a BAD ASS MOM!!!  If the worse thing someone can say about me as a mom is that my house is messy.... I am OK with that!   My kids ALWAYS have clean clothes to wear.  They were nice, matched, ironed clothes daily to school.  If they want hot lunch they have money for that... if they want cold lunch I make it.  If they need a volunteer in their class I am there.... If they need a team mom I am usually the idiot that volunteers.  I make every sporting event and even most practices.   They are clean, well fed, well behaved, happy, spoiled, amazing kids!  Do I make a full meal every night?  NOPE....  sometimes they eat eggs and toast for dinner.... sometimes we GASP!!!! grab fast food!!!   My heart, life, devotion, everything revolves around these boys.  I work to support them, I do my photography to allow me to be able to spoil them a bit.  I cherish every second I have with them.  Even if they are making me crazy.  Which they do quite often.    If my kids can look back and remember that I was always there for them, encouraging them, doing whatever I could to make their life successful and know that I love them with all of my being, that I put them before I ever put myself.  Then I am a good woman....