Who I want my boys to be....

For the last two weeks I have been trying to convince Caleb to stay 10 for one more year! LOL   My bubs turns 11 tomorrow and I see how much he is maturing and growing up and I don't want it to stop, but I would sure has hell like it to slow down a little bit!  


At 11 years old Caleb has been through quite a bit and has still managed to be a well adjusted young man.  He is so intelligent, and artistic and fun to be around.   I love that he is still a kid!  He doesn't try and act older than he is.  

Last night we went out to a restaurant that has video games etc.  There were tons of people, lots of kids etc.  The kids really just ran around and played video games the entire time.  When we were driving home I asked if he had fun.   He said yes but some kids were getting on his nerves.  I asked why....  his reply "this kid kept cussing.... like BAD words.... "   Then went on to say how horrible it was and he was right around his age and he couldn't' believe this kid was talking like that.   

I appreciate the fact that my son knows that language is not acceptable for a child.  And that fact that he is disturbed by it makes me happy.  


I have found myself really trying to make an impact on my boys.  Showing them how they should treat women is a big thing of what I want to express to them.    One day we walked down to 7-Eleven and got a treat.... as we were walking out, there was a young girl who was coming in, and Caleb was a gentleman and held the door, but then the other boys preceded to walk out....  When we were all outside I stopped them and said hey guys... I want to explain something to you.  If you EVER come to a door and there is a girl, woman, young lady etc. trying to come in, always hold the door open and let them come in/out first.  They reply but why....  I just replied because that is what men should do.  And their response was OK!    

We were listening to the radio the other day and that dumb song came on that talks about wanting to get married but the parents aid no, but I'm going to marry her anyway.  The kids are signing along (I love it when they sing their hearts out in the car!)  and I turned it down and told them plain and simple..... if you ever ask a girls parents to marry their daughter and they say no, don't you ever thing about marrying her anyway!!!   If they say no there is a reason.... find out what the reason is!!   
 
 
I am going to share a story of what I DO NOT want my kids to be...   I have been doing this online dating thing for a bit now.  It is really horrible.  I am picky I know I am, and I was really trying to go outside my typical comfort zone when it came to the type of person I was willing to try and get to know.   


So I had met this person online named Tony....  not my typical type (other than the fact that he had tattoos)  He was a little older than I thought I would be interested.  But after talking for a couple weeks, we decided to meet up in person and see how it would go from there.    The simple version is we met in a public face, he talked to me for all of 20 seconds and said he wanted to move his car closer to mine, and he would be right back.  And the trusting moron I am I sat there and waited for 20 minutes for him to come back. I left completely devastated and embarrassed.  Did I look that bad?  Ugh it was really a bad shot to my self esteem.  And I sat back and replayed some of the conversations we had had, and one comment he made is that he had a 16 year old daughter and how he wants to be the kind of man that he would like is daughter to date.  uhhhhh may want to rethink that one mister.   I didn't give him the satisfaction of a call or text asking why....  And took some friends advice and chalked it up to he was probably an asshole anyway and he did me a favor. 

I try and influence the boys that women need to be respected and loved.  Teaching them to be happy, smart, confident, affectionate, not afraid of feelings etc are all things that men "real" men should be able to express.   I don't want my boys to grow up and be closed off, "macho" men who act like a-holes to women....   I want my boys to be the kind of boys that a girls parent would be delighted to have my son date their daughter. 

Each of my boys have special qualities that make them unique, but raising them to have value as a young man is very important to me.  Physical strength is important as a man, but being strong in mind and spirit is just as important.  Teaching them that life isn't always fair, but to always strive for more.  To know that their mom would do anything fort them. 

New home... new start....

I am happy to say that I am completely moved in and settled into my new home!  I feel so AMAZING!  I was worried that without the help of my dad and stop mom that I would be stressed out, and not know how to handle the house, kids, work etc....  But the opposite has happened.  I feel more organized, energized, satisfied and content.  

The big move was last weekend, and that first night as I sat on the couch looking at the piles and piles of boxes I thought OH MY GOSH.... I am never going to get all of this done.   But Sunday morning N came over with the boys (Jonah was home sick with Mike) and he helped me put all the kids beds together and move some things around.  (Thanks N! I appreciate it!... can't wait for you to come back and finish hanging stuff up!)   And all week I just unpacked and unpacked and unpacked, organized, organized, organized...... along with you know that pesky thing called work!  I was able to in less than a week be all ready and done in the new house.  There are still some things that need to be hung up on the walls.  But for the most part, EVERY box has been unpacked and everything has been put in its proper place!! WOO HOO!!!  

