Before everyone loses their shit about the title..... These are MY thoughts. Things I need to process in my own mind and life.
I have been overweight more than half my life. I started high school thinking I was fat at 130 lbs. I was a cheerleader, athlete and was very active. Then one summer I got lazy and the weight started packing on. Even with the weight, I was still an athlete, my senior year I was still a cheerleader, but dated very little throughout high school.
In my early 20's I dropped some weight, then of course had a boyfriend, then got my heart broken, and the weight came back on.
Mid 20's, met my ex husband, dated, got engaged, dropped weight, got married, had baby #1 within 1 year of getting married, dropped all but 10 lbs pretty quick. (Not bad for being on bed rest for at least 3 months). Flash forward 4 years later, baby 2, 6 years baby 3 and 8 years baby 4. Although I cannot say I kept on baby weight, all of that usually went away pretty quick.
My weight was always thrown in my face by my ex. If you would only lose weight our marriage could be better. If you would look better I would be more attracted to you. I developed the worst self confidence anyone could possibly imagine. I since then have always had doubt on why anyone would want to be with me.
Eight years later I am still overweight. It is a battle I sometimes think I will never win. I take a selfie and think damn I am cute. Then I will see a picture someone else takes and I see what other people see. I see why I am single. I am pretty, I am smart, I am a great mom, I am a great friend. I dress nice, I am fun and social...but reality is I am fat. No guy wants the fat girl. (Disclaimer - it isn't that NO ONE has wanted to date me, but they tend to be the emotionally unavailable, live no where near me, or not single and I am picky)
Ok the reason for the post. I am really trying to gather myself and lose some weight. I know it is a process, I know that it takes time and commitment this isn't something I haven't dealt with before. But it is time for me to learn how to put myself first once and a while and do what is best for me. I am starting a six week challenge through a program done by an old friend of mine from Colorado. I will be held accountable for my food and checking in. I will be held accountable for my success and failure. I have a small window between baseball and basketball where I can mentally focus on myself just a little bit. So here I go. Do I need to be 130 lbs again? No, not even close to being my goal. I have simple goals, to see my collar bones again. To not have a double chin. To be able to rock heels and not feel like my ankles are going to break after an hour lol.
Why share this? Because it gives me more people to be accountable to. And also to say if you didn't like me when I was fat, you don't deserve me when I am not. Just saying! (kidding... kind of)
Regardless of how well or not so well I do. I mentally know I am still worthy of love regardless of how I look. I know that the "right" person is out there. I don't do this to land someone, I do this because I am not dumb and know that being physically attracted to someone is super important. I know if I FEELbetter, I will project how I am feeling in how I look. I know that any change I make to better my health is better for myself and for my boys. One day at a time.... one week at a time and hopefully one pound at a time (times like 80 lol).
Wednesday, July 31, 2019
Monday, July 22, 2019
FOUR years too many....
Not much has changed from the outside looking in. But coming up on the 8 year mark, I am still a single mom with four boys.
But I really believe the mom that I am, has developed even further. I no longer look to other people for acceptance, as a mom, friend, woman. I know who I am. I am proud of who I have become. I have found real friends who accept me, and are so much like me I can't believe I lived so many years without them.
I am happy to say I have been a "go to" to other women who are going through a similar situations that I have. This makes me exceptionally proud of myself. You would think that the trials that we experienced almost 8 years ago would be embarrassing or I would be discouraged and defeated. For a time they did. NOW, nope. I have learned so much from life, and being able to share that with women who feel that embarrassment or defeated feeling right now, and showing them that it isn't permanent, and it is an amazing feeling.
My boys... oh my boys. Caleb just turned 16. It scares the absolute crap out of me, but my goodness he is such a good kid. He has developed into being a smart ass like his mom, but in a good way! He has his high school struggles. Some with kids, mostly with grades. He has seem to have found his "people", in the show choir. He has so much fun, and does such an amazing job up on stage. I am beyond proud of him. His handsome face, and amazing smile is just the icing on the cake.