And on TOP of the amazing news of my new house I received my final divorce papers in the mail.  It is finally OFFICIAL....   I honestly thought I would have an emotional moment when I saw those papers.  But it didn't happen that way....  I was excited and happy about it.  It all happened in the most perfect timing.   I am forever grateful to have known, loved, and remain best friends with Mike.... the fact that I have the four most amazing boys makes every tear, sob, mental breakdown worth it.  (Don't get me wrong, we had a lot of amazing, happy, fun times too)  But now as an official single woman, I feel damned good!  


I have a new outlook on myself.  I know there are things that I need to improve on in my own self.  I am working on that.  I am starting by presenting myself the best that I can possibly can.  I am trying to make sure that my outer me truly represents how the inner me feels.   It helps that it is spring and love wearing dresses and heels this time of year!!   Trying to always wear a smile, and get away from that constant frown that tends to appear in my eyebrows!   I can't be happy if I don't make it happen.   I do not need anyone to make me happy and satisfied with myself and my life.  I need me....    and as a result of me being happy, my boys will see the changes in my attitude and life and will reap the benefits of it!   

Happy Friday everyone.... live life to the fullest!!  Enjoy your weekend! 

Sometimes a song....

Sometimes the words of a song can open up your eyes in many ways.  A couple of weeks ago I purchased Prism by Katy Perry....   The song BY THE GRACE OF GOD is AMAZING!

Here are the lyrics: 

Was 27 surviving my return to Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron melting
Running on empty, so out of gas

Thought I wasn't enough and I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it any more

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
There is no more morning oh I
Can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth will set you free

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out

That way no
There ain't no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love (in the name of love)
That way
There ain't no
I'm not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

Songwriters
PERRY, KATY / WELLS, GREG

Published by
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

Anyone who is close to me at this point in my life knows that being close to God isn't where I am.  I have my own bitterness and issues that I need to work on.  

But the words of this song are so very true to me and my situation.  This is exactly how I feel/felt.  I felt that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't worthy of love, that somehow this was all my fault.  And now I am at the point where I look in the mirror and know the opposite is true.   I am learning to accept compliments from people in particular men. I know that everything that we go through in life is a lesson and develops yet another part of our minds, hearts and soul into the person we are meant to be. 

As I continue to grow and learn and develop more into the woman I was meant to be I see more and more the areas that need improvement and the parts that are pretty damn good!!  

 

If you read my blog regularly you might remember that last year I posted how I wanted a tattoo that says "I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it."   Well I finally did get that tattoo!  It says " I was given this life and I am Strong enough to live it"  I have those words placed around an anchor.  

 

The anchor to me signifies strength.  The tide is strong and the anchor holds the ship in place even as the waves and tide try and take it away.   That is what this means to me.    This is my every day reminder of who I am, who I am meant to be.  I was able to pick myself up out of the lowest of lows to learn once again who I am and what I can become!   

That is all for today!  I hope everyone has had a great day today! 

Torn between "Good Woman" and "Crazy Stressed Mom"

Today my son Caleb received recognition for making Honor Roll at his school  This is his 2nd Quarter in a row, and I am beyond proud of him.  He is so incredibly smart (like me... no really!) but in the same breath I must say he gets his laziness from me too!  I could have done so well in school but I did just enough to get by so I could play sports, not enough to excel!  I tell him that all the time..... HE WILL BE BETTER THAN I EVER WAS!!!!     

So today we were all at his school (Myself, Mike and N) for Caleb's Honor Roll presentation.  I was in the kitchen area helping another mom prepare the snacks that were going to be provided to the kids.  We were talking back and forth about our kids... how many... ages etc.   So after when the kids were getting their snacks Mike came and handed me my purse and let me know he spilled my coffee (PUNK YOU OWE ME ONE!!) and we were joking back and forth, N came over and said a couple things I can't remember what.  So as N was walking away, the girl recognized him and asked is that .....  I went to school with his sister.  I said oh yeah it is....   So then she asks does he have a kid here?  OH HERE WE GO....  I said no, that is my kids dads boyfriend.  Her poor eyes got so huge... she just said OH....  then a second later said "The way you said that and the way you talk to them speaks highly of the type of person you are."   I said thank you and that was the end of the conversation.  

I got to thinking.  It isn't that I haven't heard that before.  I hear it a lot from people I know, but haven't really experienced it with someone who didn't know me personally.  And I know that I have handled my life with a grace that not many people could have.  I get that, and I am very proud of myself that I have.  Anyone who is very close to me knows that I had my share of crying, begging, screaming and depression over the entire thing.... but if you are not close family or in my close circle of friends... you probably didn't see very much of that.  (With the exception of my IG/Facebook outlash in July! Give me a break it was the only one!!)  But when I hear people tell me I am a good person..... I automatically go back to last week when the kids had been with me for 10 days straight and I blurted out "I am ready for you guys to go to your dads for the weekend" and I go to the fact that my Christmas tree is still up in my living room.  And I have a pile of laundry that needs to be done.  I haven't vacuumed the floor in over two weeks....  That I have put off making a dentist appointment for the boys for months.  I focus on all of the things that I should be doing better!    I am guessing that is what most people do??? I don't know.   A good person.... but a crazy stressed mom!

But here is a recent realization for me.  I am a BAD ASS MOM!!!  If the worse thing someone can say about me as a mom is that my house is messy.... I am OK with that!   My kids ALWAYS have clean clothes to wear.  They were nice, matched, ironed clothes daily to school.  If they want hot lunch they have money for that... if they want cold lunch I make it.  If they need a volunteer in their class I am there.... If they need a team mom I am usually the idiot that volunteers.  I make every sporting event and even most practices.   They are clean, well fed, well behaved, happy, spoiled, amazing kids!  Do I make a full meal every night?  NOPE....  sometimes they eat eggs and toast for dinner.... sometimes we GASP!!!! grab fast food!!!   My heart, life, devotion, everything revolves around these boys.  I work to support them, I do my photography to allow me to be able to spoil them a bit.  I cherish every second I have with them.  Even if they are making me crazy.  Which they do quite often.    If my kids can look back and remember that I was always there for them, encouraging them, doing whatever I could to make their life successful and know that I love them with all of my being, that I put them before I ever put myself.  Then I am a good woman.... 

The last 6 months = Road to Happiness

Yeah it has been a while since I have written.  And it made me feel good that someone actually mentioned it to me, that they missed reading them!  (Thank you Kellie)

I took a few minutes and I read through all of the postings I have done so far. . I have come SO far in the last two years it is amazing.   I am no longer that confused, scared, trying to keep a smile on my face woman.  I am strong, I am confident, I am for lack of a better word.... Happy.  

It took a lot of struggles and mistakes to get to this point.   I was searching and searching for love, I kept thinking that is the only thing that will make me complete and whole again.  But that is SO not the case.  I am whole as me... just me....  Being happy with myself, as I am emotionally in the best place I have been in years!  

My boys are growing so fast.  Caleb at 10 1/2 is almost as tall as me.  Jonah has grown over an inch in the last month! (and outgrown all of his school clothes!) Zechariah has even hit a growth spurt.   Levi my baby will be 3 next week!!  Caleb has found his love of sports in football and cannot wait for next season.   We are getting ready to get Jonah signed up for baseball.  His sport of choice.   Zechariah and Levi are my gamers.  LOL  

My schedule with the kids and Mike has changed quite a bit, and it was an adjustment at first, but it is working now.  Mentally it is a better thing for me.  I had to make a decision for once that put my own emotions first, not the kids or Mike.  So he does not come to my house every day anymore.  Although he is more than welcome in my home, he no longer has a key and no longer comes to get the boys every day.  

My relationship with Mike and N is great.  N is now listed in my phone as "BDLP" (Baby Daddy Life Partner).... we think it is funny!   We text and talk quite a bit and are able to just be friends.  We all are on the same page when it comes to the boys.  We all co-parent and speak to each other regarding all situations with the kids. "I had to sit Caleb down and tell him....." Or "Jonah and Zech were fighting etc..."  "What do you think we should do about ...."   We socialize together at holidays and special occasions.  We went to Caleb's football games and sat together in the bleachers.  As always the easiest way to describe it is we are a strange family.... but a family none the less! 