Jonah, my smarty pants boy, with his contagious smile. He is continuing his streak as an honor roll student. He has made honor roll every trimester for the last 3 years, and I have no doubt that will continue. He is almost as tall as me now, and sadly just as graceful lol! He has had 3 big injuries in the last year, mostly due to clumsiness or sports. He pushes himself daily to be a better athlete. He had an amazing baseballs season, including a broken elbow, but pushed through and played hard when he returned and made the All Start team for the second year in a row. A successful regular season team the Mets won the 2019 TOC Title, as well as the 12U All Start Team won the District 15 Champion Title as well.
Zechariah had a rough year in 4th grade due to a teacher who was retiring and just didn't give a crap. In turn it has effected his grades (which I am not mad at, he can't teach himself) but most of all it hurt his self confidence. He wanted to make honor roll so badly, and when "friends" did, and rubbed it in his face, and with a teacher who made him feel like he needed to be punished for it, it was defeating none the less. He did have a great baseball season as well, making the All Star team for the first time. His team the Yankees won their TOC Championships, and the 10U All Star Team won their District title. Zechariah has tuned into my lovey mommy boy. His smile when he looks at me, the love I see in his eyes for me, makes me understand that there is NOTHING more healing than a mommy who love and encourages her baby.
My baby boy Levi. Man is he a typical baby of the family. His beautiful face gets him away with so much. A major smarty pants in school. He won 2 awards for reading in 2nd grade, and achieved great marks on his report card as well as comments from his teachers. Baseball was good for him as well, he loves he game and played very well this year. He also made the Farm Future All Star game this year. He is hoping to learn how to pitch over the next few months so he can be a pitcher in minors next year.
I wish I could continue and say that I have met someone amazing who has changed my life. (I kind of thought I did, but it is what it is right?) Yeah not in the cards for me at this time. Although I will say this. I have always been told that I am too picky, that I need to lower my standards when it comes to the men I choose to date. How about NO. I am not picky, I just know the type of person that will compliment my life. The type of person who I would want to be a part of my children's lives. Not just anyone deserves to be a part of my life, or those of my boys. It will take an amazing person to be allowed that privilege. I know that I am not tall, or have an amazing body, or a stunning face. I know I am getting older and with that comes wrinkles and a little grey hair. But here is what I do have to offer the right person. Kindness, Caring, Faithfulness, Fun, Laughs, Smiles, Comfort, Support, and for the right person all the love that I can give I also have nice hair, great smile, and boobs so there is that! LOL And I know one day there will be someone who will appreciate that and cherish it.
Until then as always I will continue to be the best mom I can be. The one who is at every practice, game, lunch on the lawn, conference, assembly, performance. I will always be the mom who my boys can depend on, no matter what. There should never be a question in their minds if I will be there for them. That is the mom I choose to be! Every day ... not just for Facebook or Instagram. But EVER DAY OF THEIR LIVES! I want my boys to enjoy their childhood and have great memories of how they were raised.
Guess that is it for the comeback post.... hopefully I will have more fun stuff to share soon.
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Raising Prince Charming…
I had a conversation with someone at work a few weeks ago, and she was saying how she is teaching her daughters that fairy tales are a joke, that there are no happy endings, boys/men are not princes, that they need to learn how to do things themselves and never thing that a man is going to save them.
And I agree with this, I really do. I have always been independent. I made it a point in my life never to need someone to take care of me. I had my own place, my own car, my own everything before I settled down and got married and started a family.
HOWEVER…. I have a different mentality when raising my boys. So this is what I told my co-worker. "I am doing my best to raise my boys to be that Prince Charming!"
My goal as a parent is to raise my boys to be men who would be considered a prince charming. Whom a woman would be proud to have him by her side. That her parents would never have a doubt in his intentions or his love for their daughter.
Teaching them respect for themselves as well as others, both mentally and physically. To be gentlemen, open doors, say please and thank you, to express their feelings openly and when appropriate.
I may have not found a prince charming, but I was able to give life to four little boys who have all the potential of being amazing, solid, loving. and of course handsome Prince Charmings.
Now I just hope that there are four mothers out there that are raising young independent women who can take care of themselves and don't expect to be treated as a princess, but will appreciate it when they are.
And I agree with this, I really do. I have always been independent. I made it a point in my life never to need someone to take care of me. I had my own place, my own car, my own everything before I settled down and got married and started a family.
HOWEVER…. I have a different mentality when raising my boys. So this is what I told my co-worker. "I am doing my best to raise my boys to be that Prince Charming!"