As far as me and my love life... it is non-existent.  Not because a lack of effort or interest.  I just that I am not settling for anything less than everything I want in someone.   Until I find it, I am going to have a good time and enjoy my life.   I have reconnected with old friends, learned to stay away from some people who call themselves "friends", and focus on me and doing what I need to do to continue my quest in happiness.  

2014 is gearing up to be a great year.  Our divorce will be final sometime in the next 30-60 days.  Which could bring up a bit of emotion, but I won't let that word define me.   I am looking forward to this year, my attitude this year is be truly happy.  I will continue on that road!  

Happy 2014 to everyone reading!  May this year be better than the previous! 

 

I was given this life....

For the last month or so I have been wanting a tattoo put on my forearm that simply says "I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it!" 

And I thought I was strong, very strong... until I heard the words from Levi's doctor "We need to rule out leukemia".  Those are the words I heard yesterday 7/15/13 at approximately 4:30pm.... they were the most heart breaking words I have ever heard in my life.   

Back step....   About 3 months ago Mike mentioned to me about a lump in Levi's chest, you could feel it but not see it.  It didn't seem to bother him, so we just kind of forgot about it.  Then a N's sister, a nurse of 20 years, felt it... and was concerned, said he should have it checked out soon.  So the next day we were off to the doctor.  At first I didn't think too much of it, of course no one ever wants to think the worst when it comes to the well being of their child.  But the look in the doctors face when he felt his chest...  and when he hesitated my heart sank.  When he said the words my eyes welled up with tears... this cannot be happening.  I sent Mike a text message and I was freaking out.  HOW could this be happening.  My mind was racing, my tears would not stop.  Then it was off to the xray lab....  they made me hold his arms up while they put this tube around him and it seemed like forever.  He was crying and begging to hold me (which is what he says when he wants me to pick him up).   THEN it was off to the blood lab, and anyone knows that this isn't pleasant for adults, much less a 2 1/2 year old.  They tried his left arm first, and they blew a vein... so then of course he was screaming like crazy and we had to hold him down while they tried the right arm.  He just kept crying help me mommy, help me..... it hurts it hurts....   My heart felt like it was going to explode.  I just kept telling him "your ok baby... you are so strong.... mommy is here.... I love you so much"   

I don't know who was more traumatized me or him.  By the time we got to the car, he was drained and ready to go to sleep, I was still crying and not sure what to do.  It was waiting time.  Wait for how long?  Who knew!   

I feel bad because I tried to keep it together when I got home with the boys.... I tried to be interested in how their weekend was, what they did for the day, but all I wanted to do was hold Levi.  I only let the people closest to me know exactly what was going on, it wasn't something I wanted blasted all over social media, or my phone blowing up with texts and phone calls.   I just wanted time to process what could be my worst nightmare.  

After about 9pm I gave up hope of hearing from the doctor, once I got the kids to bed I tried to sleep.  I spent a lot of time trying to clear my head, think of something other than this crazy day.  Didn't work too well, but did manage to fall asleep probably close to 1am.   

When my alarm went off at 5:20, I just kept hitting snooze, I wasn't planning on going to work until I heard from the doctor.  How can I go act like nothing is happening.   So I waited.....  Mike came and took the 3 boys to their daily stops... and I waited.   Once 8:30am came I was already anxious so I called.  Of course the only option was to send a message to my doctor.  They did tell me that they knew they were still waiting on the blood work.  So my options were to continue to wait or go about my day.  So I took Levi to his papa's house and I went off to work.  

Into my office, door shut... tying not to speak to anyone so I would breakdown into an emotional mess.  Then as people came in to ask questions I get the look of "wow you look like crap" but the sympathetic question of "are you ok?"   And of course my answer is no, and the tears flow!   Every time my phone rang I thought it was the doctor... and was angry when it wasn't.  I'm sorry google I don't want to talk to you about advertising for my business right this second!   

Finally the number for the doctor came up.... "hello.... Mrs. Craven how are you?.... I'm ok.....  You are not worried are you?  ..... of course I am worried....  There is no need to be Mrs. Craven, lets go over what we see...."  

My baby is OK!!!!!   His blood levels came back fine.  He had one level that was a bit elevated, and they said that could be from a recent virus... If he did have one, it was barely noticeable.  X-ray came back clear, nothing abnormal.  So what is the bump in his chest... we don't know at this time.  We will continue to watch it and see if there is any changes.  Next step would be maybe an ultrasound.... but for now my baby is healthy.  38" Tall, 30.4 pounds, talkative, handsome, smart, funny, crazy boy!!  

I don't know if my heart and/or mind will ever recover from the last 24 hours, but as long as my babies are healthy and happy I am ok.  Someone made a comment to me today.  "When all of this comes out ok, your going to realize that all the crazy stuff you stress about is nothing"  And that is sooooo true.   My life is complete as long as my boys are in it.  

What a couple of months....

What a couple of months it has been!  WOW!   The last 2 months have been filled with some ups and downs and sad to say probably more downs than ups. 


I spent May 4th trying to be as positive as I could.  That is what used to be my wedding anniversary, and it would have been 11 years this year.  I had a bit of a little girl melt down when I dropped the boys off that day to their dad.  I got them out of the car and N came out and I started crying and slamming doors.  It just hit me like a ton of bricks.  But that night I took my older boys to a Star Wars themed baseball night and I felt better by the end of the day.  

About a week and a half in to May my grandfather passed away.  Although I can't say I was extremely close with him, he was my grandpa and I loved him very much and it was a sad moment for me.   Little did I know that my sad moment would turn into a sad month.  3 days after we buried my grandfather my dad passed away.  I can honestly say I felt it was coming.  He has battled with his health for a LONG time.  But I never would have guessed that it would happen this fast.   One day he was joking and being as crazy as ever, and the next he was being moved to a private room, then the next to ICU.   My family had to make some very heart breaking decisions and although I know that he is no longer in pain, and he is in a better place.  It doesn't make the hurt go away.  

Having to tell my boys that their grandpa had passed away was the MOST horrible thing I have ever had to do in my life.  This wasn't MY grandparent or a distant relative that they didn't really know.  This is someone that they saw at LEAST once a week, someone they had a great relationship with.   This was someone who they knew and loved deeply and it hurt.  Levi and Zechariah are too young to understand.  Zech still asks for him or mentions him when we go to the house.  Jonah was shocked and sad, but didn't know how to process the information.  But my Bubby..... wow.... having to hold him as he sobbed and asked why and just couldn't believe it.  He wanted to know why he didn't get to see him before he died.   They felt the sting and pain of this and there was nothing I could do except for hold them and tell them I love them.  I spent a lot of that week helping with funeral arrangements, doing the things that my mom just couldn't do as she was trying to comprehend and grieve in her own way.   When the funeral arrived it was surreal.  As we stood outside the church waiting for the funeral procession, we started to hear the rumble of the bikes.  It was Memorial Day Weekend and our town always puts up flags down the main streets in our town.  My dad had the best procession down a American Flag lined street lead by dozens of motorcycles.   The rumbling of the bikes made me cry, knowing that this was it.  My boys held it together until they saw the casket, and once Jonah realized what it was, he came unglued.  We had private time with just the family and he crawled up on my moms lap and just cried.  He finally figured out how to process the information.  It was a beautiful service and so many people came, from his childhood, army days, church, family.  It was amazing the love and support we all felt.   He had a beautiful military burial, and as they folded the flag and presented it to my mom I felt my heart drop and just wanted it to be over.  I think we all felt a bit numb and exhausted and just wanted to sleep... and I did for about 14 hours that night! 

Now I am dealing with the guilt.  Guilt that I have "another" dad and my sisters do not.   I HATE the word step-dad.... although legally that is what he was.  He IS the man who raised me, who taught me to play softball, who went to all my soccer games, track meets etc.    I am NOT an emotional person, I did not spend days/weeks crying in my room because he passed away.  I did my share of crying do not get me wrong, and maybe it is because I have kids and a job that I HAVE to be at in order to support my kids.  But I had to pick myself up and move on.  I was sad, AM sad that he is gone.  It is almost unreal at times.  But I feel guilty that I have my biological dad here and my sisters who are young and do not have kids yet will not have the joy that I did seeing the proud look in my dads eyes when my boys would run to him yelling "bampa".   I feel guilty that I was able to have my dad at my wedding and she will not have that experience.    I know that I am never considered a "step" sister or "half" sister when it comes to my brother and sisters.   But this is the time in my life that I felt it the most.  Not because of anything really said or did, but because I feel horrible that although I feel sad and the loss of losing him, that I have a dad still.    Does this make sense. 

This has been a trying couple of months for me, and guess what I survived.  Shed a few tears, had a few bad moments.  But I have grown and hope that things will look up soon!