My goal as a parent is to raise my boys to be men who would be considered a prince charming. Whom a woman would be proud to have him by her side. That her parents would never have a doubt in his intentions or his love for their daughter.
Teaching them respect for themselves as well as others, both mentally and physically. To be gentlemen, open doors, say please and thank you, to express their feelings openly and when appropriate.
I may have not found a prince charming, but I was able to give life to four little boys who have all the potential of being amazing, solid, loving. and of course handsome Prince Charmings.
Now I just hope that there are four mothers out there that are raising young independent women who can take care of themselves and don't expect to be treated as a princess, but will appreciate it when they are.
Saturday, January 2, 2016
New Year …. Same Dreams…. Hopefully Different Resutls
Ah another new year to reset the hopes and dreams on what is to come in life.
First let me reflect on 2015.
I still weight the same.
I still look the same.
I still parent the same.
I still have the same job.
I still have four children.
I am still single.
Yup it was a progressive year for me…. I am joking. I pushed through the year as always, making good decisions, making some bad ones. I continue to allow my self to be trusting in people, even when there are me moments that I know I shouldn't. I do NOT look at 2015 as a bad year, at all. There were a few moments of weakness, a few tears, a few heartaches. But there were SO MANY laughs, smiles, victories and happiness.
My children, oh my children! Coming to reality that I have an almost teenager with all of the things that go along with that is mind boggling to me! Caleb is now over 2 inches taller than me, the peach fuzz mustache has appeared. He gets an attitude more than he used to, we argue a bit, but he is still an incredible young man. Jonah, my smarty pants love bug. He is growing like a weed, and is developing his own sense of style and I appreciate that about him. Zechariah, my little rebel/class clown. He is always finding new ways to make everyone laugh, although somewhat inappropriate at times he is a nut and I love him. My baby Levi, he is a typical baby of the family, and I am so sad that time is going is going so fast.
There are people in my life who have always been there for me, either in person, by phone, by text message. But there are few who just what I need and just when I need it! And to those of you, THANK YOU! To my DFM crew, as always I love you all and hoping we can plan a trip this year?? Every other year right??
So on to 2016 right? I just want to live my life. I want to be happy, I want to continue to be the best parent I can be to my boys. To make sure that their homework is done, that they are getting good grades, to get them to baseball practice and football practice on time. To help them in any way, and be the parent that their children want to be with and want to talk to.
I don't plan on making any goals or any resolutions. Other than maybe declutter. But I started that a month ago! :)
I want to live my life positive and happy and appreciative and thankful. I know not every day will seem that way, but I am hopeful that most of them will be.
To my friends and family, I wish you all the joy and happiness that you desire and are willing to work to achieve.
Love you all!
Tiffany
First let me reflect on 2015.
I still weight the same.
I still look the same.
I still parent the same.
I still have the same job.
I still have four children.
I am still single.
Yup it was a progressive year for me…. I am joking. I pushed through the year as always, making good decisions, making some bad ones. I continue to allow my self to be trusting in people, even when there are me moments that I know I shouldn't. I do NOT look at 2015 as a bad year, at all. There were a few moments of weakness, a few tears, a few heartaches. But there were SO MANY laughs, smiles, victories and happiness.
My children, oh my children! Coming to reality that I have an almost teenager with all of the things that go along with that is mind boggling to me! Caleb is now over 2 inches taller than me, the peach fuzz mustache has appeared. He gets an attitude more than he used to, we argue a bit, but he is still an incredible young man. Jonah, my smarty pants love bug. He is growing like a weed, and is developing his own sense of style and I appreciate that about him. Zechariah, my little rebel/class clown. He is always finding new ways to make everyone laugh, although somewhat inappropriate at times he is a nut and I love him. My baby Levi, he is a typical baby of the family, and I am so sad that time is going is going so fast.
There are people in my life who have always been there for me, either in person, by phone, by text message. But there are few who just what I need and just when I need it! And to those of you, THANK YOU! To my DFM crew, as always I love you all and hoping we can plan a trip this year?? Every other year right??
So on to 2016 right? I just want to live my life. I want to be happy, I want to continue to be the best parent I can be to my boys. To make sure that their homework is done, that they are getting good grades, to get them to baseball practice and football practice on time. To help them in any way, and be the parent that their children want to be with and want to talk to.
I don't plan on making any goals or any resolutions. Other than maybe declutter. But I started that a month ago! :)
I want to live my life positive and happy and appreciative and thankful. I know not every day will seem that way, but I am hopeful that most of them will be.
To my friends and family, I wish you all the joy and happiness that you desire and are willing to work to achieve.
Love you all!
Tiffany
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
To my boys...
Caleb, Jonah, Zechariah & Levi....
I normally write about life, and my hopes and dreams.... today I write to you. My boys, my life, my heart, my reason for living.
These are things that I want to express to you... to teach you... to show you.... to help you become amazing men. Not so that you will find a good wife (or husband :) ), but so that you will just BE A AN AMAZING MAN!
I wish for all of you to be the amazing men that I imagine you to be. I look at you four now and I see such handsome, smart, polite, funny, sweet, loving boys. And I know in the years to come that I will see handsome, smart, polite, funny, sweet, loving men.
I wish for you all to pursue your dreams. And although your dreams may be big, I know that you can achieve them. But always know that they will never be achieved by being lazy, complacent, passive, ignorant, uneducated, or negative. Stay focused on your goals. Know where you want to be and make a plan on how to get there.
I wish for you to fall in love. I want your love to be deep and true and last a lifetime. There is a 99% chance that you will "fall in love" when you are young. But before declaring your love and tossing aside all of your dreams for someone, please know that true love will stick around and help you accomplish your dreams. And if you don't get what I am saying... I will make it clear. Do not fall in love at 18 years old and decide to marry the first girl you feel you are in love with because that is what you are supposed to do. Go to college, find your trade, travel, build a life for yourself so that you can prove to someone that you are capable of completing a goal and sticking through hard times to reach your potential. Be THAT guy.... the one who built is own life and was complete as himself. And find THAT person who is the same. Strive to be better at all times, and find someone with the same outlooks and trust me THAT love will be strong and amazing.
I wish for you to always know how much I adore each of you. My life wouldn't be complete without each and every one of you. You were all created for ME!! (Ok maybe your dad too... but for this post I will say for me!) As you each came into my life my heart grew.... I never knew my heart could love so much until I looked at each of you in the eyes for the first time. Everything I do, or don't do, I do with the best intentions for you guys. I try so hard to be the best mom that I can be. I know there are times I have failed miserably (and I have so many more years to go!) but I know we have had our share of great times too!
I wish for you to always be gentlemen. Always open doors, say please, thank you, excuse me and your welcome. If you are pouring yourself a drink and someone else is there, offer one to them as well. If your getting up to grab a snack, ask someone else if they would like one too. If you ask someone on a date, always be prepared to pay, never expect to split a tab. Always open/close doors for the person you are with. (or if they are independent, always at least offer) Do not hit, push, or use words to hurt those around you. Those are actions of weakness, not of strength.
I wish for you to always respect those around you. Friends, family, co-workers.... Watch your boundries with the things you do and say. Respect the time of others! Never be late to an interview, meeting, or date, that is showing someone that you disrespect their time.
I wish for you to be affectionate, but know when it is appropriate. Being an affectionate man is such an important aspect in life. Knowing when it is needed, appreciated and expected. But in the same regard, know when it is not needed or shouldn't be displayed.
I wish for you to be friends. I tell you all the time that when you grow up that your brothers will be your BEST friends. And I know that is going to be true. The age, distance or anything for that matter will not make a difference. You four are so lucky to have one another. Give it time.... you will see!
I will try my hardest over the years to instill in you four all the values and lessons that need to be learned for you to continue on your path to be amazing men, who contribute to people, society, to life in general. You have purpose. You have a lifetime of amazing things ahead of you and I cannot wait to see them come to pass.
I love you boys with all of my heart, soul and being....
Mommy
Thursday, November 20, 2014
I am ....
Anyone who knew me when I graduated high school can attest to the fact that I am pretty much look the same as I did when I graduated back in (gasp) 1992!! A few gray hairs and a few wrinkles... my body shape has changed a bit due to my 4 little monsters... but for the most part, I wear the same size clothes as I did back then.
I didn't have a bunch of guys lined up at my door then, and I was always self conscious that boys always befriended me to get close to my friends. There was always that one boy who had my heart, the one I met my first day of 6th grade at Sequoia Elementary... My heart still skips a beat when I see him. I dated off and on after high school. Never anything really serious. Every time there was someone who I thought was THE ONE something or someone came to bust that bubble.
When I met Mike he was not someone I would have immediately said he is THE ONE. I mean he was not my typical type. But he was nice, he was fun, he was handsome. And he showed interest in ME!
I do not write this to bag on Mike. We now know that most of the things I am about to write about where Mike's excuses for his own desires not being met.
Mike and I met when we were 24, started dating when we were 25, married by 27 and began our family at 28. We split when we were 36. SO that being said, for about 10 years I was always lead to believe I was not good enough. There was always a reason why he didn't want to hold my hand or snuggle with me, or be intimate as often as I tried. "If you would just lose weight, it would be better" "I am just not that attracted to you" Keep in mind when Mike proposed to me I weighed about 25 pounds more than I did when he walked out the door. All the years of rejection that was drilled in my head was because I was too fat, or not attractive. I couldn't understand why I was good enough when he proposed but not good enough after we got married. But the reality IS I just wasn't the right sex for HIM.
Coming out of the mindset of you are not good enough, if only I wore a certain size THEN I will be attractive... THEN a man will want me..... THEN I will be worthy of affection love and desire. This has been a continual process for me.
Would I like to loose weight ... SURE.... Have I tried... YUP.... Do I stick with it ... Not apparently! But here is what I do know. I AM good enough, just the way I am. And there are men, handsome, successful, fun, who think I am great. I am a pretty good woman. I am a catch! LOL If I can find someone to accept me and my boys and make a long term go at it.... awesome... if not I am OK just being me and having fun.
And speaking of having fun.... It has come to my attention that someone I know feels that my standards are too high, that I only want a good looking buffed man... and that is just keeping my standards too high. So here is what I have to say to that... fuck off!!!
Yes i do have a "type", and my DFM friends tease me "oh yeah... buffed and tattoos thats your type" There is a typical type of man that I am attracted to. Does that mean that is the only type of guy I will date... no, it just may not be an immediate attraction.
But here is what I know. I recently met a gorgeous, tall, smart, successful, 28 year old that thinks I am the shit! He normally dates older women... awesome... he prefers "not skinny" women MORE AWESOME!! Please hear me when I say this guy is pretty dang hot, as my one of my friends likes to refer to him as "superman/Clark Kent" We had a blast together. I am hoping it will continue but hell who knows.
There is this other guy that I know who consistently tells me how gorgeous I am. I always question him, his motives and what is he thinking saying that. I tell him it is filters on my pictures, or angles or photoshop. And then he will look me in the eye and say when I say you are beautiful I am looking at you not thinking about your pictures. And he makes me believe it. It has been the most liberating "relationship" for me. I feel beautiful, no matter what size I am. And coming from 10+ years of thinking I wasn't good enough, it is a great point to be at in my life.
The last 3 years I have learned that I am good enough, and there are men out there who find me attractive. There is more to me than where I shop or the size of my jeans. There is my sparkly eyes, big smile, awesome long hair, cute little nose and the big boobs help too! :) No matter what life throws at me, I know my marriage didn't fail because I am not good enough.... my marriage failed because I was missing an essential body part... LOL Have a great night!
I didn't have a bunch of guys lined up at my door then, and I was always self conscious that boys always befriended me to get close to my friends. There was always that one boy who had my heart, the one I met my first day of 6th grade at Sequoia Elementary... My heart still skips a beat when I see him. I dated off and on after high school. Never anything really serious. Every time there was someone who I thought was THE ONE something or someone came to bust that bubble.
When I met Mike he was not someone I would have immediately said he is THE ONE. I mean he was not my typical type. But he was nice, he was fun, he was handsome. And he showed interest in ME!
I do not write this to bag on Mike. We now know that most of the things I am about to write about where Mike's excuses for his own desires not being met.
Mike and I met when we were 24, started dating when we were 25, married by 27 and began our family at 28. We split when we were 36. SO that being said, for about 10 years I was always lead to believe I was not good enough. There was always a reason why he didn't want to hold my hand or snuggle with me, or be intimate as often as I tried. "If you would just lose weight, it would be better" "I am just not that attracted to you" Keep in mind when Mike proposed to me I weighed about 25 pounds more than I did when he walked out the door. All the years of rejection that was drilled in my head was because I was too fat, or not attractive. I couldn't understand why I was good enough when he proposed but not good enough after we got married. But the reality IS I just wasn't the right sex for HIM.
Coming out of the mindset of you are not good enough, if only I wore a certain size THEN I will be attractive... THEN a man will want me..... THEN I will be worthy of affection love and desire. This has been a continual process for me.
Would I like to loose weight ... SURE.... Have I tried... YUP.... Do I stick with it ... Not apparently! But here is what I do know. I AM good enough, just the way I am. And there are men, handsome, successful, fun, who think I am great. I am a pretty good woman. I am a catch! LOL If I can find someone to accept me and my boys and make a long term go at it.... awesome... if not I am OK just being me and having fun.
And speaking of having fun.... It has come to my attention that someone I know feels that my standards are too high, that I only want a good looking buffed man... and that is just keeping my standards too high. So here is what I have to say to that... fuck off!!!
Yes i do have a "type", and my DFM friends tease me "oh yeah... buffed and tattoos thats your type" There is a typical type of man that I am attracted to. Does that mean that is the only type of guy I will date... no, it just may not be an immediate attraction.
But here is what I know. I recently met a gorgeous, tall, smart, successful, 28 year old that thinks I am the shit! He normally dates older women... awesome... he prefers "not skinny" women MORE AWESOME!! Please hear me when I say this guy is pretty dang hot, as my one of my friends likes to refer to him as "superman/Clark Kent" We had a blast together. I am hoping it will continue but hell who knows.
There is this other guy that I know who consistently tells me how gorgeous I am. I always question him, his motives and what is he thinking saying that. I tell him it is filters on my pictures, or angles or photoshop. And then he will look me in the eye and say when I say you are beautiful I am looking at you not thinking about your pictures. And he makes me believe it. It has been the most liberating "relationship" for me. I feel beautiful, no matter what size I am. And coming from 10+ years of thinking I wasn't good enough, it is a great point to be at in my life.
The last 3 years I have learned that I am good enough, and there are men out there who find me attractive. There is more to me than where I shop or the size of my jeans. There is my sparkly eyes, big smile, awesome long hair, cute little nose and the big boobs help too! :) No matter what life throws at me, I know my marriage didn't fail because I am not good enough.... my marriage failed because I was missing an essential body part... LOL Have a great night!
Monday, September 29, 2014
I am happy for you....
Today alone, I have seen 3 anniversary posts, 2 engagement posts, and 5 my hubby is so awesome posts on social media. PLEASE do not get me wrong. I AM truly beyond happy for anyone that finds love and is able to have someone in their life that loves them. It honestly gives me hope that one day I will find that.
These are the posts that piss me off. "My husband never buys me flowers anymore." "My boyfriend just watches football all day" "UGH... what does it take for him to take out the damn garbage"
Here is the deal ladies. (and men) APPRECIATE what you have. Does your husband/boyfriend/partner/whatever tell you they love you? Do they hold your hand and hug you? Are they there to hold you at night? Spend more time complimenting and appreciating and caring for your loved one instead of bashing and insulting them ... on social media... in person... to your family etc.
Time is precious. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Is taking the garbage out yourself instead of complaining about it THAT BAD? Why don't you watch football with them and do something he enjoys. When is the last time you bought something for them that they enjoy? Think of life WITHOUT that person, and how bad that would be. Life with them is amazing, cherish it.
These are the posts that piss me off. "My husband never buys me flowers anymore." "My boyfriend just watches football all day" "UGH... what does it take for him to take out the damn garbage"
Here is the deal ladies. (and men) APPRECIATE what you have. Does your husband/boyfriend/partner/whatever tell you they love you? Do they hold your hand and hug you? Are they there to hold you at night? Spend more time complimenting and appreciating and caring for your loved one instead of bashing and insulting them ... on social media... in person... to your family etc.
Time is precious. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Is taking the garbage out yourself instead of complaining about it THAT BAD? Why don't you watch football with them and do something he enjoys. When is the last time you bought something for them that they enjoy? Think of life WITHOUT that person, and how bad that would be. Life with them is amazing, cherish it.
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